Treevenge - aka - an environmentalist's wet dream and nightmare all wrapped up in a shiny bow!

At 16:01 minutes long, I'm not sure if this can count as a "movie," but I'm still going to tout its awesomeness.

You've got your ax & chainsaw wielding yokels and some scared little trees (and honestly, the tree hugger in me died a little inside thinking of all the poor trees that died). I persevered and once it hit the 10 minute mark my demented soul cried out in joy.

Merry Christmas Dudes. Treevenge may be viewed here:

http://twitchfilm.net/news/2009/09/beware-the-furious-foliage-its-jason-eiseners-treevenge.php

Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat (2002)

Hershel Gordon Lewis came out of directorial retirement after 30 years to make this sequel to his original opus. Was it worth the wait? Actually, I don’t know. I have the original in my Netflix queue, but this sequel was available for streaming so I watched this first. I had no problem keeping up.

Basically the story of the offspring of the original antagonist inherits a store that he rehabs and opens as a catering business. This inheritance came complete with a statue of the goddess Ishtar (no, not the Hoffman/Beatty crap pile) which compels him to slaughter the townsfolk and incorporate them into his dishes. The lion’s share of which are served to the guests at a wedding he caters at the end of the film. I know this sounds just like the plot to the Father of the Bride 2, but you are mistaken.

This movie did not have a huge budget, or any actors I have ever seen before or since. Not to say that this was bad. On the contrary, this had a plethora of elements a great HoPoTo movie should contain: excessive gore, an impressive body count, over the top and/or bad acting, gallows humor, bad puns, completely unnecessary (but not unwelcome) nudity, and stereotypes out the ying-yang (it’s a medical term).

Add to that a swinging rockabilly soundtrack provided by Southern Culture on the Skids and a perv-fect cameo with John Waters as a priest and you have a pretty good horror movie. Lewis didn’t aspire to any high art or try to make it into something it is not. He just did what he does (used to do) well: make a nasty, funny, campy, visceral horror movie. A great way to spend 90 minutes.

4 Georges

Gutterballs (2008)

Canada….the land of hockey, Maple syrup, poutine, snobby faux-French people, and…bowling-themed slasher movies! This verrrry independent horror pic from the great white north has very good high points, but just as many (if not more) low points.

The story centers around two rival bowling groups at the Excalibur bowling alley. In fact, aside from the proprietor of the lanes, there are no other people in the movie. So there are literally no other people in the movie for the story to center around. Zero other people bowl at this particular alley; I had no idea that bowling was so totally eclipsed by the popularity of hockey in Canada. This is either a sign of how low the budget was or a comment on how sparse the population is in America’s Hat ©.

Anyhoo, these rival ‘teams’ are bowling against each other in a league, I guess (a very small league). One group is 4 douchebags who act like stereotypical crotch-grabbing, braggadocio-infested frat heads and the other group is mostly women and a doughy transvestite (huh?). Well after some friction between the groups, the douchebags gang rape one of the women on the other team, unbeknownst to the rest of her group. The following night is their scheduled match, and the victim doesn’t say anything to her group. Well as luck would have it, the doors get locked and a killer disguised with a bowling ball bag over their head starts knocking off members of both teams, one by one (two-by-two in one case of mutually suffocation by 69 – a first as far as I know). The reveal at the end is way more complicated than necessary, but whatever.

The script was weak, the acting was hyperbolically terrible, and this was clearly a movie filmed over the course of several weeks at a bowling alley after it closed for the night, with NO extras. On the plus side were the pretty gory and well done deaths, and their keeping with the theme of ‘bowling’ in those forced expirations. There was even a part that made me cringe, where the transvestite gets, ahem, bifurcated. There was also ample nudity, although the movie does fall short of a Golden Treehorn.

The other standout detail of the movie which at first was annoying, then became hilarious was the absolute overpackedness of the script with the word ‘fuck’. It was like breathing if one were hyperventilating:
“Hey motherfucker, where’s my fucking beer?”
“I don’t fucking know, get it your fucking self!”
“Whose fucking turn is it to fucking roll?”
“Fuck if I know!”
I would love to see this movie dubbed for television.

So with all that added up, it was a pretty bad movie, but with good effects and skin, and the most egregious use of the word ‘Fuck’. As if the scripts of Deadwood and The Big Lebowski has a baby with Tourette’s. With some non-Euclidiean math, that equals 3 Georges.

Maude's View on The Vampire Lovers

I've never been much on the classic "Frankenstein Meets the Werewolf" type movies, and therefore, I resisted Hammer Films. But one night I agreed to watch The Vampire Lovers. It was a choice born of desperation. Either that, or something like The Screaming Skull. Imagine my pleased surprise when it turned out that The Vampire Lovers was a genuinely entertaining film.

