Cause everyone else is doing it...

Of course, I'm just going to link it. A take on the top 25 "modern" horror movies. Dudes (and Dudess), I think we can (and should) make our own list (and/or improve upon this one).

Ils (Them) (2006)

I wanted to like this one. I really did. But through the consistently horrible decisions of the 2 protagonists, I found myself glad that Darwinism took its course.

Picture a French couple living in a pretty neat old mansion in the countryside of Romania. She is a French teacher in a nearby school and he is, well who knows, he is just overly sensitive about his cooking (and no, that is not a euphemism). Well, their little Eden is intruded upon in the form of noises in the night that need investigating, turning the power to the house on and off, theft of their car, invasion of their home, and ultimately their deaths (assumedly, since they are dragged off camera).

Throughout the ordeal they are “chased”, (although the protagonists rarely see the antagonists) through their home and eventually their plot of land. During this time they make very few good choices, so often that I was actively yelling at the screen at how stupid they were. Now I will forgive bad choices that happen at crucial moments that keep the story going, and in horror movies they can be explained by the throes of panic, but for two thirds of the movie to be stockpiled with them smacks of laziness.

The couple flees their house into the wilds of their property, being chased by the creepy sounds of their attackers and find what I initially called ‘the forest’s basement’. It seemed to be a sewer system or system of tunnels out in the middle of their property, which has at least one grated vent next to a fairly well traveled road, so they weren’t completely isolated. Seems to me they could have hoofed it over land and made it to this road and been able to get a lift. No no, let’s go down into a likely dead end!

SPOILER

So when the reveal comes that their attackers are all grade school kids, it just aggravated me further. I was pissed at the kids, moreso at their parents, and at the school system. The final shot is of a school bus picking up the killer kids in the morning as they run to it, fresh from offing the couple. Their teachers don’t call home to see why Johnny is caked in blood and mud? Bah.

To sum up: Stupid protagonists who make it impossible to identify with, virtually no gore, no nudity, no laughs, nothing really new, and antagonists that are aggravating for all the wrong reasons.

The only reason this gets a rating above a zero is because it is short, coming in at a slender 77 minutes.

Voila un epece de putain merde! (pardon my poor French)

1 George

And then there's Maude

So, Ils what can one say about Them? One could say that it wasn't the best horror movie in recent memory. One could say that the protagonists deserved their grisly deaths for being monumentally stupid. Alternately one could say that Maude scaring the bejesus out of the Jesus was the best thing about it.

I will say that I envied the idiots their house, although I don't understand why any house would have a two-level attic - that's just weird.

I know this isn't much of a review, however, my compadres will redeem me (or vouchsafe me - whichever you prefer).

Final thoughts - at least I didn't have to watch Saw.

so, halloween...

We are really freaking sad. Special thanks to Maude for helping, but it doesn't excuse. Jesus tells me (cause, I would know) that MANY reviews of Ils will be coming. Also, Zombie Stripper which I'm afraid will be overlooked coming the NOW Awards of the years will be forthcoming.

Hold tight dear readers.

Love, of course,

Jesus

ONLY with good touches, and NO touches during the haunt

PS We drink too much wine. Woooo!!!! Elipsis!

SLITHER

OK, it’s not obscure, it’s boobie-less, and there is no Big black prosthetic spunking beast todger. So what? This movie still kicked ass.

James Gunn, previously of Troma and partial screenplay writer for the Dawn of the Dead remake, created a little gem here. The movie is set in Hicktown USA, populated by hunters, line dancing rednecks, and cops who like to clock birds with their radar guns. A meteorite lands in the woods and out crawls a parasitic alien life form, which launches itself at Grant Grant, out in the woods looking for a good time with a barfly he picked up while stewing about his marriage. Grant then turns into a mutant squid, cleans out the town’s population of dogs, spawns a legion of mouth-seeking leeches, and turns almost the entire town into zombified hive mind minions. Nathon Fillion (a.k.a. Captain Tightpants), as sheriff Bill Pardy, basically reprises his Firefly role as a wisecracking, gun-toting cowboy (as God intended it) and saves the Earth but not before we get to see a whole lot of splatter. It pays homage to B-grade horror and is meant to be funny and gross. Reminds me of the good old days, when my brother and I used to rent bad horror by the truckload and laugh our asses off.

