Blizzard horror

Snowed in! Nothing better to do than watch horror movies , but none were on during the day so I had to make due with 't3h hawt sexx0r' ( as the kids say ) with Bunny. Unfortunately for you , dear reader there is no video of that , fortunately there are two horror movies in my Tivo's to do list!

The first being a delightful zombie romp from the land down under , that's right undead Vegemite sandwiches ! It's like 'Attack of the killer tomatoes' but with funny accents and potted meat. Something deep within my soul draws me to a Aussie zombie flick , titled oh so creatively 'Undead' . Required reading before the movie can be found here.

After that is a movie damn near ga-run-teed to piss me off, BloodRayne. Come on, this HAS to suck vampire cock , it was 'inspired' by a video game and we damn well know nothing good can come of that! Will it be worse than Manos: The Hands of Fate? Well known as THE worst movie of all time and conversely one of the BEST MST3K episodes ever. Why would I subject myself to this dreck dear reader? Well, obviously I'm a movie masochist , or maybe I like to get hammered and watch bad movies only to post incoherent ramblings on 't3h intablag' . Whatever , fuck you.

Check back this weekend boys and girls, or don't.

-Walt

Last House on the Left

Jeff – drool is okay, its other viscous fluids I worry about. It’s a long [ahem] review [story, epic tome, whatever] so it’ll feel like you were there.

Last House on the Left

First: The last horror movie I saw with Jeff was, I Spit On Your Grave [repeat in deep booming voice ad infinitum], so I thought it apt that I watch another 70s classic for my first review, Wes Craven’s the Last House on the Left. Second – when I was a kid, I was scared stupid to watch this movie (the house I grew up in was, you guessed it, the Last House on the Left… for similar reasons, I have never seen any of the Friday the 13^th movies – Crystal Lake was just down the road). Anyway, I must ask myself, just what the hell was I afraid of?

Wes gives us the story of Mari, Phyllis, Krug, Weasel, Sadie, Junior & Mari’s parents whom we shall call “Daddy Tard Chops” (or DTC[1] for short) and Mama Bites A Lot (MBA). I’m not sure if you could call this foreboding, but practically the first scene DTC comments on the fact that Mari is isn’t wearing bra and she starts to feel herself up. Right there, you know the night isn’t going to end well. I’m not going to pretend to understand the symbolism of cutting between pictures of a kitten on the bed (who looked remarkably like my cat), the babbling brook, the ducks in the pond and then back to the scene, but clearly that’s how Wes rolls.

General Observations / Requisite Horror Clichés

• On the way out of town – Krug & Sadie engage in some spectacularly unimpressive vehicular sex.
• Our trusty law enforcement officers[2] make the Keystone Cops looks like MacArthur Fellowship winners.
• Call me crazy, but would you really want a girl you’re planning on raping, covered in & smelling of pee?
• DTC later in the film channels his inner Leatherface and decides to do a little chain sawing (honestly, I kept waiting for him to swing the chainsaw around and start hollering).
• Krug earns his father of the year badge and convinces Junior to shoot himself in the head.
• MBA lures Weasel outside for some fun, drops to her knees and earns her nickname. (ouch.)
  

Sentences I can’t believe Wes Craven wrote:

1. Sadie – “I ain’t putting out no more till we get a couple more chicks.”
2. Krug – “Now piss your pants.” [that one’s for you my Canasian friend.]
3. Ada (she had maybe a total of 30 words in the entire movie) – “That’s 11 chicken coops, and I ain’t leavin my chickens on the side of the road to give you a ride[3].”
   

HoPoTo Requisites

There wasn’t a whole of breast flashes, however, you do get a little girl on girl action (yeah, she cried through the whole thing, but still).

I promise they’ll (the reviews) get better (you should have seen my first draft). Thanks for letting me play!

---

[1] Later in the film DTC lays out some rather magnificent traps, further revealing where John Hughes got his ideas for Home Alone.

[2] Our trust Deputy is played by Martin Kove, whom you will recognize as Cobra Kai Sensei John Kreese (no mercy).

[3] Okay, so they aren’t really that funny, but having them uttered right after our crack law enforcement officers fell off the top of the truck cab, required that it be included.

Introduction and Update

Whassup, horror fans!?!

It's been a while since my last post (sorry about that, man) and this one comes with no photos or reviews (sorry about that, too. um. man...) Rest assured that I have plenty of posts just waiting to happen, along with plenty of photos remaining from our big excursion out to Colorado. Many of these photos require editing, and our resident photo editing wizard *cough* ...Karl... *cough* is currently indisposed. We are still indebted to him for his wonderful work during the film festival! And he owes me a punch in the nuts for (unsuccessfully) bugging the living shit out of him to fly out with us. Sorry, man. And thanks.