As we watched the film, I remembered how much I hated Sundays when I was young. Everyone of a certain age who was enslaved to network television knows how shitty Sunday TV is for kids. Sundays were for televised sports (and Kung Fu). But...occasionally, I'd luck out and come across some gem like Sinbad the Sailor or Godzilla or...70s vampire movies! I loved the costumes, the "period" ladies with their back-combed hair, thick eyeliner, fake eyelashes, the thinly veiled sexual innuendo, the heavy handed atmosphere, and of course the vampires. To this day, vampires are my favorite monsters. Because of those movies. Which turned out to be Hammer Films!

It's funny how we take for granted certain screen cliches that are done today as a joke, but at some point in film history were meant in earnest. For example: in Vampire Lovers, the butler visits the local pub. Peasant types all around are carousing, swilling beer, pinching the barmaids. A musician is treating the guests to Oktoberfest style accordion music. During a conversation with the owner, the butler mentions the word "vampire" and suddenly all conversation halts with a
SCREECH of the accordion! And that's a valid source of enjoyment while watching this movie. It's the best kind of camp: the earnest B movie. Forget all the "tongue in cheek" movies today that are so sly and referential. This is the real stuff. Watch actors "ride" horses in front of a screen as their hair blows artfully in the "wind"...see fog machines gone wild...hear ladies compete for the Scream Queen title! It's all here in abundance.

From what I understand, the story for The Vampire Lovers (1970) was taken from Carmilla, a vampire story that predates Dracula. It's been remade many times. Ah yes - but how many of them had such great Breck Girl hair? Carmilla (Ingrid Pitt) is a sexy young woman left in the care of the Morton residence who develops a "friendship" with the younger, vivacious Emma (Madeline Smith). At least, I assume that we're supposed to interpret her psychotic bug-eyed giggles as signs of vivaciousness. Carmilla's intention to prey on Emma until her death is marred by her growing attachment to Emma. In the end, of course, the damsel in distress is saved by a team of do-good men who protect Emma with garlic and crosses while they search for Carmilla's grave and stake her. This is all pretty standard for a vampire flick. But what's not standard is the distinct lesbian bent to the story. Apparently, film censors wanted the more overt scenes removed but Hammer insisted that the lesbianism was not a modern addition, but from the original source material, a novel called Carmilla by J. Sheridan Le Fanu. Right on!

More trivia: the character of Lucy in Bram Stoker's Dracula was modeled after that of Emma from Carmilla. Seeing Francis Ford Coppola's film version, one can readily agree with that. Both are redheaded, ditzy, and both are just a little willing to sample a few Shrub Scout cookies. Also, The Vampire Lovers is the first (and best) of Hammer's Karnstein Trilogy. The other two are Lust for a Vampire (1971) and Twins of Evil (1972).



[Editor's note: Maude began this review on 6/16/07 - thanks for finishing it!!!]

Vampire Ecstacy

Luv me some sexay vampire movies, and this film is a fine, fine example from the early 70’s, when skinsploitation had crept into most genres. This one involves a group of 4 or 5 naïfs visiting a castle in the back hills of Germany. The castle is run by a satanic priestess or somesuch (Wanda) who is trying to pave the way for the return of a powerful Baroness vampire. This involves a lot of mind control. Much of this mind control is achieved through nekkid/body painted ritual dancing by Wanda and her coven in the basement to the tune of the devilbongos. There is a LOT of this. This is a good thing. This movie gets special recognition for the most suggestively shaped candles in a non-porn movie.

This movie had great atmosphere, the castle setting really delivered the goods (in more ways than one), even though the movie really held no scares or even much blood. Several of the darker shots in the movie are a little too dark, making some of those scenes an audio-only affair, such as the bat attack. The good news is the bat attack denuded the remaining clothed woman, thus earning the movie the much lauded Golden Treehorn. Speaking of nekkidity, the lead naïf, Marie Forsa, has her ample ‘talents’ on display for one reason or another throughout the film. She is the initial target of the coven, her virgin body to be used a vessel for the return of the Vampiress. Well they eventually have to find a new vessel, because……well don’t let me ruin it. I will just say it is worth a watch if you like horror movies with great ambiance and gobs of eye candy, the flavor that the 70’s brought us in many of the horror/exploitation films from that period.

3 Georges and a Golden Treehorn

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

If you are having a horror moviethon with a group of fellow enthusiasts or just need to 'clear the decks' after watching a poor horror movie, then pop a Troma movie into your DVD player. It really serves as a great mental palate cleanser. Well, cleanse is not an appropriate word, as there is nothing 'clean' about this movie. Troma really has cornered the market on funny/gross/tastless/outlandish/sometimes horrifiying content in their movies and their latest feature really serves as another solid example of this in their canon.

