Eyes of Laura Mars (1978)

This is a actually a mystery/thriller, not a horror movie per se... but since it appeared in the FearNet section of Comcast's OnDemand service (and since I am trying to recover from a dearth of posts) I'm reviewing the damn thing. It starred Faye Dunaway, Tommy Lee Jones, Raul Julia, and Brad Dourif who were all directed by Irvin Kershner (Empire Strikes Back ring a bell?) So that's how I was suckered in, anyhow.

In hindsight, I probably should have re-watched The Virgin Witch.

John Carpenter has yet to make me his fan, and this story didn't help. To the Eyes of Jeff Horror, this seemed like a lame Hitchcock attempt... minus the clever Hitchcock ending. That being said, there is a truly creepy performance by one of the actors in the end (I'm avoiding serious spoilers.) I dug the music by Artie Kane who also scored Devil Dog, Hound of Hell (a film released on television in the same year.)

On the musically negative side we find the featured song, "Prisoner", by Barbara Streisand. It was a perfect choice of song topic for the film's audience (I wanted to be freed) but I truly can't stand that bitch. One of the producers was dating Streisand at the time and bought this script for her to star in, but she declined. Thank George for that. I could stomach Tommy Lee Jones getting busy with Faye Dunaway... but Streisand? Ugh.

The titular character, a career photographer, is cursed with seeing through the eyes of a serial killer in her nightmares. She turns a negative to a positive by using these images in her work which becomes both sensational and extremely lucrative, two adjectives that I doubt applied to the box office release of this movie. (Ok, so the film made money- but it was no Star Wars.) Her photographs are much in the same vein of those by Helmut Newton, which makes sense because many of the photos used in the movie were taken by Helmut Newton.

I slagged though this film curious to see a young Brad Dourif in his usual role as creepmeister and curious to see if the nude photographer plot device would pay off with some high grade nudity that the Eyes of a Dude could take in. (High quality, indeed, but too brief. You're much better off with Hostel.)


Brad being hot.
I had to keep my sights on the puerile aspects of the film because it wasn't doing too much to engage me as a thriller through its plot. A lot more tension could have been built by having the protagonist see herself though the eyes of the killer during a few scenes. It would have been more affecting- at least to this viewer- than multiple murder scenes composed similarly from a shot of an icepick approaching the victim's eye cut to a close-up of the eye surround by a few dabs of theatrical blood. Meh.

Two Georges for moderate levels of creep, decent production value, and a smattering of fashionista flick-tips on screen. Negative points awarded for inflicting Barbara Streisand during the credit sequences.

Habitat (1997)

I hesitate to post this here as this movie doesn’t entirely qualify for this site, but I felt compelled to, as I was led astray by the brief movie description that Netflix had for this “gem” from the 90’s. I also wanted to review this as Jeff had mentioned the dearth of horror movies from that decade in a conversation I had with him recently.

Netflix’s description of the film:
“With the Earth's ozone layer completely depleted, people must remain indoors, safe from the sun's deadly rays, in this sci-fi horror flick. Scientist Hank Symes (Tcheky Karyo), however, thinks he has a solution: a genetically altered ecosystem. But when Hank's bizarre experiment mutates both he and his family into otherworldly creatures and transforms his house into a living, breathing monster, no one is safe.”

The category that www.imdb.com has the film under is sci fi/fantasy, hmm.

Well it took waaaay to long to get to the horror elements of the movie. The movie starts as the main characters (the Symes family) are moving to a new home in a new town where scientist/hippie visionary dad can set up his new lab and hippie mom (Alice Krige) can support him and prance around in her see-through clothes.

Well, day one of moving in and dad’s new lab in the basement goes all cablooie and dad gets absorbed (literally!) into his work and becomes part of the ecosystem the house develops after the lab meltdown. The house goes all primeval forest-like. Everything is wet, and not in a good way. And dad is a swarm of bugs or something.

Well junior can’t seem to settle in, no thanks to the jerk-ass gym/boxing coach and his jerk-ass student protégés who fancy themselves the school bullies. Well they suck at it, as do just about all of the actors who aren’t the protagonist family in this movie. But he does have the hots for the coach’s daughter (Laura Harris, the snotty hottie in Dead Like Me and a lead in The Faculty), which pays off with a nice skinny dipping scene late in the movie.