But here's some GOOD NEWS: I have the honor of welcoming aboard the latest member of the Dudes of Horror review staff: The Jesus, Dudess of Horror.

The Jesus is a long-time fan of film and will no doubt have many interesting things to say about the films she reviews. Many, many, many films have been watched by members of the review team in the The Jesus' very welcoming abode. As you read her reviews, hopefully it'll feel like you're right there with us in the living room. Feel free to sleep over, too... but don't drool on the furniture, man. It ties the room together.

Keep checking back with us for reviews! Two great ones this week from Walter and Maude. Thanks, dudes.

I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)

Well, apparently it wasn't learn to swim. Of course not. I mean, why ruin the grand climactic scene of your so-so slasher flick by having the heroine escape Ivar the fisherman by just, um, jumping off the boat and swimming for the dock, which was all of ten feet away? You're trying to tell me that they could hit this guy with their car and push him into the water and he survives, yet she can't leave the boat for fear of instant death or something?

Also, I read "I know What You Did Last Summer" by Lois Duncan when I was in grade school. I thought it was tres sinister, read a few other of her books as well - "Stranger With My Face" and "Summer of Fear" (Which I believe was turned into a made-for-TV movie with Linda Blair). The movie is a complete bastardization of the book, that is if the bastard in question was a Hollywood executive with a brother who writes shitty screen treatments.

I gotta keep handing it to my girlfriend Sarah, though. She's a great modern day Scream Queen. And so succulent in her little denim miniskirts. I specifically say "succulent" because hey, I forgot that she used to be heavier. Don't get me wrong, she was hot then and she's hot now. But before actresses seriously got into the Lollipop Look (big head, stick body), she was kind of....um...fleshy? It's a shame, because she had some great boobs, and she dieted them away.

Out of curiosity, I Amazoned the book (mainly to check the copyright, since grade school was soooooooo long ago) and now I have a question. Are teachers now assigning Amazon reviews for book report projects? Witness the following kids' reviews:

What I thought of iIknow what you did last summer is it totally rocked and it was the best book I have ever read! I totally recommend this book for you!!! This book made me want to read more! I wish I had time to read everyone of her books.If you ever get the chance to read or whatch the movie do so! It leaves you wanting to know whats up next there is never a dull moment in the book, she explains everything so wonderful!That was my review!

Well, alright then!!!!

julie got up wonmarring and it wasover the summer and she had 1 letter by her bowl on he tabe it was a small white letter and in dark black letters it said her name juile. she opened it up and on the endside in said I Now what You Did last summer.See the summer befour that her and 3 othe friend of hers had been driving home and it was dark they didnt see the man walking in the middle of the road and they hit hem. They didnt know what to do so they tried to cover it up and they all said that they wouldnt tel anyone ever no matter what. Well the secret was out some how because someone know and was wanting reving. They looked for clues and tried to come up with an idea on who could know. All they found was that it was getting wors and in the end the only ones left alive was Julie and Berry you will have to read the store and find out what happens next but it is a really good book and you should read it.

Man, that just hurts my head. What's worse it that this kid probably texted in the review on his/her Sidekick.

this was a very good book it tells about and groop of friends going for a ride after a forth of july party on there way back from the beach they hit some guy loaded him in trunk of the car brought him to the docks and rolled him in the water then they made a packed and swore not to tell anyone what happen a year later one of them got a message saying that i know what you did last summer i recommend this book to every one is a good book all a round

Okay, in the original story, the "groop" hits a ten year old boy on a bicycle. So, good try there, Cliff Notes Kid. Next time you try to cheap out on your homework by watching a movie, make a "packed" to find out if the story is the same.

The book is not very good because the book no have pictures and no have killing,the movie is very good because have a pictures and in the movie have more pictures.

OMG! I had no idea that President Bush wrote Amazon reviews!

filmageddon

The crapfest just keeps on coming! After the mostly dissapointing movies during the horrorfest I decided to rent The Omen (2006) hoping for a good remake* and I feel like beating someone to death. This movie was so bad , it was dull, tedious and uninspired. Liev Schreiber was as usual horrible, the man ruined the Manchurian Candidate for chrissakes , why he's not bussing tables by now is beyond me. Julia Stiles puts on a passable performance as the mother of the spawn of Satan played by Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick who is only kinda creepy, the kid from Godsend would have been better, that creepy little bastard. I'm sick of bad remakes riding on their names , if I write a shit remake of Scanners can I be a writer director too? Please? I can churn out garbage scripts and use 'safe' camera tricks with the best of the worst hacks allowed to make movies today. You know where to find me Hollywood.

* What , it could happen.

More Starbucks Terrorizing

From 8 Films to Di...