It involves a fastfood chicken franchise built on sacred burial ground and the resultant wave of chicken/hominid zombies which wages a very messy assault on the employees therein. It comes packed to the gills with buckets of blood/fluid splatters, piles of dismembered limbs, reams of crude jokes and gags, and handfuls of bared breasts. It never terrifies, as Troma is never one to take themselves too seriously. Per their norm, they are too busy trying to get to the next sight gag, deluge of blood, or shot of gratuitous nudity - often some delightful combination thereof. The acting is amateur at best, budget is obviously low, and again these are known factors when sitting down to watch a Troma feature. The new aspect that Troma reveals with this movie is several musical numbers. Now I know what you might be saying, "Karl, Fuck that shit, I hate musicals!" or possibly just wretching uncontrollably at the mere mention of the word. Well, there are only a few songs, and they are suitably crude and funny, per Troma's gutter levels of taste. I actually enjoyed them.
I know! It seems like crazy talk, but I speak the truth.

So with all the given pros and cons that Troma brings to the table, this one rates a solid 3 Georges.

Poultrygeist (2006)

Lloyd Kaufman is nothing if not consistent. I wouldn't quite go so far to say that if you've seen one Troma movie blah, blah, blah. But you can count on either Awful or Awesome, depending on your personal proclivities.

Poultrygeist is, as to be expected, both. In their trademark Troma Independent "Reel Cinema" manner they've inflicted multiple stab wounds into all of the current pop culture illusions, foibles, and just plain fuck-ups. In short order, this fast-food flesh-filled feast of a flick will have you laughing in the mirror of:

• Fast Food Culture
• College
• Empty Causes
• Lipstick Lesbians
• Patriotism
• Muslims
• Vegan Whores
• Black Pride
• Crass Capitalism
• Marketing
• Fetisism
• Musicals
• Hollywood
• Obesity

and

• Terrorism

Along the while you're assaulted by the fully-automatic stream of Troma bad puns ("Sappho B. Anthony") and twisted movie quotes ("You had me from shit-covered mongoloid.") It's a steady stream of laughing, titillation, abject gore, and then the eventual orgy of all three together. This is the Troma formula and it has worked well for them for decades.

Is it horror? Does it scare you, gross you out, make you feel vulnerable or just plain creepy? Are there breasts and killers and things you generally wouldn't plan to view in front of your mother?

The answer to all of these is yes... but with a serious caveat. Troma cinema has always leaned closer to comedy and exploitation than the conventional trappings of the horror film. Each film has been more overt in its social commentary than the last one. There aren't moody scores or carefully lit sets to emphasize the mystery of the creature lurking in the dark. Nope, it's Tromaville. Welcome to fast-talking topless female lead characters and buckets of goo spewing from the mouths of roomfuls of extras and splattered across the walls of brightly lit sets with chicken people and Joe Fleishaker. It's horror, but somehow not horror.

In any event, George has just thrown up three gooey chicken eggs. Bock bock bock. This must mean:

Fun & Games

Since I'm stuck in Arizona (and not raising him), and I forgot to post these last week when I found them, I present to you the following Entertainment Weekly columns. This way you can exercise your brains instead of annoying Karl's wife.

The top 20 (according to them) horror movies of the last 20 years. I will say that I don't agree with all of them.

And an interactive quiz - admittedly, I didn't do so well. I won't post my score - I don't want Jeff to revoke my "Dudes" decoder ring.

Vampire Junction (2001)

From the onset, there is absolutely no doubt that the budget of this film is in an altitude limbo contest with the instincts of the director: which will sink lower? The tug of war between these two contestants painfully drags across the surreal cinematic landscape of this bizarre opus for seemingly four and a half hours. It's up for the viewer to decide who wins, and I'm here to tell ya that you should prepare for a photo finish.

In actuality, this film clocks in with a running time of 1:35 but since most of the scenes are presented at one third the normal speed you risk burning in your television screen with images of Eurpoean ass pimples. As the war between the questions of "what is the minimum effort we can get away with paying for this shot?" wages between "what can my strange, aged libido rationalize asking these young actresses to do?" there is another competition afoot. Which out of shape and unappealing actress will chalk up the most utterly (read udderly) unasked for nude scenes on film: Kathy Bates or Lina Romay? Who fucking cares? But Lina has definitely upped the ante here.

