I found a movie worse than Malevolence

and it’s called Zombie Honeymoon. Words cannot describe how bad this movie is – and if you’re very lucky you to can catch it on Showtime.

Denise & Danny are honeymooning on the Jersey Shore when Danny gets accosted by someone resembling the Swamp Thing coming out of the ocean and bleeding all in his mouf, which as you know turns you into zombie. At least it normally does. This clearly was a slow moving zombie-virus – flesh-wise anyway, his blood lust kicks in pretty quickly. After coming back from the dead (the brain trust at the hospital tried to shock him back to life), they decide they want to have a romantical dinner with the main course being cream of mushroom soup (WTF). But before she can make said soup, she comes back from the store and finds Danny munching on the fat guy next door. Love knowing no bounds, Denise decides she’s going to stand by her man no matter what.

Correct me if I’m wrong, in zombie cannon, the zombie a) turns pretty swiftly, b) wants brains (I’m a purist, what can I say) and c) usually isn’t sentient. Not only is Danny walking around making pleasant conversation (when he’s not attacking and eating people), he’s in the loo talking to the porcelain gods after each tasty treat.

Danny, who is slowly falling apart and getting hungrier by the moment, which makes Denise decide she’s going to put on her red wedding dress (symbolism much) and make her man some soup. Before that happens, their best friend shows up with the cops, WHO SHOOT DANNY IN THE HEAD, perturbed by that he attacks & eats everyone around. Hours after his feast he’s getting already to bring his bride over to the zombie-side when he makes the realization he’s hurt her too much, apologizes and pukes blood all over the wall instead of in her mouf.

Couple all of this with some awful acting, a lead actress who has an unidentifiable accent, the set which was clearly the director’s house, and you my friends have yourself my very first 1 George review.