Buy the Breakfast Blend!!!
These ladies know how to welcome the Horror Dudes! We had a blast taking fun photos like this one. Thanks, girls!!!

8 Films to Die For - Ranking

1) Unrest - Good solid movie (character development, plot, kill scenes).
2) Grave Dancers - Donny disagrees with most of the other Dudes of Horror. Although this was no masterpiece, was still an entertaining movie.
3) The Hamiltons - A much different and original perspective than other horror films.
4) Abandoned - Probably would have ranked higher, but Donny was asleep during the plot building portion of the movie.
5) Reincarnation - The reincarnated murderer and victims, just didn't seem all that interesting.
6) Wicked Little Things - Overall bland horror flick. Donny agrees with Jeff that this should have been an episode on Tales from the Crypt. (Donny wants his money back)
7) Dark Ride - Watch the movie up until the first decapitation scene and then go see a movie worth watching for a full 90 minutes. (Donny wants his money back)
8) Penny Dreadful - If you read this and still saw the movie Donny would be disappointed that you were not spared your time and money. (Donny wants his money back and wants to be payed for lost time)

Wicked Little Things

This film should have been a 30 minute "Tales From the Crypt" episode. It was essentially a lukewarm rehash of the "stumbling into a local legend that's real" category, which was much better done in films like "Pumpkinhead" that could afford the budget for creature effects and fill up the feature length with a little more substance than "teen girl goes on another date while mom finds more photos in basement."

It contained the girl falling down while being chased cliche, the flashlights only contain 5-year old batteries cliche, and the "local gruff character knows you're in danger but doesn't give you the scoop until much later" tired storytelling device.

It WAS cool to see zombie children hacking up annoying supporting characters, though. But I've done better horror make-up on Halloween with $2.00 clown kits.

And, no. You certainly know by now that there was nothing in this film that warranted incusion in a "too extreme for the Jackass staff" festival billing. And no nudity, for the pervs who want to know.

Watch it if someone else pays for the rental.

The Hamiltons

Here we have an interesting example of how the hype packaged with this film festival can leave a bad taste in the mouth of the filmgoer when the film is actually GOOD rather than abyssmal.

"The Hamiltons" is a solid flick- one of four films from this weekend that I'd gladly watch again. It has a new twist on an old story in the form of a different perspective- we get a sympathetic view of classic horror baddies filmed lovingly in naturally bright surroundings rather than post-production color filters simulating night.

We're treated to a palette of interesting characters acted out by competent performers rather than a stock template of cliched horror archetypes (see Penny Dreadful... wait, scratch that. DO NOT see Penny Dreadful!)

And we get to see one naked boob for a split second.

So if the film is so good, how can the hype be bad? Quite simply because despite being a worthy expenditure of your time, this film is not "too extreme" in any single category. Gore? Not too extreme. The "Kill Bill" movies are far worse. Sex? Not too extreme. Heavier topics are touched upon regularly on prime-time network television and E! Hollywood Entertainment certainly shows more skin than "The Hamiltons", nipple or no nipple. Language? Nope. Check out "The Big Lebowski" or any one of your movie-going friends.

Is this bad in and of itself? Certainly not. But when your sights are set high for extreme content by a heavy dose of bullshit from the After Dark marketing department, any film- good or bad- is going to leave you feeling a bit empty if the most racy scene involves slightly more than kissing and Karo Syrup.

See this film, dear readers. But don't believe the hype.

-Jeff, Dude of Horror

Delayed in Horrorville

From 8 Films to Di...

First of all: FUCK YOU CHEAPTICKETS.COM.

Donny and I arrived at the Denver International Airport for our return flight only to find out that cheakfuckfits.com mis-booked our return flight for a day later due to a website error. Here's why:

When you use the site to search for tickets, you enter in the date you wish to return. This is supposed to be... you guessed it... THE. DATE. YOU. WISH. TO. RETURN. Cheaptickets.com doesn't quite get this. They think you mean: the date you wish to begin to return, regardless of when you might actually arrive at your destination.

So when we chose to arrive back in Baltimore, MD on 11/20 on a redeye flight, cheaptickets misunderstood us to want to START to return to Baltimore, MD on 11/20 and actually arrive on 11/21. NO, NO, NO YOU FUCKS: NO!

So why, you may ask, did we not notice the departure and arrival dates of the return flight when we chose it? Because cheaptickets.com only lists ONE date on the website for your return flight: the date you chose to RETURN to the city you selected. So when we selected 11/20 to return back to Baltimore, the website showed us an itinerary for 11/20 indicating that we'd return at 5:25 in the morning, noting that it was an overnight flight departing at 11:55 pm. The obvious conclusion- SINCE WE CHOSE TO RETURN TO BALTIMORE ON NOVEMBER TWENTIETH- was that the departing flight would leave at 11:55 pm on 11/19 IN ORDER TO GET US BACK TO BALTIMORE ON THE DATE WE SELECTED.