When all is said and done this film doesn't truly deserve much attention. I want to pan this thing into a stinking George pile, but there is a conflict raging within me, too. My horror senses weren't left entirely untingled while watching the intentional and unintentional perversities in this film exchange... err... licks. Vampire Junction is like Ed Wood directing a softcore porn flick while praying through time to David Lynch for inspiration. For this- and for the horrifying juxtaposition of gorgeous and gross specimens of femininity blearily basking in their own dreamy decadence for the benefit of Billy the Kidd in a store bought Bela Lugosi-era Dracula cape- I give this film a Silver(?) Treehorn and an arguably deserving two Georges... one for each side of the many conflicts battling against one another in this grand cinematic hypocrisy. Perhaps in ten years we can make the call whether or not Jess Franco's classic films won out over his later shames to prevent his total loss of genre credibility.

Vampire Junction (2001)

This movie is proof that a Golden Treehorn (100% of the females get nekkid) award is not indicative of quality. This vampire flick has something to do with a journalist in a wild west town in New Mexico and there are a pair of lesbian vampires and a cowboy vampire. Other than that, I can't tell what the fuck the story was. The movie consisted of a horrid music score of jagged synth, freeform jazz, and bizarre symphonic spurts; early 80's style music video editing and effects; and almost continuous softcore sex between 2-3 women. I must say, of all the movies I have seen with a female 3-way, this is the one that least held my interest. Jess Franco is still horny, but clearly he has gone senile.

1 George (for the attractive female vampire) and a reluctant Golden Treehorn

One Eyed Monster (2008)

Karl did me a solid and provided a guided "fast forward" presentation of this film. The "Karl's Notes" version, as it were. So I haven't seen every second of footage, but I trust my fellow Dude that nothing crucial was omitted during his tour. Too long to be a comment (which is where I began posting this) but too reliant on a previous Dude's effort to stand on it's own, I present my "Fast Track Addendum" to One Eyed Monster.

I have to say it's a damn shame the decision was made to seek an R-rating for this flick. I agree with Karl that Troma could have handled this film better with respect to nudity and gore, but Troma has never approached this level of quality in any of their productions. The writing was well done and acted out a hell of a lot better than you typically find in films with premises this absurd. Even the score was good. Sure, it's chock full of Aliens parallels but in a movie centered around Ron Jeremy's killer cock on the loose these stolen scenes come off (ha ha) as more of a homage than a rip-off.

This film is a comedy at heart which mixes fact and fiction to construct a soapbox for real-life porn stars to wax poetic over their golden years from. I have to admit that I thought it was intriguing and it elicited more than a few laughs out loud. But so did Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind... doesn't mean ol' George wants anything to do with it here.

What this film needed was a lack of restraint. An injection of Troma's inhibition into this production could have created a non-rated masterpiece. This monster needed a some hot gory blood pumping into it's flaccid member. It needed full frontal nudity and scenes of graphic- not implied- penetration. A script with aged porn star characters bemoaning their faded glory status and yearning to recapture the thrill and sensationalism of their youth was well served by real-life ex-porn star actors in the very same predicament. Tragically, what made the One Eyed Monster limp was the failure of these actors to rise to the challenge of going balls-and-all in a horror movie context.

Flaccid Treehorn, indeed.

Desert of Blood (2008)

Soo.....meh
That pretty much sums up my overall impression of this dusty pile of mess.
A poorly written/acted/directed slowly paced vampire film that takes place in Mexico involving star crossed lovers, one of them being a vampire that was buried by the town priest years before.

It starts promisingly with some topless sunbathing, but quickly devolves into a plodding amateurish mess. And not a fun mess, not unintentionally hilarious, and it had almost zero 'hidden gem' quotable lines. And you are going to make a crappy horror movie, at least show us some skin. And it does at first, but then it teases throughout the rest of the film, showing us plenty of attractive women yet missing every opportunity to show us more of them.

1 George and a Blue Treehorn (for all the wasted flesh potential)

Desert of Blood (2008)

There's a reason why you see a great pair of teeth... err... teats in the opening minutes of this film: once you're done gawking at Annika Svedman's pear-like plushies, there is absolutely nothing left to sit through this film for. Sadly, that includes Jackie Freed's topless scene where it is painfully obvious that her buxom bosoms were delivered as naturally as the strained acting of her cast mates. An apt title for a film that leaves your palette dry and you loins yearning for even a fleeting glimpse of Tori White's Tecate Treasures. The latter lack of bare breastage earns "Desert of Blood" a Blue Treehorn in my book. Don't waste your time.

Drunken Weekend Review Challenge

This weekend, Karl and I will be working together to both view and review some films for the ol' site here. We may even get around to 'shopping up some images of our new Treehorn awards.

I have issued the challenge to both of us to quickly review the films right from the couch as the credits roll. We may sacrifice some quality for quantity here, but hell... the site's been pretty slow recently.

Oh and we're drinking, too. Did I really need to clarify that? So don't expect expertly crafted metaphors or AFI quality critiques. The next few days will probably see the site populated with Mr. Skin-esque assessments. C'est la vie.

