Last House on the Left

Jeff – drool is okay, its other viscous fluids I worry about. It’s a long [ahem] review [story, epic tome, whatever] so it’ll feel like you were there.

Last House on the Left

First: The last horror movie I saw with Jeff was, I Spit On Your Grave [repeat in deep booming voice ad infinitum], so I thought it apt that I watch another 70s classic for my first review, Wes Craven’s the Last House on the Left. Second – when I was a kid, I was scared stupid to watch this movie (the house I grew up in was, you guessed it, the Last House on the Left… for similar reasons, I have never seen any of the Friday the 13^th movies – Crystal Lake was just down the road). Anyway, I must ask myself, just what the hell was I afraid of?

Wes gives us the story of Mari, Phyllis, Krug, Weasel, Sadie, Junior & Mari’s parents whom we shall call “Daddy Tard Chops” (or DTC[1] for short) and Mama Bites A Lot (MBA). I’m not sure if you could call this foreboding, but practically the first scene DTC comments on the fact that Mari is isn’t wearing bra and she starts to feel herself up. Right there, you know the night isn’t going to end well. I’m not going to pretend to understand the symbolism of cutting between pictures of a kitten on the bed (who looked remarkably like my cat), the babbling brook, the ducks in the pond and then back to the scene, but clearly that’s how Wes rolls.

General Observations / Requisite Horror Clichés

• On the way out of town – Krug & Sadie engage in some spectacularly unimpressive vehicular sex.
• Our trusty law enforcement officers[2] make the Keystone Cops looks like MacArthur Fellowship winners.
• Call me crazy, but would you really want a girl you’re planning on raping, covered in & smelling of pee?
• DTC later in the film channels his inner Leatherface and decides to do a little chain sawing (honestly, I kept waiting for him to swing the chainsaw around and start hollering).
• Krug earns his father of the year badge and convinces Junior to shoot himself in the head.
• MBA lures Weasel outside for some fun, drops to her knees and earns her nickname. (ouch.)
  

Sentences I can’t believe Wes Craven wrote:

1. Sadie – “I ain’t putting out no more till we get a couple more chicks.”
2. Krug – “Now piss your pants.” [that one’s for you my Canasian friend.]
3. Ada (she had maybe a total of 30 words in the entire movie) – “That’s 11 chicken coops, and I ain’t leavin my chickens on the side of the road to give you a ride[3].”
   

HoPoTo Requisites

There wasn’t a whole of breast flashes, however, you do get a little girl on girl action (yeah, she cried through the whole thing, but still).

I promise they’ll (the reviews) get better (you should have seen my first draft). Thanks for letting me play!

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[1] Later in the film DTC lays out some rather magnificent traps, further revealing where John Hughes got his ideas for Home Alone.

[2] Our trust Deputy is played by Martin Kove, whom you will recognize as Cobra Kai Sensei John Kreese (no mercy).

[3] Okay, so they aren’t really that funny, but having them uttered right after our crack law enforcement officers fell off the top of the truck cab, required that it be included.