That's not what "Andi" in customer service believes in logical.

"Sir, how can you expect to arrive in Baltimore at 5:25 am on 11/2o if your flight does not leave until 11:55 pm?"

BECAUSE YOUR WEBSITE FUCKING SAYS I CAN, BITCH!!! BECAUSE TWENTY MINUS ONE IS NINE-FUCKING-TEEN!!!

Or how about this gem from Andi:

"The website does not have a mind of its own."

Clearly, neither Andi nor Mark nor A.J. nor any other gene pool dropout at cheaptickets.com have a mind of their own. They read off scripts to their callers from their little customer service cheatsheets and justify the actions of every slasher movie villian who has ever been depicted on screen. Andi: fuck you. You truly deserve a slow, gory death.

After three hours of customer service hell, we received NO CUSTOMER SERVICE from cheaptickets.com. They didn't even offer us a fucking coupon, man.

-Jeff, Thoroughly Pissed Off Dude of Horror

Last Post Before the Plane

It's been one hell of a great day (thanks, Bunny!) and one hell of a great weekend (thanks Walter AND Bunny.) We've taken in the last two films of the festival, and neither were completely horrible; in fact, "The Hamiltons" was quite good. Lots of reviews to come tomorrow.

For now... here are some more friends we've met along the way:

This is Brandon. Brandon rocks out during the 8 Films to Die For festival in his "Evil Dead: The Musical" t-shirt. We met before the 6:00 of "Wicked Little Things" simply because of said shirt. ROCK ON!

From 8 Films to Di...

The Horror Dudes craved coffee and stopped by Starbucks. Here we found Giro, Horror Barista:

From 8 Films to Di...

And here she is with Andrew, who understandably wants a taste:

From 8 Films to Di...

Alright... we're off to the airport, fueled with caffeine and high on Bunny Boobs. See ya soon.

-Jeff, Dude of Horror

Bunny's Breathtaking Boobs

Dear, dear readers,

There really are no words that I write to do justice to the following photos. Suffice it to say that these photographs have succeeded in taking the collective breath away from all of the horror dudes here in Colorado Springs... and we'll be lucky if we can divert any of our mental faculties away to the films we're off to see in just a few minutes.

For your extreme viewing pleasure and in response to the pathetic lack of breasts in the horror film festival last night, here are beautiful Bunny Horror's Boobs. You're welcome. And our lives will never be the same.

Thank you, Bunny. And Walter: YOU LUCKY FUCKING BASTARD... we envy you.

From 8 Films to Di...

From 8 Films to Di...

-Jeff, Breathless Dude of Horror

Fuck you After Dark

Ugh, what a night. Six more hours of movies down, four to go. Last night we had the privilege , yeah thats it , privilege of viewing The Abandoned , Penny Dreadful and The Gravedancers. Aren't these films supposed to be scary? Wasn't this billed as too extreme for general audiences , too horrifying for the average Joe?



Lets get this out of the way, The Abandoned was a good movie, I enjoyed it and I'd watch it again. Which brings us to...




PENNY FUCKING DREADFUL! What the fuck? I'll admit I got some laffs out of this movie, like when runny nose crying girl ( henceforth known as RNCG ) figures out she can GO OUT the way the nutbag killer dude GOT IN the fucking car only to have the trunk slammed shut when she's inches from freedom. It's even accompanied by taunting laughter and banging on the car, like you did to your sister as a kid on a lazy sunday afternoon. RNCG apparently has car issues, some sort of trauma when she was young, strapped in a car seat watching her mother bleed out has caused her to have panic attacks at the thought of getting in a car.

Sadly the car and Mimi Rogers rotting corpse provide more entertainment than RNCG and the deranged bum trying to kill her. An especially funny scene involves a special kind of chemistry between corpse and car , whilst RNCG is passed out from self medication, the corpse decides to take a header into the cars horn and they make beautiful choppy horn music together with Mimis head gently bouncing on the horn, gravity and rigor competing for control. A good ol fashioned pencil in the eye slows down the deranged bum enough for RNCG to escape to the main road , find help , witness the bum get hit by said help only to presumably murder her benevolent rescuer. Fuck you spoiler whiners.

There is also the most inappropriate use of the 'scary one note' sound ever, applied at the ominous point when the digital clock rolls from 6:58 to 6:59. No fucking idea.

Thanks to this movie, I have panic attacks thinking about finishing the Horror Fest, I'm grateful for that you assholes. Everyone involved with this movie deserves a cockpunch, even those sans cock.