One Eyed Monster (2008)

From the Netflix synopsis:
“Stranded by a storm, the cast and crew of a porn flick fall prey to a vicious killer when Ron's (Jeremy) dismembered member is possessed by a bloodthirsty alien. Now they'll have to destroy the slithering monster before it spreads its deadly seed across the world.”

Now that sounds like a perfect Dudes of Horror movie, and the title suggests nothing less than 5 George potential. But sadly, as with most things which seem to be too good to be true, this movie disappoints on almost every level.

It starts with the typical horror movie setup, a bunch of people (porn movie crew) heading to a remote area (mountaintop lodge) that becomes even more isolated (snow storm, no cell phone reception), and introduction of a threat (Ron Jeremy’s detatched alien-possessed hog).

It progresses in typical fashion, the space wang killing each person as they become separated from the rest of the crew (The separate member killing each member separately?), and finishes in a final confrontation (death by Kegels).

So we have an interesting story, standard setup, but here is where the movie loses its footing. There is almost no blood in this movie. 8 people die by an E.T. dongmonster and there is nary a significant splatter to be found, of any bodily fluid for that matter. (Well OK, there is one dribble on a woman’s shoulder just before it attacks her from the rafters.)

I guess they either blew all their budget (shot their wad?) on their cast (all virtual unknowns, with the exceptions of porn icons Ron Jeremy, Veronica Hart, and character actor Charles Napier) or they just didn’t know any good effects people. There are a few effects (a few people get choked out by Ron’s shillelagh), but they are very few and far between. Charles Napier does have a pretty good monologue in the movie about his time in ‘Nam and a previous scrape with a killer schlong, so money well spent on him at least.

The other blatantly missing factor is flesh. In a horror movie which takes place at a remote porn set, all women in the movie should be naked multiple times. That is just a motherfuckin’ fact. OEM has one actress get nekkid. Once. By herself. Briefly.

This movie struck me as something that should have been made by Troma. This sort movie is very much in their purview (perv-view?). They could have supplied what this movie needed in buckets: gooey, gross, bloody, naked, and funny. Without that it stands as merely another example of wasted potential.

1 George and a Flaccid Treehorn

Question for the Dudes (and Dudess)

Should the Jesus request that her mother send her copy of Deathbed for an August gathering? (I believe there was some talk of Jeff visiting in early August, but the Jesus will be sadly unable to attend.) A Karl's birthday / HoPoTo gathering could be fun.

I promise to work on my Captivity review, but I need to make a phone call first.

These Vampires Don’t Sparkle.

Let the Right One In.

Here's what Netflix has to say about it: "Twelve-year-old Oskar, the constant target of bullies, spends him time plotting revenge and collecting news items about the grisly murders plaguing his town. Things change for Oskar when he meets new girl, Eli, a misfit vampire who steals his heart. As a serial killer continues to prey on teen boys in the village outside Stockholm, Sweden, Eli helps Oskar find the courage to stand up to his tormentors."

My favorite line of the Netflix review "a misfit vampire steals his heart." Really, Netflix, that's what you're going with? Are you trying to curry the favor of the 'tween crowd searching for a new Bella & Edward. Ugh. It's Monday, and I really don't have the energy to rustle up the righteous indignation the Netflix review needs.

Let the Right One In is unlike any vampire movie I've seen. In fact, I learned a few new "facts" about vampires. I also think it's mislabeled as a horror movie. It's a beautifully shot, sweet and tender coming of age story, where one of the lead characters just happens to be a vampire.

Oskar hasn't had it easy, his parents are divorced, his dad is probably gay, Mom isn't around all that much. Added to this stew is the fact that some bastard kid has decided that Oskar is the perfect kid to kick around (let's pause for a moment to question why Oskar - the Bully's minions cry the entire time they beat Oskar up? Why not get some different minions and beat your old ones?). Furthermore Oskar gets some new neighbors and some freaky shit starts to go down around town.

Oskar's new neighbor Eli hangs around in the snow without a coat, smells funny sometimes and doesn't go to school even though she's the same(ish) age as he is. Eli implores Oskar to stand up to his bully and he makes something of an effort. Emboldened, Oskar & Eli play in the school basement, Oskar decides he wants Eli to be his blood-sister, slices his hand open and his new friend freaks out and starts licking the blood puddle on the floor. Oskar begins to question his new friendship, especially her "tastes."

Eli's keeper, having gone all Two-Face is no longer in the picture and she now has the place to herself (roommates can be such a bother). Oskar & Eli hang out in her apartment, she shows him her treasures and he questions her taste for blood. Once he comes to terms with the fact his new friend is a vampire, he wants to protect her from all who wish her dead.

The final five minutes of the movie elicited an audible "awww" from The Jesus.