So anyhew, the snooping jerk-ass locals start getting all tresspassy and affected/attacked by the dad-o-sphere jungle. Sure enough, the authorities get called in and attempt to capture/contain the problem. This does not go well. The few comparatively decent gory/horror scenes happen during this sequence. Mom gets absorbed by the house and becomes a magic swarm of flies like dad and they fly off together. Junior and coach’s daughter get immunified against the harsh effects of the ozone layer-free sun (thanks to dad-jungle) and run off to have adventures and shit, like Cain in Kung-Fu.

This Canadian production spent most of its budget on the house-jungle, which was actually semi decent. There were some CGI effects but they looked about 10 years out of date for the year in which it was made. A large portion of the movie was a crappy high-school drama. The storyline of the movie came off as a message/lesson type, but by the end of the movie, it trails off into nothing.

So on the down side you have a plethora of crappy writing, bad acting (and not so bad its good), painful CGI, and on the up side you have a pretty neat dad-jungle set and Laura Harris’ breasts.

2 Georges

Jeff's Sinister Six

Hey! It's My One Hundredth Post! What better way to celebrate than to respond to the call for an official Dudes of Horror "top ten" list? As one sixth of the crew I would only be able to vouch for about one and two-thirds films (or one-point-666) if we were to attempt some manner of official consensus. Screw that. I'm just listing mine and I'll let them list theirs. That's how we do things around here!

Furthermore, you're not getting ten out of me! Instead, I'll make the assumption that six is a nice number to settle on for the genre at hand. These are my Six Sinister Selections and I don't give a George's Ass if you don't deem them "classic" enough- I like 'em! Here they are:

Return of the Living Dead
Pumpkinhead
Evil Dead II
The Abandoned
Janghwa, Hongryeon (aka "A Tale of Two Sisters")
The Vampire Lovers

If I had to program an emergency horror fest from my private collection of DVDs that showcased what I feel are some of the best out there, these Sinister Six would be in the forefront of my mind. Have I weighed every horror film I have ever seen against one another and then consulted a complex subjective matrix of requisite qualities to determine the winners? No. Neither did I draft a panel of notable blogosphere "experts" to vote and subsequently arrive at a list that anyone with a passing interest in horror could have constructed on their own. I just made a list, man. These are films I dig and have repeatedly enjoyed watching.

Six films are a lot to sit through in one go, so if I had to squeeze my selections into one day's viewing then either "The Abandoned" or "Two Sisters" would have to sit it out. These two selections tread on some similar ground in their presentations and I don't think either one would be done justice if it had to follow the other.

Once upon a time I proposed a daily programming formula to Karl for our beloved Hopoto festivals. Each slot had a distinct place in the evening and attempted to complement the arc of events as a fine wine complements a fine cheeseburger. Or something to that effect... Anyhow, if I applied this time-tested programming methodology to my Six Sinister Selections, the main night would work something like this:



We'd start off before dark with a somewhat accessible film that anyone breezing through the viewing room might enjoy. Something fun, yet substantial. An appetizer, if you will. "Return of the Living Dead" is some of the most fun I have ever had in horror. It also works well as an introduction to the genre for any uninitiated who may be in attendance. With scares, laughs, boobs, gross outs, and a new take on an old tale, this film pretty much has it all covered.

Once the initiation had taken place, we'd move further into the dark haunted woods of horror. With the sun now set, the tone could now likewise transit from light to dark as horror fans supplant horror groupies and ready themselves for action. A solid film with atmosphere and story is required... but not necessarily something that demands your undivided attention. After all, you still have plenty of partying to do and the crowd could very well be noisy and over-jubilant. No need to be a Nazi... yet.



"Pumpkinhead" certainly takes more than a few steps into haunted woods. This oft-overlooked gem of a film is serious in tone and hefty on the creature effects, being a pet project of veteran creature-creator Stan Winston. Although it eventually (and briefly) sort of lapses into the tired eighties serial killer routine, the ride is creepy and fun to watch. This is absolutely one of my favorites if only for the atmosphere of the witch's shack and the pumpkin patch. To me, it screams Halloween. Light a bunch of candles and eat candy when you watch it.