Gravedancers, god dammit this movie could have been good, unlike Penny Dreadful it did have potential. Drunkenly dance on graves ( in the undesirables section of the graveyard no less) , piss of ghosts and get haunted. A solid horror movie plot stillborn and it's corpse raped by a god damn production company suit hell bent on putting in schlock to reach out to its 'target audience' , a task at which they succeeded with gusto. The first scene of the movie had me thinking this would be the best so far, a girl obviously menaced by some pissy spirit is tossed around her house like a rag doll only to be finished by a gruesome hanging replete with eyes bugging out and uncontrolled limb twitching.

We continue with well designed scenes of unseen evils menacing our victims , especially poor Kria who had the unfortunate luck of dancing on a S&M bent rapist judges grave. He knocks her around in ways that would make Ike Turner uncomfortable ( See Tina, I coulda hit you like THAT! DAMN! ) and presumably rapes her but this is where the movie takes its first false step. Not really going all the way, tiptoeing around the issue, and above all no boob in any scene.

It's all down hill from here kids, The Studio Suit has taken over. Enter the fangoria inspired ghost faces , over the top characters and shit plot twits. I wont spoil it for you, but the 'end scene' looks like something on a cartoon network spoof, I call him Magic Skull. He likes Cheerwine.

Up on the chopping today is The Hamiltons and Wicked Little Things. If these two suck I'm mailing a bag of shit to Lions Gate and After Dark.

Man of few words review on day2 movies

Abandoned
Woman researching mother she never met. Donny fell asleep during the plot building of this movie. Creepy from what Donny did see of the movie.



Penny Dreadful
Whiny bitch stuck in a car between two trees with deranged bum laughing at her. Should have been 60 minutes shorter. Worst movie seen in a long time.



Grave Dancers
Ghosts killing those who dance on their graves. Setup for a boob shot and disappointed crowd. Overall entertaining but could have been better.

Can you really sum an entire 8 film festival after having only seen two movies?

Well, I do have certain conclusions. First, that the whole "too extreme for general viewing thing" was just marketing hype that I'm embarrassed to have fallen for. But that's how it is when you're a genre fan - just like a girl who keeps dating losers - you can never lose the flame of hope. Even though you're fairly sure that the guy who was great on paper is going to, on the second or third date, produce a lint collection, or a penchant for snorting like a pig, or confess to a teeny tiny restraining order from his ex-girlfriend...you just close your eyes, make a wish, and go for it. Same for the horror fan. And when the movie sucks? You move on, and when you see the preview for that NEW movie, you swear it'll be good. It'll be scary.

Second, after a little peeping online into the IMDB entries for some of the movies, I can see that I was not the only one of this opinion. It was agreed that, although some people complained that the HF organization never got it together enough to offer a weekend pass, that it was better to cherry pick and go to one or two movies rather than blow 80 bucks on all eight. And I agree, and am glad I got to see some of the better movies of the bunch. I don't agree that The Gravedancers was a good movie - it could have been good, if they had a better dialogue writer and, presumably, more budget to produce more ghost rather than save it for one or two scenes. But, okay, yeah, their hearts were in the right place.

Lastly, I just wanted to mention that I hear that these movies were all made in 2005 and that some of them are already available on DVD. Whether that is actually a legal release or a shitty bootleg, that I don't know. But that's kind of a crappy feeling, isn't it? Not so much that I saw movies that are out on DVD. I don't care about that. I do care if the advertising was misleading, however.

That's all I have to say about that...and that's my final review for the weekend. I do want to keep this up and review movies out of our collections for each other, guys. What else is that wall of DVDs good for if not for discussion of La Bete!

Saturday Night in Tinseltown

Greetings from Zombieland! Your battered and beaten host is struggling to make this post here at 4:12am. It's been a long night full of good movies, bad movies, nice people, expensive drinks, cheap breakfasts, and a failed quest to bring you, our loyal Dudes of Horror blog reader, something that the films "Penny Dreadful" and "Gravedancers" didn't deliver: boobs.

Oh, sure. One quick flash in "Penny Dreadful"... but c'mon. That really didn't count. And NOTHING in "Gravedancers" which is simply inexcusable seeing that one of the main baddies liked to kidnap and torture women as a hobby.



WTF? Aren't these films hyped as too "blah blah blah" for general release? You could have shown "Gravedancers" virtually unedited on Nickelodeon.



As for "Penny Dreadful"... well, unless you count being mind-numbingly boring as controversial, it didn't contain the slightest amount of controversial material. I thought I was watching the Lifetime channel... and then I thought I was watching an hour of security camera footage of a girl locked in her car with a runny nose. Counting my nose hairs would have been far more entertaining (and horrifying.) Shame on you Mimi Rogers and Michael Berryman for thinking that a 10-page script would somehow spawn a feature length film worth watching, let alone worth paying to watch. It was a real stinker. But so was "Lost in Space", so shame on me I guess.