Sadly, Slither was a box office bomb. I guess people were more interested in Stay Alive, which of course was a movie about…what? Remind me? Oh yeah, a video game where you DIE FOR REALS. Whatever.

I think the real fault of Slither lies not in the film but in movieplex pricing. If I’m going to pay $10.50 for a movie, plus concession, plus baby-sitter, plus time spent sitting through 20 minutes of network television commercials before the coming attractions even start, then I want to be pretty sure that it’s going to be an awesome movie experience. In a world where Uwe Boll is making movies, people are a little leery of horror. If a horror film isn’t advertising itself as The Most Extreme Torture Mystery Thriller To Ever Rock Your World, it’s gonna be an uphill battle. Did I see Slither in the theater? No. Would I recommend it as a rental or a DVD purchase? Yes. By the GRS (George Rating system) it only gets 3 Georges...no boobs, no scares, but plenty of laughs, gore, and a fresh approach. I’m bumping it up to 4 Georges just because of the plethora of the latter three criteria. And Captain Tightpants.

Calvaire (The Ordeal) 2004

Calvaire is a refreshing survival horror flick from the horror capital of the world, BELGIUM. OK, so maybe Belgium is a country better known for its beer. And maybe refreshing applies more aptly to the beer, but even with its obvious influences and odes, this movie takes a less traveled path.

Speaking of less traveled paths, that is where the protagonist’s van breaks down in the middle of the woods in rural Belgium. Marc is a solo singer/performer taking his show to various hot spots of entertainment around the country, starting with what looks to be a retirement home, where he is hit on by the nursing staff and the residents. He finishes the gig and gets on the road to make it to some Christmas Gala. Van breaks down and he finds some rustic inn nearby and is taken in by its kindly wizened proprietor, Bartel. Over dinner we learn that Bartel used to be a comedian and his wife (who left him) was a singer, like Marc. Well, after Marc spends the night after Bartel offers to fix the van, things start to get weird. Bartel decides that Marc is his wife that has returned to him, so he knocks him out with a car battery and puts him in a dress and, um “styles” his hair.

The local villagers are no better mentally, as they see Marc as Bartel’s returned wife as well. At least the leader of the villagers, played by Philipe Nahon (the disturbing lead in “I Stand Alone”) sees Marc as Bartel’s ex-wife, who he apparently had a thing for when she was around. So in addition to Bartel’s twisted captivity, the locals come after him as well, which leads to a lovely romp through the countryside.

Calvaire is a first effort from director Fabrice Du Weiz and he avoids a lot of the cliché horror movie fallbacks. There are no stab cues in the music, the ending is very non-standard, and although I am a fan of excess gore, I don’t think this would have benefited this movie. It would have hurt the impact of the creepy and disturbing parts (like the dancing scene at the local watering hole, or Marc’s visit to the ‘petting’ farm). The downside of avoiding horror clichés is the lack of nudity, although he does manage to shoehorn in a teeny bit via a stack of Polaroids from the nursing staff to Marc, as part of his “payment”. Definitely worth a watch.

3 Georges

El Orfanato (The Orphanage) (2007)

Why is it that all ghost stories all occur in creepy old HUGE houses? Why is it (except for that one episode of Angel) that they never happen in apartments? Is it something in the fundamental nature of creepy huge houses. I mean I live in huge old house that's divided up into apartments, but no ghosts (considering we think it used to be a brothel back in the day, one would think there'd be a ghost or two of a whore wandering about, but no... the guy in the basement thought he heard a ghost once, but it turned out to be my cat). What was I talking about, oh yeah, creepy old houses & ghosts, so yeah, did you see The Others? If so, you may as well have seen El Orfanato. This is not to say I didn't like the movie, quite the opposite in fact, I very much enjoyed the flick. It relied upon the score to create that essential atmosphere of creepy. If I could have been fortunate enough to see it with surround sound, I'd probably be scared out of my wits - especially the psychic scene (I kept waiting for the psychic from Poltergeist to show up). It had a better story and was beautifully shot, however, once the old woman is identified, you know where the story is going. Albeit except for the twist at the end (spoiler - it's kind of an M. Night twist)

That said, I sincerely believe the little kid who played Simón could pull off Damien in a heartbeat.
Not to mention his little invisible friend who thinks he's the Scarecrow from Batmang - that kid gave me the willies.