I'm curious to hear what Karl has to say about the movie (Karl, the Jesus and another aficionado each received a copy from Netflix within a few days of each other) upon his return from the hinterland.

I give it 3.5 George's - though it doesn't have really any "George" worthy qualifications, the story, though it worth it.

Eyes of Laura Mars (1978)

This is a actually a mystery/thriller, not a horror movie per se... but since it appeared in the FearNet section of Comcast's OnDemand service (and since I am trying to recover from a dearth of posts) I'm reviewing the damn thing. It starred Faye Dunaway, Tommy Lee Jones, Raul Julia, and Brad Dourif who were all directed by Irvin Kershner (Empire Strikes Back ring a bell?) So that's how I was suckered in, anyhow.

In hindsight, I probably should have re-watched The Virgin Witch.

John Carpenter has yet to make me his fan, and this story didn't help. To the Eyes of Jeff Horror, this seemed like a lame Hitchcock attempt... minus the clever Hitchcock ending. That being said, there is a truly creepy performance by one of the actors in the end (I'm avoiding serious spoilers.) I dug the music by Artie Kane who also scored Devil Dog, Hound of Hell (a film released on television in the same year.)

On the musically negative side we find the featured song, "Prisoner", by Barbara Streisand. It was a perfect choice of song topic for the film's audience (I wanted to be freed) but I truly can't stand that bitch. One of the producers was dating Streisand at the time and bought this script for her to star in, but she declined. Thank George for that. I could stomach Tommy Lee Jones getting busy with Faye Dunaway... but Streisand? Ugh.

The titular character, a career photographer, is cursed with seeing through the eyes of a serial killer in her nightmares. She turns a negative to a positive by using these images in her work which becomes both sensational and extremely lucrative, two adjectives that I doubt applied to the box office release of this movie. (Ok, so the film made money- but it was no Star Wars.) Her photographs are much in the same vein of those by Helmut Newton, which makes sense because many of the photos used in the movie were taken by Helmut Newton.

I slagged though this film curious to see a young Brad Dourif in his usual role as creepmeister and curious to see if the nude photographer plot device would pay off with some high grade nudity that the Eyes of a Dude could take in. (High quality, indeed, but too brief. You're much better off with Hostel.)


Brad being hot.
I had to keep my sights on the puerile aspects of the film because it wasn't doing too much to engage me as a thriller through its plot. A lot more tension could have been built by having the protagonist see herself though the eyes of the killer during a few scenes. It would have been more affecting- at least to this viewer- than multiple murder scenes composed similarly from a shot of an icepick approaching the victim's eye cut to a close-up of the eye surround by a few dabs of theatrical blood. Meh.

Two Georges for moderate levels of creep, decent production value, and a smattering of fashionista flick-tips on screen. Negative points awarded for inflicting Barbara Streisand during the credit sequences.

Habitat (1997)

I hesitate to post this here as this movie doesn’t entirely qualify for this site, but I felt compelled to, as I was led astray by the brief movie description that Netflix had for this “gem” from the 90’s. I also wanted to review this as Jeff had mentioned the dearth of horror movies from that decade in a conversation I had with him recently.

Netflix’s description of the film:
“With the Earth's ozone layer completely depleted, people must remain indoors, safe from the sun's deadly rays, in this sci-fi horror flick. Scientist Hank Symes (Tcheky Karyo), however, thinks he has a solution: a genetically altered ecosystem. But when Hank's bizarre experiment mutates both he and his family into otherworldly creatures and transforms his house into a living, breathing monster, no one is safe.”

The category that www.imdb.com has the film under is sci fi/fantasy, hmm.

Well it took waaaay to long to get to the horror elements of the movie. The movie starts as the main characters (the Symes family) are moving to a new home in a new town where scientist/hippie visionary dad can set up his new lab and hippie mom (Alice Krige) can support him and prance around in her see-through clothes.

Well, day one of moving in and dad’s new lab in the basement goes all cablooie and dad gets absorbed (literally!) into his work and becomes part of the ecosystem the house develops after the lab meltdown. The house goes all primeval forest-like. Everything is wet, and not in a good way. And dad is a swarm of bugs or something.

Well junior can’t seem to settle in, no thanks to the jerk-ass gym/boxing coach and his jerk-ass student protégés who fancy themselves the school bullies. Well they suck at it, as do just about all of the actors who aren’t the protagonist family in this movie. But he does have the hots for the coach’s daughter (Laura Harris, the snotty hottie in Dead Like Me and a lead in The Faculty), which pays off with a nice skinny dipping scene late in the movie.