"The Abandoned" was very well done, however, and even if it didn't have some rather odd female nudity in it at the end I'd still give it a high rating.

No, seriously. I would. No, I really mean that. I do!

But the quest continues. We here at the Dudes of Horror will do our best to make up for the filmmaker's inadequecies whenever possible.

As mentioned, one of the things we were able to do was meet some great people. We'll keep taking photos of you as long as you let us! Stand up and be counted as the horror fan that you are! The Dudes of Horror salute you!

Here's everyone before the 8:00 showing of "Gravedancers":

From 8 Films to Di...

This is Lexi and Josh. Josh is doing some interesting stuff with his business... more on that later!

From 8 Films to Di...

And here's Courtney! She's been seeing many of the films this weekend and was happy to let us take this creepily lit photo of her in the theater:

From 8 Films to Di...

Time for me to pass out... but when I awake I'll be sure to spill the beans on the three movies screened today and post all of the bare breast photos that you lady fans out there have been flooding my inbox with.

-Jeff, Dude of Horror

The Gravedancers

So this is what would have happened if Evil Dead had sucked.

The Fangoria reference? It did not save the movie. It only highlighted the sad fact that the only people who laughed, or screamed, or were at all impressed, were not horror movie fans who would have GOTTEN that little bon mot. I mostly looked around me in amazement for two hours. That is, when I was not snickering at the totally rad title sequence, wondering what flea market the set artists had picked up all the lovely artwork at, or who Kira's nipple chafer was, or which 8th grade loser's diary they lifted all the dialogue from, or trying to place the actor who played Vincent (who turned out to be "also ran" actor Tcheky Karyo, star of The Messenger, Addicted to Love, and voila! The Red Shoe Diaries).

That's it. That's my entire review. I'm already pissed off enough that I wasted the last two hours watching that Hot Topic inspired piece of shit, when I could have been lounging on the couch watching Lifetime movies.

Fucking amateurs.

Pre-Partying and Ready To GO!

Looking for the Horror Dudes at today's showings? Look for this shirt!

From 8 Films to Di...

Walter's Wonderul Wife's BOOB (DEFINITELY look for this!)

From 8 Films to Di...

Fleshy

Welcome boys and girls to Unkie Walts horror review! First up on the list is Dark Ride , a magical romp through a world of porn quality acting, writing and cinematography. In fact, the only thing keeping this movie from being a porn is a 'cleverly' concocted camera angle during the movies one redeeming scene. Let me paint you a picture , a picture of a lucky moron and a horney hippie chick all alone in a secluded part of an amusment park horror ride doing what two people do naturally while commiting felony B&E - fellatio. Thats right kids , our girl friday was enjoying the fleshy taste of wang all the while being watched by some creepy dude in a cupie doll mask, who proceedes to sneak up and decapitate Oral Annie! From the looks of the guys face, this may become a new snuff film craze , apparently suction increases whilst the head (see what I did there?) is being forcefully removed, but I digress. Bottom line, I insist this movie was originally HorrorPorn , recut without the porn to make up for production costs.

Reincarnation, East Coast Stizz

I have to say, I'm liking this recent return of horror film cooldom. There's been the Masters of Horror on cable this last year, several new movies in 2006 (The Grudge II, Saw Whatever, and Slither Something), and now Horror Fest. It's nice that the Regal Conglomerate deigned to dedicate one of their theaters for an entire weekend to the unwashed rejects of cinema; horror fans.

Some people might have grumbled about the teeny tiny theater that HF is showing in at People's Plaza. Not me. It felt more nostalgic than anything, reminding me of a time when going to a movie was a fun, friendly occasion and not the vast, ear blasting experience it is today. Call me old, but I liked that I could hear all the patrons giggling or groaning around me. I liked that I didn't have to navigate 50 knees just to get to my seat. I liked the sound of the projector (!!!!) flickering all through the film. And, dear Jeff, I LOVED that there was JUST TWO previews before the main feature. Yes, that's right, "The Twenty," 20 minutes of forced commercial viewing, was not played. I felt like someone had just paroled me from 20 minutes of being buggered while watching infomercials. That alone made "Reincarnation" worth the price of admission.

I have to start by admitting that while I am a fan of the Grudge movies, I preferred the remakes to the original. That's right, J-horror fanboys, I went there. Takashi Shimizu was just too subtle for me after seeing the remake. Plus, no Sarah Michelle Gellar. Duh!

