Two Henpecked Reviews: The Hamiltons and Unrest

I tells ya, sometimes it's tough to be a cool wife.

I mean, what would have happened if lo, many moons ago, I had lied to Jeff when the subject of horror movies came up? "Ew, no, scary movies freak me out! I'd rather do my hair and watch Survivor..." Simper, giggle!

Would I be here today shouldering a big guilt trip from the husband over me slacking on the horror blog? Because somehow I think in the normal world, guys don't get pissed if their wives don't get all Siskel and Ebert (or Ebert and Roper for you young ones) after watching body parts flying around for two hours. Then again in the normal world, men probably also expect their wives to dress better than me and my Aqua Teen Hunger Force XXL T-shirt. So I guess it evens out.

The truth is, I'm pretty shallow with my horror viewing. I don't come away afterwards with a deep need to discuss the film. I'm like a guy in a relationship that way. Was the movie good? Sure. Could I tell you what it was about in more than five words? Probably not. Horror movies, for the most part, are not made by directors expecting to contribute to Cinema (with a captial "C"). It's a fast buck, a quickie, a bag of doritos. You eat the doritos, toss out the bag, let out a thunderburp, and then forget they ever existed. And that's pretty much how I treat a horror movie. It's how I enable myself to continue enjoying them, pretty much. I don't WANT expectations - thus, I don't have to feel disappointed later.

There's the odd exception, of course. There are some movies that, in my opinion, should exist behind a wall of glass, they're that untouchable. The Exorcist, The Shining, and The Omen are some obvious favorites. Newer ones like the Dawn of the Dead remake, A Tale of Two Sisters, and The Grudge (the Sam Raimi version, not the original....so yeah, I'm not a purist) were solid gems that delivered the goods with style. These are films that leave you guessing and tense in your chair...possibly with a fringe benefit of getting yourself so creeped out that you leave every light in the house on...just, you know, because you like it that way. Not like you're scared or anything. Those are movies that get me talking, man.

But the vast majority of horror movies? Crunch, toss, burp, forget.

So....that's my overly long winded way of saying: Jeff, forgive me for the lack of reviews. And forgive me for the short reviews I'm about to deliver. Stop looking at me like that! I'll do my best, I swear!

Love, Maude

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WARNING!!! MASSIVE SPOILERS BELOW!!!








THE HAMILTONS (Originally part of the "8 Films to Die For" Horrorfest that started off the blog)
Life's a bitch when you're the oldest child in a family of flesh-eaters and you're expected to take over as parent after Mom and Dad die. You've got social workers to fool, a shit job to pay the bills, twins Wendell and Darlene who are just a little too psycho to keep a low profile, Francis the Wonderwhiner a.k.a. "I am a typical 15 year old boy, I hate everyone, watch me be arty and morose with my camera", and a basement pet that must be fed. One wonders why David doesn't just say "You know what? Kiss my middle finger, assholes. I'm taking off for the Big City, where I've got my pick of gay boys to suck blood from. Hell, I could go to a Marilyn Manson show and be mobbed by Hot Topic freaks begging me to take a bite out of their asses. Later, losers!"

Vampires are a favorite of mine, and I give this movie kudos for approaching the topic from a fresh angle. There's no mystique, no crosses or capes - just a family of kids trying to keep their shit together, squabbling with each other, but who pull together in the end. Awww. So what if they like to bathe in blood?

All actors are solid "slightly above average for a B movie" material. Good, fresh angle on the story. A fair job on blood - nothing extreme or impressive, but not horribly laughable. No real sex or nudity other than a quick boob shot. I'm still a little fuzzy on the rating system. Are we judging based on components - as in, this movie scored on plot and acting, so I give it two Georges? Or based on the George guide, which would be 3 Georges, or, "I'd watch it again"? Eh. Three Georges. I liked it enough.




And now for....



UNREST

I have to curb my instinct to go with a quick negative review. Right off the bat I took a dislike to the main character, who has this Britney Spears psycho-ditz vibe going. The dialogue is bad - you can tell the writers were going for natural banter, but whether due to uninspired writing or bad acting, it comes off like a high school drama team in the middle of a painful acting exercise. The soundtrack, a jungle-boogie version of Carmina Burana, got annoying after the first hour, it was used so extensively and loudly. The romance between the leads is just cringeworthy - there's that natural banter attempt again, yet here it comes across more like porn dialogue without the tits and ass. And the plot? What could have been an interesting look at the spirit world and what the dead think of their treatment post-mortem, becomes a confusing film that focuses too much on shitty dialogue and too many frikkin' dead bodies, finds itself short on time, and has to finish explaining the plot in one big WTF!?! rush that thunders, jungle-boogie style, towards its final, retarded denoument.

There were some good gross-out moments, I will give it that. One good laugh at the beginning of the movie. And I appreciated the attempt at suspenseful camera shots. I initially gave it only 1 George rating, though. Gross corpse shots just don't carry the rest of the movie.

After consulting with Jeff, who was a bit taken aback at me awarding the first George's Ass - to a film he liked, no less - I'm reconsidering my final rating. As far as I was concerned, I didn't give it 0 Georges, so it could have been worse, right? But I didn't realize that 1 George was George's Ass, as in, "This movie sucked ass!" It wasn't THAT bad. But...I wouldn't see it again, and I hesitate to even imagine recommending it as a rental. You'd have to be a pretty voracious horror movie fan to get this low in the bottom of the barrel. Still and all...how about a rating of 1.5 Georges, or George's Ass and a Half? After all, this movie was pretty half-assed.