So anyhew, the snooping jerk-ass locals start getting all tresspassy and affected/attacked by the dad-o-sphere jungle. Sure enough, the authorities get called in and attempt to capture/contain the problem. This does not go well. The few comparatively decent gory/horror scenes happen during this sequence. Mom gets absorbed by the house and becomes a magic swarm of flies like dad and they fly off together. Junior and coach’s daughter get immunified against the harsh effects of the ozone layer-free sun (thanks to dad-jungle) and run off to have adventures and shit, like Cain in Kung-Fu.

This Canadian production spent most of its budget on the house-jungle, which was actually semi decent. There were some CGI effects but they looked about 10 years out of date for the year in which it was made. A large portion of the movie was a crappy high-school drama. The storyline of the movie came off as a message/lesson type, but by the end of the movie, it trails off into nothing.

So on the down side you have a plethora of crappy writing, bad acting (and not so bad its good), painful CGI, and on the up side you have a pretty neat dad-jungle set and Laura Harris’ breasts.

2 Georges

Jeff's Sinister Six

Hey! It's My One Hundredth Post! What better way to celebrate than to respond to the call for an official Dudes of Horror "top ten" list? As one sixth of the crew I would only be able to vouch for about one and two-thirds films (or one-point-666) if we were to attempt some manner of official consensus. Screw that. I'm just listing mine and I'll let them list theirs. That's how we do things around here!

Furthermore, you're not getting ten out of me! Instead, I'll make the assumption that six is a nice number to settle on for the genre at hand. These are my Six Sinister Selections and I don't give a George's Ass if you don't deem them "classic" enough- I like 'em! Here they are:

Return of the Living Dead
Pumpkinhead
Evil Dead II
The Abandoned
Janghwa, Hongryeon (aka "A Tale of Two Sisters")
The Vampire Lovers

If I had to program an emergency horror fest from my private collection of DVDs that showcased what I feel are some of the best out there, these Sinister Six would be in the forefront of my mind. Have I weighed every horror film I have ever seen against one another and then consulted a complex subjective matrix of requisite qualities to determine the winners? No. Neither did I draft a panel of notable blogosphere "experts" to vote and subsequently arrive at a list that anyone with a passing interest in horror could have constructed on their own. I just made a list, man. These are films I dig and have repeatedly enjoyed watching.

Six films are a lot to sit through in one go, so if I had to squeeze my selections into one day's viewing then either "The Abandoned" or "Two Sisters" would have to sit it out. These two selections tread on some similar ground in their presentations and I don't think either one would be done justice if it had to follow the other.

Once upon a time I proposed a daily programming formula to Karl for our beloved Hopoto festivals. Each slot had a distinct place in the evening and attempted to complement the arc of events as a fine wine complements a fine cheeseburger. Or something to that effect... Anyhow, if I applied this time-tested programming methodology to my Six Sinister Selections, the main night would work something like this:



We'd start off before dark with a somewhat accessible film that anyone breezing through the viewing room might enjoy. Something fun, yet substantial. An appetizer, if you will. "Return of the Living Dead" is some of the most fun I have ever had in horror. It also works well as an introduction to the genre for any uninitiated who may be in attendance. With scares, laughs, boobs, gross outs, and a new take on an old tale, this film pretty much has it all covered.

Once the initiation had taken place, we'd move further into the dark haunted woods of horror. With the sun now set, the tone could now likewise transit from light to dark as horror fans supplant horror groupies and ready themselves for action. A solid film with atmosphere and story is required... but not necessarily something that demands your undivided attention. After all, you still have plenty of partying to do and the crowd could very well be noisy and over-jubilant. No need to be a Nazi... yet.



"Pumpkinhead" certainly takes more than a few steps into haunted woods. This oft-overlooked gem of a film is serious in tone and hefty on the creature effects, being a pet project of veteran creature-creator Stan Winston. Although it eventually (and briefly) sort of lapses into the tired eighties serial killer routine, the ride is creepy and fun to watch. This is absolutely one of my favorites if only for the atmosphere of the witch's shack and the pumpkin patch. To me, it screams Halloween. Light a bunch of candles and eat candy when you watch it.



The third film is meant for the hardcore. This is the showpiece- the bearer of high expectations by a discriminating audience of horrorphiles. No sissy films will be tolerated here, and the audience is asked to be attentive. Loud films- and especially those with quality sound presentations- belong in this slot. That being said, it's hard to find a better candidate than "Evil Dead II." Having the distinction of carrying the only Full George rating yet at The Dudes of Horror, it demands your full attention and won't disappoint!

The fourth film is in a unique position: it aims to please hardcore (and still awake) attendees who want more horror goodness but at the same time hopes to settle the senses somewhat as sleep approaches. As if those requirements weren't difficult enough, it additionally must face the reality that whichever viewers haven't already passed out yet are probably about to. A proper selection for this slot is one which is heavy on imagery over narrative. Such a film stands a better chance of conveying its content to those folks who find themselves consciousness impaired.



