Ils (Them) (2006)

I wanted to like this one. I really did. But through the consistently horrible decisions of the 2 protagonists, I found myself glad that Darwinism took its course.

Picture a French couple living in a pretty neat old mansion in the countryside of Romania. She is a French teacher in a nearby school and he is, well who knows, he is just overly sensitive about his cooking (and no, that is not a euphemism). Well, their little Eden is intruded upon in the form of noises in the night that need investigating, turning the power to the house on and off, theft of their car, invasion of their home, and ultimately their deaths (assumedly, since they are dragged off camera).

Throughout the ordeal they are “chased”, (although the protagonists rarely see the antagonists) through their home and eventually their plot of land. During this time they make very few good choices, so often that I was actively yelling at the screen at how stupid they were. Now I will forgive bad choices that happen at crucial moments that keep the story going, and in horror movies they can be explained by the throes of panic, but for two thirds of the movie to be stockpiled with them smacks of laziness.

The couple flees their house into the wilds of their property, being chased by the creepy sounds of their attackers and find what I initially called ‘the forest’s basement’. It seemed to be a sewer system or system of tunnels out in the middle of their property, which has at least one grated vent next to a fairly well traveled road, so they weren’t completely isolated. Seems to me they could have hoofed it over land and made it to this road and been able to get a lift. No no, let’s go down into a likely dead end!

SPOILER

So when the reveal comes that their attackers are all grade school kids, it just aggravated me further. I was pissed at the kids, moreso at their parents, and at the school system. The final shot is of a school bus picking up the killer kids in the morning as they run to it, fresh from offing the couple. Their teachers don’t call home to see why Johnny is caked in blood and mud? Bah.

To sum up: Stupid protagonists who make it impossible to identify with, virtually no gore, no nudity, no laughs, nothing really new, and antagonists that are aggravating for all the wrong reasons.

The only reason this gets a rating above a zero is because it is short, coming in at a slender 77 minutes.

Voila un epece de putain merde! (pardon my poor French)

1 George