That said, I thoroughly enjoyed Reincarnation. Despite the inclusion of several standard j-horror elements (silly, simpering acting from the female leads, and haven't we all seen enough jerky, long-haired ghosties by now?), and a few jarring elements that played with my suspension of belief (c'mon, he's using a Sony VAIO? Does any arty hipster NOT use a Mac, even if they're Japanese? Discuss!) or mood (that orange roof - so, the ghost hotel was a Howard Johnson's?), I was genuinely creeped out. Shimizu tweaked the ghost aspect enough to keep it creepy, crowding in many faces instead of one, and using a FREAKING WALL-EYED DOLL for most of the creepiest scenes. Gah! And both the ending and the heroine's true identity were fresh twists that I am ashamed to say kept me guessing. I'm usually the annoying jerk that has to predict plot points all through the movie until you want to stuff Jujubees up my nose.

While Reincarnation was enjoyable and scary, I could have used a little more whacked-out Lynchian psychodrama ( as in, A Tale of Two Sisters). After leaving the theater, I promptly forgot about the movie. And that's just sad. The title alone begs for a righteous mind-fuck, which you just don't get. So, Maude's final review? 3.5 stars out of 5. Maybe they'll get Buffy for the American remake, you think? That would be so very.

Three Movies Down

From HorrorDudes P...

After 21 hours on 2 hours sleep, we have taken in the first three offerings from the 8 Films to Die For horror film fest... and the Horror Dudes have plenty to report.

Turnout was good, as most seats in the Tinseltown Cinemark were full of happy horror fans. A poll I made of the audience indicated that about two dozen audience members would be seeing all 8 films during the weekend. And then I promptly shut the hell up, being somewhat less than possessive of my normal mental faculties. *ahem*



First up for us at 6:00 was "Dark Ride", which was essentially a live action version of a Scooby Doo episode, only with a decaptitation/fellatio scene. Yes. I just wrote "decapitation fellatio scene" and unfortunately it was really the only highlight of the film (I'm including the directly preceeding gratuitous boob shot, of course.)

Remeber the ugly redhead kid you wanted to punch in the face with a hot clothes iron? The kid from those wonderful films "The Sandlot" and "The Big Green"? He stars. Enough said there, I think. Walter has a review rolling around in his beer-addled brain that hopefully he'll shake free and share later today.



Next up was the much anticipated "Reincarnation" from Takashi Shmizu. A fellow audient noted that he had seen the earlier showing and that he didn't really dig it... complaining mostly that it was subtitled. The Horror Dudes found it quite creepy and entertaining, despite the relatively slow pace compared to the rest of the offerings. Maude saw this film on the East coast and sent us a text confirming our assessment: the doll was creepy. Worth seeing, especially if you're a fan of Asian Horror.



One theater cappucino later, we were treated to "Unrest" which was really quite nice and refreshing. Taking a page from the film "Anatomy", there was a lot to do with human corpses and some genuinely fun, gross out scenes that received audible "whoas" from the audience at several points. The only regrettable point about the film, in my estimation, is that there WASN'T a gratuitous boob shot. All dudes agreed: Corri English was raging hot.

Some pictures before I pass out watching "The Big Lebowski"...

Wandering around our hotel... a little too far.

From HorrorDudes P...

More fun at Bingo World, MD.

From HorrorDudes P...

From HorrorDudes P...

The drive down to Colorado Springs, escorted by Walter.

From HorrorDudes P...

Toasting with Colorado Brews before the big events... Casa Walter

From HorrorDudes P...

Our New Home

From HorrorDudes P...

Harvest Time

From horror

Here Jeff participates in the local annual apple harvest. Don't be timid Jeff, get a big one!

Walter

From horror

Here, Walter lays in supplies for the dark times that lay ahead. Who's number one!!!!

The Horror Has Landed

Greetings from hazy, drop-dead gorgeous Colorado! Donny and I have succeeded in meeting in Baltimore, visiting Bingo World, waking up in our hotel in time (2.5 hrs sleep) after the fourth alarm went off, posing as Australian tourists, being compulsive nerds on the flight to Denver, dining with a beautiful Serbian Creative Writer Poetess from Michigan, and getting down to the Springs after meeting up with Walter. Walter is now feeding us local Colorado beers ($80 worth) and other... things... and we are rushing out to the first movie, Dark Ride.... NOW!!!!

STAY TUNED, FOLKS! Much news and many pictures are in the future here at Dudes of Horror.

WE'RE IN COLORADO!!! BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!!! DEAD TIL DAWN! DEAD TIL DAWN!

-JEFF, TOTALLY AMPED DUDE OF HORROR

So. I let you out of my sight for the weekend, and THIS is what happens? Seriously. I think you've got some decompression to do before you get wild an' crazy enough to make it to mini-golf, don't you? C'mon! Where is the Jeff of yore? Where is Shorts Man? It used to be that it was not a party until you, my beloved, had tropped trou.