The third film is meant for the hardcore. This is the showpiece- the bearer of high expectations by a discriminating audience of horrorphiles. No sissy films will be tolerated here, and the audience is asked to be attentive. Loud films- and especially those with quality sound presentations- belong in this slot. That being said, it's hard to find a better candidate than "Evil Dead II." Having the distinction of carrying the only Full George rating yet at The Dudes of Horror, it demands your full attention and won't disappoint!

The fourth film is in a unique position: it aims to please hardcore (and still awake) attendees who want more horror goodness but at the same time hopes to settle the senses somewhat as sleep approaches. As if those requirements weren't difficult enough, it additionally must face the reality that whichever viewers haven't already passed out yet are probably about to. A proper selection for this slot is one which is heavy on imagery over narrative. Such a film stands a better chance of conveying its content to those folks who find themselves consciousness impaired.



Out of my six selections, "The Abandoned" would fare the best here. Lulling you into a dreamlike state with its wonderful scoring and ghostly imagery this movie can deliver the horror goodies regardless of whether you are following its twisted storyline. In my opinion it was the best film exhibited during the original "8 Films to Die For" event and remains a solid contender in the much larger world of horror.

In the final programming slot, a quieter and more visually pleasing (read "lots of skin") film is placed for brief viewing in between tossing and turning sleepily on the couch. You don't want this selection to have the potential to scare the living shit out of you if you quickly wake up from a nightmare that was already scaring the living shit out of you. This is where the "Po" in "Hopoto" (aka the HOrror POrnaThOn) would generally find itself, but this is also where "The Vampire Lovers" finds itself in my programme of horror film favorites.



This Hammer Film is wonderful to wake up to and pleasantly conducive to falling right back asleep again. Although The Virgin Witch has much greater potential to deliver the bare necessities to sleepy-eyed patrons, "The Vampire Lovers" is by far the superior presentation. A large castle containing large... assets... and more period costumes than you can shake a stake at. Just the kind of thing you'd naturally encounter on late-night television in times of yore, without the edits and commercials.



Attentive readers will note that I haven't yet placed "A Tale of Two Sisters". Aha! This film properly belongs in the middle slot where it was effortlessly usurped by the Evil Dead. Its complex plot and masterful Dolby Digital EX soundtrack demand center stage and its subtitles certainly require an attentive audience. If the screenings of my six films could take place over two nights, it would be center stage during one of them. I would refrain from screening this film during the same session as "The Abandoned" because it also relies on atmosphere and runs nearly two hours long. The running time is well worth it, though. A lush production and deep plot matched with superior scenes of horror make it a feast for the true aficionado.

So there's my list and I can finally get some sleep. Perhaps I'll queue up that Hammer Film...

Devil Dog: Hound of Hell (1978)

Lost: Devil Dog, Hound of Hell

---

• 
  Last seen on TV in 1978


• 
  Father victimized by Martine Beswicke in a satanic cult ritual


• 
  Sold into the slavery of a wandering pedophile


• 
  Shot by Richard Crenna


• 
  Immolates housemaids


• 
  Causes drowning


• 
  Sets random fires


• 
  Mesmerizes homeowners to attempt self-mutilation


• 
  Corrupts families


• 
  Breeds insanity


• 
  Is possessed by the devil


• 
  Answers to name of "Lucky"

The Lifetime Channel's Horror Spotlight Presents: El Orfanato

This movie is the English Patient of horror films. Like a dramatic love story, you need to have a soft spot somewhere in your heart to enjoy the full impact of this film. So I fucking hated it. F. Epic Fail.

Alright, alright... so this isn't really a beer chugging, pizza and wild times with your friends feel-good zombie romp. It's a high production ghost story that relies heavily on a realistic sense of creep. Whereas the classic "Dead" films (the Dawn of the Deads, the Evil Deads) hit you over the head with gory images and lead you into a hyper-realistic world of special effects makeup, El Orfanato's few gory images take place within the context of the "real world" conjured up for the viewer by an adept production crew. When a horrible image is portrayed it's affecting not simply in a "ewww yuck!" or "wow, that was cool" way; rather, it's like waking up in the middle of the night to find a half-rotted animal twitching under your bed. It works.

