Angst (2003)

This Teutonic tawdry tale tells of a timid temptress whose trysts terminate on thanatological and tragic terms thanks to her talking twat.

Ok, ok, in non-alliterative English. A woman haunted by a childhood trauma discovers that her ladyparts will eat anyone that “visits.” At first it starts with would be rapists, then with Johns when she starts turning tricks to support her nether region habits. Sucks ‘em right of their clothes. And when it gets hungry for more “food”, it starts talking like the plant in Little Shop of Horrors. Too bad they didn’t have a bigger budget, they could had used a puppet or some funky CGI.

The parallel story to this is of a milquetoast who is pining over this woman for the duration of her vaginal trials and tribulations. When she spurns him for fear of consuming this ‘nice guy’, he looks for love elsewhere, temporarily finding it in one half of some conjoined twins. He eventually gets fed up with the other half and tries to sever ties using an electric carving knife. How does the surviving twin thank him? Dumps him and rats him out to the po-po. Women. He then takes up with a stripper who cozens him into robbing a bank or something and they head for the hills, seeing how he is already a wanted man for killing a twin. They eventually cross paths with his original obsession who has reluctantly just gotten married but hasn’t consummated it with her new husband for fear of consuming him. The police and the living twin catch up with the lot and chaos ensues. It violently sorts itself out and the lead woman with the penetration angst finally remembers the entirety of the childhood trauma that seems to have caused her voracious vagina and realized that it wasn’t traumatic after all and her condition is cured, so she walks off into the sunset with Mr. Milquetoast.

This is a German directed/produced movie, shot on digital video by necessity rather than by choice, and the few special effects they had were decent given the obviously very low budget. The acting is not stellar, but the storyline is definitely something original. I am fairly certain that all main female cast members get naked at some point in the movie, so it also earns a Golden Treehorn. I can’t tell if this movie is intentionally hilarious or not, either way:3 Georges.