All in all an enjoyable flick, very worthwhile. It was apropos that I happened to watch it during a thunderstorm, which made the atmosphere even better. If I had an ounce of foresight, I could have watched it via candlelight.

Oh yeah, sorry boys, no nudity.

Still,

4 Georges.

Sheitan (2006)

The French have taken a traditional horror story arc and added their own style and flavor, resulting in a pleasing vichyssoise called Sheitan.

A bunch of 20 somethings mix it up in the club/disco scene in the big city (they call them discos in Europe, yet they feature no disco music OR bellbottoms, what gives?) and meet a hottie who invites them all to her rustic country manse to continue the party and enjoy the Christmas Holiday. They all pile into a car and make the trek to BFF (like BFE, but in France) where they encounter Vincent Cassel along the road when they have to stop the car due to a goat roadblock. Vincent plays a creepy crusty bumpkin really well.

The kids make it to the expansive house where they get a partial tour that includes a room of doll parts, from the hottie’s father’s former doll making business we are told. Vincent is called the housekeeper/groundskeeper of this abode, but I think he owns the joint, and he has a wife that is kept tucked away (for good reason, it turns out) for most of the movie.
Over dinner Vincent relates a little story about incest, a deal with the devil, and a special ‘gift’. By the end of the movie we learn that the story is about Vincent and is the reason the kiddies were brought out to the farm. Violence and mayhem ensue, and the movie ends with a most disturbing Christmas Family Portrait.

This movie had a pretty good balance of everything that makes a great horror movie: a few laughs, nudity, clever camera shots, oddball characters, and mounting tension/unease culminating in disturbing violence. The soundtrack, particularly the music in and around the front half of the movie included some great techno/fusion/trance (whatever the hell the kids call it these days). There were a number of really clever camera shots throughout the movie, including a subtle shift in camera focus, moving ones eye from the 3-way happening in the foreground to Vincent Cassel leering into the room from outside the house whilst hanging from a ledge.

The movie is packed to the gills with hell/underworld/biblical temptation and punishment imagery and symbolism. Some is a bit heavy handed, but it’s great fun to shout them out when you see them. (Eve offering people apples, dude getting frightened by a snake and Vincent chastising him and taking care of the snake, Club Styxx, a very satanic looking goat, and there’s even a plague of locusts in someone’s bed!)

The fact that Sheitan is this director’s (Kim Chapiron) first feature-length movie makes it even better. I can’t wait to see what he does next.
So to all those responsible for this bit of celluloid, I say this: “Mercy Buckets, mes amis!”
4 Georges

Sheitan (2006)

So every year the Big American Picture Companies put out their annual quota of horror films (about one) targeted at the current generation of teenage moviegoers. Scream. I Know What You Did Last Summer. Etc, etc, ad nauseum. They're the perfect movie to go see with cute Susie Jones or hot Bobby Smith because Susie gets an excuse to scream and Bobby gets an excuse to put his arm around her. The movie can be as shitty as it wants to be because until the day when there aren't any teenagers and/or movie theaters there will always be a market for one-and-a-half hours in a dark room with excuses for teenage courtship.

But if you're like me, the question burning in your mind right now is: what are these movies like in France? (Ooo la la!)

Yeah... it wasn't exactly burning so hot in my mind, either. But I'm here to tell you that if "Sheitan" is any indication then perhaps the French cousins of our American teen horror films are a notch or two above the usual fare.

What you get:

• Some creepy scenes and at least one that's downright gross


• A hot female lead who gets delightfully naked


• Ample laughs

Which essentially translates to: scares, sex, and fun: the essential ingredients of any good horror film.

But Evil Dead II this is not.