I conjure up the sublime, unholy-yet-hallowed names of the Dead Movies for good reason: El Orfanato approaches this level of horror greatness. Yet, in the macabre zoo of horror film beasties you'll find this Guillermo del Toro offering to be a half-rotted animal indeed: its genetic makeup of half horror and half heartstring-pulling drama make taxonomical placement difficult. Ultimately, the film doesn't fully satisfy the requirements of either camp to be the shining star of any particular pigeon-holed genre... and this is good. It stands on its own- each foot firmly placed across categorical boundary lines- to affect its audience while telling a solid story. Simply put, it's a really good movie.

We are not, however, The Dudes of Drama. There are no laughs and no boobs; furthermore, finding myself at the closing credits feeling like a middle-aged woman who just sat through the fucking Bridges of Madison County means that something is quite amiss in Dudeville. Arriving at a rating somewhere between 3 and 4, I hired a team of Spanish mediums to contact the spirit of our dearly departed namesake, George. I took his ghostly squeaks of approval in my ears to indicate that extra fractions of George points could be awarded not only for the excellent and effective Dolby Digital 5.1 sound mix but also for the brief cameo of one of George's relatives in the scene where the cache of dolls is discovered.

The Orphanage rates a solid four Georges, but don't plan a party around it- you may be too bummed out afterward to eat the cake.

The Virgin Witch (1972)

There isn't too much I can say about this film that Edgar Wright hasn't already said about it (at length) here but I'll try.

First of all, this movie scores a George right out of the gate: quite literally in the very first frame of actual movie footage. Blam! Bewbs! A second George for laughs may as well be awarded in the next few seconds, as the opening credits are so humorously spattered with campy shocked expressions on nude actresses that you can't help but laugh. I'll admit that I was hooked from the start, and set about trying to organize a Dudes viewing as soon as I could. (Thank you, The Jesus, ever so much for bringing this film's existence to my attention!)

Secondly, it is worth noting that Edgar admittedly has a fondness for inflicting "bad" films like this one on groups of friends. As someone who has scared away too many of Maude's friends in the past for doing just the same, I'm not about to cast any stones in that direction; rather, I'd go so far to say that this is the only way to properly enjoy this film. Without a group of friends to laugh at the many unintentionally funny moments, you may find yourself somewhat ashamed to be spending 88 minutes alone with Ann Michelle's naked seventies boobs on your television screen. Or not. Depends on who you are, I suppose.

Edgar pointed out that many of the actors appearing nude should not have. It was just such a scene (the ritual in the final reel) that drove Maude out of the viewing room. As a matter of fact, I think it was this dude who did the trick:



On the other hand, if I had grown up (as I suppose Edgar did) watching Vicki Michelle in countless BBC reruns of 'Allo 'Allo then I'd be scouring the internet trying to get my hands on this film. For an American teenage boy today it would be akin to discovering that Keri Russell appeared fully naked for gratuitous amounts of screen time in a seedy "Rosemary's Baby" ripoff.

Although it has been pointed out elsewhere that the sisters portrayed in the film are, in fact, real-life sisters (Ann and Vicki Michelle) I haven't seen any mention of a rather taboo moment between them. As we all know from films like Satan's Blood, you can't have an occult ritual without rubbing down a naked female with some form of lubricant. To prepare her sister for initiation into the coven, Ann Michelle makes sure that Vicki gets her left breast adequately lubed up for the occasion. Perhaps if I were a gal I'd think nothing of rubbing tanning lotion all over my sister's breasts while vacationing at some European beach... but as a guy I can't help but think this movie moment was pretty damn pervy. Chalk it up to the perverse powers of Skull Butter, I suppose.



The Virgin Witch does indeed entertain, but the only scares came from seeing creepy grandpa up there in the buff. Although seeing this in 1972 was probably much more shocking to the average Joe than it is for a Dude of Horror in 2009, in a modern context it is just plain silly. Aside from the laughs and the flesh-fest there simply wasn't anything else present to boost my rating above 2.5 Georges. Karl, who watched this film with me from a remote location in our beta testing of "Remoto", arrived at this same rating. Watch it with your friends, but follow it up with something truly frightening.