Fuck you After Dark

Ugh, what a night. Six more hours of movies down, four to go. Last night we had the privilege , yeah thats it , privilege of viewing The Abandoned , Penny Dreadful and The Gravedancers. Aren't these films supposed to be scary? Wasn't this billed as too extreme for general audiences , too horrifying for the average Joe?



Lets get this out of the way, The Abandoned was a good movie, I enjoyed it and I'd watch it again. Which brings us to...




PENNY FUCKING DREADFUL! What the fuck? I'll admit I got some laffs out of this movie, like when runny nose crying girl ( henceforth known as RNCG ) figures out she can GO OUT the way the nutbag killer dude GOT IN the fucking car only to have the trunk slammed shut when she's inches from freedom. It's even accompanied by taunting laughter and banging on the car, like you did to your sister as a kid on a lazy sunday afternoon. RNCG apparently has car issues, some sort of trauma when she was young, strapped in a car seat watching her mother bleed out has caused her to have panic attacks at the thought of getting in a car.

Sadly the car and Mimi Rogers rotting corpse provide more entertainment than RNCG and the deranged bum trying to kill her. An especially funny scene involves a special kind of chemistry between corpse and car , whilst RNCG is passed out from self medication, the corpse decides to take a header into the cars horn and they make beautiful choppy horn music together with Mimis head gently bouncing on the horn, gravity and rigor competing for control. A good ol fashioned pencil in the eye slows down the deranged bum enough for RNCG to escape to the main road , find help , witness the bum get hit by said help only to presumably murder her benevolent rescuer. Fuck you spoiler whiners.

There is also the most inappropriate use of the 'scary one note' sound ever, applied at the ominous point when the digital clock rolls from 6:58 to 6:59. No fucking idea.

Thanks to this movie, I have panic attacks thinking about finishing the Horror Fest, I'm grateful for that you assholes. Everyone involved with this movie deserves a cockpunch, even those sans cock.



Gravedancers, god dammit this movie could have been good, unlike Penny Dreadful it did have potential. Drunkenly dance on graves ( in the undesirables section of the graveyard no less) , piss of ghosts and get haunted. A solid horror movie plot stillborn and it's corpse raped by a god damn production company suit hell bent on putting in schlock to reach out to its 'target audience' , a task at which they succeeded with gusto. The first scene of the movie had me thinking this would be the best so far, a girl obviously menaced by some pissy spirit is tossed around her house like a rag doll only to be finished by a gruesome hanging replete with eyes bugging out and uncontrolled limb twitching.

We continue with well designed scenes of unseen evils menacing our victims , especially poor Kria who had the unfortunate luck of dancing on a S&M bent rapist judges grave. He knocks her around in ways that would make Ike Turner uncomfortable ( See Tina, I coulda hit you like THAT! DAMN! ) and presumably rapes her but this is where the movie takes its first false step. Not really going all the way, tiptoeing around the issue, and above all no boob in any scene.

It's all down hill from here kids, The Studio Suit has taken over. Enter the fangoria inspired ghost faces , over the top characters and shit plot twits. I wont spoil it for you, but the 'end scene' looks like something on a cartoon network spoof, I call him Magic Skull. He likes Cheerwine.

Up on the chopping today is The Hamiltons and Wicked Little Things. If these two suck I'm mailing a bag of shit to Lions Gate and After Dark.