The plot is another variation of "kids stumble into a house of evil" and in this case is of the big mansion variety (ala Satan's Blood). Nothing new there. The film also has its share of minor cliches and plot holes.

What makes it watchable is that all of the elements are presented with technical merit: there's some great editing (the sunset sequence), clear and colorful processing (emphasizing natural colors rather than using oppressive color filters), and good acting: Cassel is brilliantly creepy. I even liked the soundtrack.

The Tartan DVD release is presented in 5.1 DTS Surround along with the standard Dolby Digital 5.1 and 2.0 audio tracks, per their usual (very welcome) standard. It's nice to see Tartan bringing us a film from a non-Asian country! How many more times do we need to witness a horror scene end with a punctuated cut of a pale-faced kid in a long black wig?

Although the film's dialog is in French, English subtitles are available and are done rather well.

This sure isn't a classic but I'm guessing it will beat the hell out of Saw XIV.

4 Georges.

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

The simplified moral I came away with from this bit of celluloid is ‘Americans can be real jerkwads’. I know what you are thinking, that really isn’t something that the world doesn’t already know. Well maybe the world was a bit hazy on the point back in 1980.

It’s a movie about an anthropologist who goes off into the deep green jungle to find out the fate of a team of documentarians. The anthropologist finds the remains of the team, along with all the footage they shot. The footage is reviewed and it turns out the documentarians are a bunch of real jerkwads: killing the local fauna, killing members of the various tribes they encounter by gun and mass immolation, the occasional rape of some local lucky lady; you know, general dickholery. The natives eventually kill all members of the group one by one, most of it caught on film.

Most of the deaths of the humans seemed realistic, apt for the “real documentary footage” feel of the film within the film, but the error the director made was having the footage be all nice and spliced together. There were two cameras in the documentary crew and the footage the anthropologist recovered from the jungle was seemingly already through the editing room, rather than separate reels from the separate cameras.

The big negative that just completely distracted me for the length of the film was the killing of animals that happened throughout the “recovered” footage. 7 different species are killed on film, purely for the sake of the film. For a shitty cannibal movie like this, the director was seemingly scrambling for anything to gain some sort of notoriety. This kind of bullshit stunt erases any positives his movie may have accrued. I guess Italians can be real jerkwads, too.

0 Georges





Sidenote: There was a bigass billboard ad for J&B whiskey in the movie, staple of Italian horror of the 70s.

À l'intérieur (2007)

Dang, a dearth of posts, now a plethora... that's how the Dudes roll.

À l'intérieur

Well, goddamn, those French sure are a stabby bunch of people. If ever there was a reason not to contract sperm poisoning, this movie is it.

Highlights include some of the most creative arterial I’ve seen in a while spray (In fact, I laughed so loud at one scene, the people walking by stopped and looked in the window and backed away slowly*), a number of cringe worthy stabbing scenes (Boys take note – look away after La Femme stabs the guy in the knee – trust me its for your own good.), a cesarean section and tracheotomy that I’m sure the AMA would frown upon, and the clever application of what I can only imagine is oven cleaner. Not to mention the creepiest final frame I’ve witnessed in ages.

À l'intérieur runs about 83 minutes (9 of which are the credits, and speaking of credits, the opening ones are worth watching just to figure out what it’s supposed to be, and the music, which reminded me A LOT of Irreversible.), uses at least 780 gallons of fake blood, kills all but three of the cast members, and features about 15 different kinds of stabbing with various implements. Actually, everybody sort of gets into a stabby frame of mind, if they’re not being stabbed, they are stabbing something.

Beatrice Dalle gives new meaning to the term “scissor sister.” In fact, I wonder if the band didn’t come up with the name after watching this movie. She’ll use a gun, but watch out, if she has her scissors, you best be runnin’.

So, would the “Dudes” like it, well it’s hard to say, no one gets their kit off, as mentioned above there’s an ouchie scene for the boys, however, it’s everything Haute Tension and Hostel could have been but wasn’t. 4 George’s just for the copious amounts of gore.

Sorry kids, I’m out of practice, I’m sure the posts will get better...