It's all your fault, Karl. If you had just found a pair and gone along with the East Coast dudes, I know that the pictures that Jeff would be sending me and begging me to post would be boobtastic. Donny, I love you, but let my man do a Hitch on you, okay? My grandpa had more finesse with the ladies. Of course, he paid them well. But that's not the point.

Naw, I'm just funning with all of youse. I'm jealous that you went and eclipsed my girlie weekend with this glorious weekend of horror.

I plan on posting via in-law tonight...possibly tomorrow night...then from home on Sunday. I thought that I might get the ball rolling before the Fest starts, by posting my take on a few movies. But I've got jitters at the starting gate. The first post has to start off strong. But with horror as the subject matter, there's so much to choose from. Should I go for the gore? A nice bloody gusher? Even that has its subcategories. American - Chopper Mall? Italian - House by the Cemetery (Bob!)? How about start it off with a nice "Thriller" (aka: They Call Her One-Eye)?

Are any of you packing this weekend, by the way? As in, do you have the ability to post, and will you? Or am I it for the weekend?

Love and Unicorns,
Maude 

Paintin' the town Brown!

Jeff, since you left I have turned the place into a horrific bachelorette pad. Tampons everywhere! Makeup! Buffy episodes scattered across the coffee table! The caps, they are OFF...with a vengeance. I'm planning on parking the Little Lebowski at your mom's tonight while I take myself off to the movies for a little "Reincarnation" fun.

However, I have a screaming toddler wandering around in circles at the moment. The days when I can park my cuteness in front of the computer for hours on end are over, unfortunately. I know you want me to post up a few, but those screams...they reverberate up my mommy legs, short circuit my brain, and demand that I come get him, NOW. This instant!

What is up with this Picasa you have been pressuring me to download? Are you working for them now, like some deranged techie Amway? Is it going to suck up all the nudie pictures of me and stick them into a pretty photo album for the world to see? Actually, maybe I wouldn't mind so much. The world needs to see more of my boobs.

A Day at the Fair, O the Horror!

From horror

Jeff is pictured here in his Sunday best giving a lift to Mini-Hoff. M-H likes to sing songs for the little children in exchange for candy and fetish porn. Afro Ken is an ardent admirer, But the restraining order keeps him at a safe distance.

REAL LIFE HORROR

Gentle Readers,

I feel obliged to post a photo here that illustrates something that could possibly be more frightening than anything in store for us in Colorado...

The photo comes from the men's room at my current place of employment. Do you SEE that, man? Do you know what that IS??? Not only is it TWO FUCKING INCHES LONG... but the donor apparently has so many of these that he sheds them whenever he undoes his zipper.

Let's see if I can directly link it below:

From HorrorDudes P...

Thanks, Gargantuan Shedding Pube man- I'll be having nightmares about this on the plane.

-Jeff, Already Grossed Out Dude of Horror

The Dudes of Horror on Picasa

DIG IT!

Donny's travels begin

Tickets are purchased and bags are packed.

Work is still bugging Donny to finish up things before Donny heads out... Fuck work

Off to Baltimore Donny goes. Let's just hope that Donny's little Mini doesn't get blown away by a tornado as Donny drives through the thunderstorms heading up the East coast.

IMDB Entries for the 8 Films

Hey there, horror lovers! In case you're interested in viewing how great or awful some of these films are, the IMDB entries are below. Although these are being screened in the US on major theater screens for the first time this weekend, a few were debuted at film festivals.

Unrest
Penny Dreadful
The Gravedancers
The Hamiltons
Reincarnation
Dark Ride
The Abandoned
Wicked Little Things

-Jeff, Dude of Horror

SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY!

Nothing more needs to be said on the subject.

Donny is On

More to come later

THE FIRST POST IS MINE!

Welcome to Dudes of Horror. This is Jeff. Jeff the Dude. The Dude of HORROR. I am one of many Horror Dudes who will be posting here to relate sordid, bloody tales about the adventures of the Horror Dudes and their quest to take part in all things fringe, fun, and horror-ific.

You're just in time, dear reader, to take part in our journey to experience the after dark horror movie film fest titled "8 Films to Die For" which is playing in "select theaters" this weekend.

8 Films To Die For Homepage

The Horror Dudes will be out in full force for this event in Colorado Springs, CO. No less than four of us will be descending upon the unsuspecting Tinseltown theater to watch EVERY DAMN ONE of these 8 films. And we'll even have a horror babe along with us- which is very important because it makes us all feel a lot less like the big hairly lonely losers that we really all are. So SCREW YOU, pimply goth boy dweebs! We have titties in tow!

Anyhow... if you want FIRST HAND information about this film fest from four hairy horror dudes who will be there... THIS is the place to read and post.

-Jeff, Dude of Horror