Out of my six selections, "The Abandoned" would fare the best here. Lulling you into a dreamlike state with its wonderful scoring and ghostly imagery this movie can deliver the horror goodies regardless of whether you are following its twisted storyline. In my opinion it was the best film exhibited during the original "8 Films to Die For" event and remains a solid contender in the much larger world of horror.

In the final programming slot, a quieter and more visually pleasing (read "lots of skin") film is placed for brief viewing in between tossing and turning sleepily on the couch. You don't want this selection to have the potential to scare the living shit out of you if you quickly wake up from a nightmare that was already scaring the living shit out of you. This is where the "Po" in "Hopoto" (aka the HOrror POrnaThOn) would generally find itself, but this is also where "The Vampire Lovers" finds itself in my programme of horror film favorites.



This Hammer Film is wonderful to wake up to and pleasantly conducive to falling right back asleep again. Although The Virgin Witch has much greater potential to deliver the bare necessities to sleepy-eyed patrons, "The Vampire Lovers" is by far the superior presentation. A large castle containing large... assets... and more period costumes than you can shake a stake at. Just the kind of thing you'd naturally encounter on late-night television in times of yore, without the edits and commercials.



Attentive readers will note that I haven't yet placed "A Tale of Two Sisters". Aha! This film properly belongs in the middle slot where it was effortlessly usurped by the Evil Dead. Its complex plot and masterful Dolby Digital EX soundtrack demand center stage and its subtitles certainly require an attentive audience. If the screenings of my six films could take place over two nights, it would be center stage during one of them. I would refrain from screening this film during the same session as "The Abandoned" because it also relies on atmosphere and runs nearly two hours long. The running time is well worth it, though. A lush production and deep plot matched with superior scenes of horror make it a feast for the true aficionado.

So there's my list and I can finally get some sleep. Perhaps I'll queue up that Hammer Film...

Devil Dog: Hound of Hell (1978)

Lost: Devil Dog, Hound of Hell

---

• 
  Last seen on TV in 1978


• 
  Father victimized by Martine Beswicke in a satanic cult ritual


• 
  Sold into the slavery of a wandering pedophile


• 
  Shot by Richard Crenna


• 
  Immolates housemaids


• 
  Causes drowning


• 
  Sets random fires


• 
  Mesmerizes homeowners to attempt self-mutilation


• 
  Corrupts families


• 
  Breeds insanity


• 
  Is possessed by the devil


• 
  Answers to name of "Lucky"

The Lifetime Channel's Horror Spotlight Presents: El Orfanato

This movie is the English Patient of horror films. Like a dramatic love story, you need to have a soft spot somewhere in your heart to enjoy the full impact of this film. So I fucking hated it. F. Epic Fail.

Alright, alright... so this isn't really a beer chugging, pizza and wild times with your friends feel-good zombie romp. It's a high production ghost story that relies heavily on a realistic sense of creep. Whereas the classic "Dead" films (the Dawn of the Deads, the Evil Deads) hit you over the head with gory images and lead you into a hyper-realistic world of special effects makeup, El Orfanato's few gory images take place within the context of the "real world" conjured up for the viewer by an adept production crew. When a horrible image is portrayed it's affecting not simply in a "ewww yuck!" or "wow, that was cool" way; rather, it's like waking up in the middle of the night to find a half-rotted animal twitching under your bed. It works.

I conjure up the sublime, unholy-yet-hallowed names of the Dead Movies for good reason: El Orfanato approaches this level of horror greatness. Yet, in the macabre zoo of horror film beasties you'll find this Guillermo del Toro offering to be a half-rotted animal indeed: its genetic makeup of half horror and half heartstring-pulling drama make taxonomical placement difficult. Ultimately, the film doesn't fully satisfy the requirements of either camp to be the shining star of any particular pigeon-holed genre... and this is good. It stands on its own- each foot firmly placed across categorical boundary lines- to affect its audience while telling a solid story. Simply put, it's a really good movie.

We are not, however, The Dudes of Drama. There are no laughs and no boobs; furthermore, finding myself at the closing credits feeling like a middle-aged woman who just sat through the fucking Bridges of Madison County means that something is quite amiss in Dudeville. Arriving at a rating somewhere between 3 and 4, I hired a team of Spanish mediums to contact the spirit of our dearly departed namesake, George. I took his ghostly squeaks of approval in my ears to indicate that extra fractions of George points could be awarded not only for the excellent and effective Dolby Digital 5.1 sound mix but also for the brief cameo of one of George's relatives in the scene where the cache of dolls is discovered.

The Orphanage rates a solid four Georges, but don't plan a party around it- you may be too bummed out afterward to eat the cake.