*Why yes, I do use humor as a defense mechanism, why do you ask?

A Big Fucking Rat!

I have a sinking feeling that this post's title might aptly describe the 2007 After Dark Selections quite well. With good ol' Karl at my side, I took in three of the selections now that they have been released on DVD.

They largely sucked.

Why does the local bar stock a frying pan on Mulberry Street? If the answer is "to be prepared in the event that rat people unexpectedly attack our patrons" then how about stocking some cheese-scented guillotines or even a handy shotgun?

Why was the sound editor allowed to make the decision that rock songs and ominous you're-about-to-be-scared score selections should eclipse the impact of the actual scares being attempted? Why do I even care when this movie is nothing more than a failed attempt to ride the coat tails of 2004's Dawn of the Dead remake?

And we all know that if you want to improve an already great movie, you simply replace the key antagonists with crazed rat people. Casablanca didn't need Nazis... it needed more rats, damn it.

I like that the writer tried to get us involved with the individual characters before they all met and interacted to fend of the rat people... but it sure would have been nice if those characters did or said anything that I could- pardon the expression- give a rat's ass about.

5 Georges go to Karl for providing the actual entertainment during this viewing. When a character explained "They're Rat People! Fucking Rat People!" Karl replied "We need some Fucking Cat People! Fucking Cat People to chase out these Fucking Rat People!"

The Ghost of George was scurrying around nearby when this was said. George overheard Karl's comment, laughed his ghostly ass off, and left it for Mulberry St. to have as its rating.

3 Films to Get Slightly Bruised For

At chez Karl, Jeff and I plopped down and watched 3 of the 8 Films to Die For 2007.
Here is my brief take on them.


Mulberry St. (2007)



a.k.a., 28 Rats Later, or Dawn of the Rats. No, not really. But it sure seems like the writer/director was a big fan of both of those movies.. Take the remake of Dawn of the Dead, change zombie to rat-person, center the story around one crappy apartment building in New York (on Mulberry St), and do it on 1/4000th the budget and VOILA!
It has all been done before and done better. It really didn’t bring anything new to the horror table, and it committed (in my distorted opinion) one of the most egregious errors that a movie of this low caliber can commit. If you are going to be unoriginal, crappily acted, and unscary, then at least do the viewer the service of granting a gander at some bewbs or at the very least, a messy/creative death.
1 George, only because it made me feel unclean due to the general gunginess of the apartment building/environs.





The Deaths of Ian Stone (2007)



Great concept, decently executed on a decent budget. Oh, and a Stan Winston production. So already, we are way ahead of Mulberry St.
The main character, a poor man’s Johnny Lee Miller, gets killed every day. And each day he comes back as a different person. Groundhog Day for the horror crowd.
There is a deeper story behind that idea and I won’t spoil it, but it eventually all makes sense.
Some decent visual effects as well as blood and gore appropriate to the story keeps the view engaged throughout. I was excited to see the crazy British antagonist from the second season of Dexter (Jaime Murray), but disappointed that she didn’t shed any vestments for the movie, as she did for the series. So my review takes a negative hit for that.
3 Georges (could have been more but Jaime had to go and get shy on us)





Unearthed (2007)



An archaeological dig and small town get terrorized by a creature in the middle of New Mexico. Been done. Not a lot of new ideas here. The creature looks like a rejected design of H.R. Giger and one of the scenes is a DIRECT rip off of the Alien series. Really bad animation on the creature’s movements and attacks, however the film does have a few great stuntman stunts, with people being blown through the air from explosions and such. When the creature starts attacking, it isn’t totally clear as to why it is doing what it is doing or if and why it has changed its intentions, even though there are several scenes which are very heavy handed plot explanation sequences. I did enjoy the ‘loogie shrimp’ though. Occasionally the creature would attack by spitting these little guys a victim and these little shrimp-like projectiles would stick in their skin and burrow inside.
Bonus point for having Charlie Murphy as one of the stranded motorists in the town, to grace the film with his Charlie Murphy-ness. He also had a pretty sweet death.

2 Georges (this movie could have been so much more)

Blood Sucking Freaks (1976)

Originally Released As: The Incredible Torture Show



In a nutshell: A slave ring run by a guy that looks like Gene Wilder’s creepy uncle and his midget assistant uses some of its “recruits” as part of a twisted stage show that involves presenting torture and death as “art”. Typical chick flick.

This movie is the grandpappy of torture porn (Hostel, Saw, etc.), but with a super low budget and all the visual sensibilities that the late 70’s brought us. Looooooooow budget. So low that all the torture and murders scenes come off as unintentional camp. Quite a few actually occur off camera, keeping the budget to the low 100$.

Dialogue/Acting: mostly awful, and not a good awful like a Troma production, where the script is self-aware and luxuriates in its awfulness. There were a few Troma-worthy groaner puns sprinkled sparingly throughout, though. One came at the end of a scene where Sardu (Gene Wilder’s uncle) played Ralphus (midget assistant) in a game of backgammon and they used the freshly chopped-off fingers of a couple of nekkid slave girls as wagering chips. I can’t even remember what the bad pun was, I just remember groaning.

Ralphus is a super excitable little guy in this pic. Most of his emoting involves a big shit eating grin (that did not happen in this movie, this isn’t Salo) and him bouncing around like a hyper 8 year old on Christmas morning. He was happy feeding the almost-feral and cannibalistic guard slaves in their cage, happy head-bonking the slaves trying to get out of their cardboard (?) shipping containers, happy just to bounce around sporting his bushy little van dyke beard and white guy afro.

Why is this movie called “Blood Sucking Freaks,” you ask? Well there is a scene that involves a demented doctor that Sardu uses to tend to his “product”, where the doctor does some unnecessary surgery and sucks some blood and viscera out of someone’s head with a straw. So there you go.

I think this movie has the highest disparity ratio of nekkid bodies to total lack of erotic content that I have ever seen. Really. Maybe I am jaded, but with all women in the movie who weren’t audience members at Sardu’s show getting naked, one would think at least a respectable portion would be respectable. A series of disappointing presents.

There were a few fun spots in this picture, but there was too much unrewarding crap in between. A budget would have helped: sets, effects, script, acting talent, skin talent. This movie might improve with a lot of booze and a large group of people.
2 Georges.

Alucarda (1978)

If you like or have a high tolerance for screaming, then you should acquire and feature this Mexican horror movie prominently in your collection. If you can get past the nigh ubiquitous screaming, then you are still in for a treat.

Justine, an easy on the eyes orphan, arrives at a convent and makes friends with Alucarda, a lusty little spitfire who eventually introduces her to a group of gypsies that broaden the girls’ horizons and introduce them to Satan.

The leader (?) of the gypsies is a creepy hippie homunculus who eventually gives the girls a dagger blessed with gypsy tears or somesuch, which he uses to perform some kind of nekkid blood sharing ceremony betwixt the two lasses. (Yes, fellas, it is a good scene).
Oh, and the gypsy camp has a big ole’ nekkid conga line/ritual. See kids? There are viable alternatives to Christianity!

The girls begin acting out and screaming a lot and screaming during religious instruction and spinning around and getting up to all kinds of hi-jinks (both clothed and unclothed).

The convent is run by a bunch of nuns whose habits make them look like bleeding mummies. We find out that the primary reason for this is because of their flagellation sessions, to whip the sin and temptation out of their minds (and skin). The convent itself has many rooms that look very organic, like they were carved out of stone or used a system of caves, very non-standard convent housing.

The nuns decide to exorcise the two girls. This involves chaining them to large Xs of wood and stripping them down so one of the nuns can cleanse(?) Justine by sticking her repeatedly with a convent shiv. Well, needless to say, she doesn’t pull out of her possession, so she gets laid to rest in a crypt that serves for a great scene when she pops out of a coffin (nekkid) that is literally filled with blood (so she is all bloody and nekkid) and fully throws down on a nun and then chomps her neck.

The movie ends with a nice big scene with Alucarda using her satanic screaming and yelling abilities to cause the mummy nuns to spontaneously menstruate and/or burst into flames. I know, pretty sweet.

I give this movie 4 Georges.