Blizzard horror

Snowed in! Nothing better to do than watch horror movies , but none were on during the day so I had to make due with 't3h hawt sexx0r' ( as the kids say ) with Bunny. Unfortunately for you , dear reader there is no video of that , fortunately there are two horror movies in my Tivo's to do list!

The first being a delightful zombie romp from the land down under , that's right undead Vegemite sandwiches ! It's like 'Attack of the killer tomatoes' but with funny accents and potted meat. Something deep within my soul draws me to a Aussie zombie flick , titled oh so creatively 'Undead' . Required reading before the movie can be found here.

After that is a movie damn near ga-run-teed to piss me off, BloodRayne. Come on, this HAS to suck vampire cock , it was 'inspired' by a video game and we damn well know nothing good can come of that! Will it be worse than Manos: The Hands of Fate? Well known as THE worst movie of all time and conversely one of the BEST MST3K episodes ever. Why would I subject myself to this dreck dear reader? Well, obviously I'm a movie masochist , or maybe I like to get hammered and watch bad movies only to post incoherent ramblings on 't3h intablag' . Whatever , fuck you.

Check back this weekend boys and girls, or don't.

-Walt

Last House on the Left

Jeff – drool is okay, its other viscous fluids I worry about. It’s a long [ahem] review [story, epic tome, whatever] so it’ll feel like you were there.

Last House on the Left

First: The last horror movie I saw with Jeff was, I Spit On Your Grave [repeat in deep booming voice ad infinitum], so I thought it apt that I watch another 70s classic for my first review, Wes Craven’s the Last House on the Left. Second – when I was a kid, I was scared stupid to watch this movie (the house I grew up in was, you guessed it, the Last House on the Left… for similar reasons, I have never seen any of the Friday the 13^th movies – Crystal Lake was just down the road). Anyway, I must ask myself, just what the hell was I afraid of?

Wes gives us the story of Mari, Phyllis, Krug, Weasel, Sadie, Junior & Mari’s parents whom we shall call “Daddy Tard Chops” (or DTC[1] for short) and Mama Bites A Lot (MBA). I’m not sure if you could call this foreboding, but practically the first scene DTC comments on the fact that Mari is isn’t wearing bra and she starts to feel herself up. Right there, you know the night isn’t going to end well. I’m not going to pretend to understand the symbolism of cutting between pictures of a kitten on the bed (who looked remarkably like my cat), the babbling brook, the ducks in the pond and then back to the scene, but clearly that’s how Wes rolls.

General Observations / Requisite Horror Clichés

• On the way out of town – Krug & Sadie engage in some spectacularly unimpressive vehicular sex.
• Our trusty law enforcement officers[2] make the Keystone Cops looks like MacArthur Fellowship winners.
• Call me crazy, but would you really want a girl you’re planning on raping, covered in & smelling of pee?
• DTC later in the film channels his inner Leatherface and decides to do a little chain sawing (honestly, I kept waiting for him to swing the chainsaw around and start hollering).
• Krug earns his father of the year badge and convinces Junior to shoot himself in the head.
• MBA lures Weasel outside for some fun, drops to her knees and earns her nickname. (ouch.)
  

Sentences I can’t believe Wes Craven wrote:

1. Sadie – “I ain’t putting out no more till we get a couple more chicks.”
2. Krug – “Now piss your pants.” [that one’s for you my Canasian friend.]
3. Ada (she had maybe a total of 30 words in the entire movie) – “That’s 11 chicken coops, and I ain’t leavin my chickens on the side of the road to give you a ride[3].”
   

HoPoTo Requisites

There wasn’t a whole of breast flashes, however, you do get a little girl on girl action (yeah, she cried through the whole thing, but still).

I promise they’ll (the reviews) get better (you should have seen my first draft). Thanks for letting me play!

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[1] Later in the film DTC lays out some rather magnificent traps, further revealing where John Hughes got his ideas for Home Alone.

[2] Our trust Deputy is played by Martin Kove, whom you will recognize as Cobra Kai Sensei John Kreese (no mercy).

[3] Okay, so they aren’t really that funny, but having them uttered right after our crack law enforcement officers fell off the top of the truck cab, required that it be included.

Introduction and Update

Whassup, horror fans!?!

It's been a while since my last post (sorry about that, man) and this one comes with no photos or reviews (sorry about that, too. um. man...) Rest assured that I have plenty of posts just waiting to happen, along with plenty of photos remaining from our big excursion out to Colorado. Many of these photos require editing, and our resident photo editing wizard *cough* ...Karl... *cough* is currently indisposed. We are still indebted to him for his wonderful work during the film festival! And he owes me a punch in the nuts for (unsuccessfully) bugging the living shit out of him to fly out with us. Sorry, man. And thanks.

But here's some GOOD NEWS: I have the honor of welcoming aboard the latest member of the Dudes of Horror review staff: The Jesus, Dudess of Horror.

The Jesus is a long-time fan of film and will no doubt have many interesting things to say about the films she reviews. Many, many, many films have been watched by members of the review team in the The Jesus' very welcoming abode. As you read her reviews, hopefully it'll feel like you're right there with us in the living room. Feel free to sleep over, too... but don't drool on the furniture, man. It ties the room together.

Keep checking back with us for reviews! Two great ones this week from Walter and Maude. Thanks, dudes.

I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)

Well, apparently it wasn't learn to swim. Of course not. I mean, why ruin the grand climactic scene of your so-so slasher flick by having the heroine escape Ivar the fisherman by just, um, jumping off the boat and swimming for the dock, which was all of ten feet away? You're trying to tell me that they could hit this guy with their car and push him into the water and he survives, yet she can't leave the boat for fear of instant death or something?

Also, I read "I know What You Did Last Summer" by Lois Duncan when I was in grade school. I thought it was tres sinister, read a few other of her books as well - "Stranger With My Face" and "Summer of Fear" (Which I believe was turned into a made-for-TV movie with Linda Blair). The movie is a complete bastardization of the book, that is if the bastard in question was a Hollywood executive with a brother who writes shitty screen treatments.

I gotta keep handing it to my girlfriend Sarah, though. She's a great modern day Scream Queen. And so succulent in her little denim miniskirts. I specifically say "succulent" because hey, I forgot that she used to be heavier. Don't get me wrong, she was hot then and she's hot now. But before actresses seriously got into the Lollipop Look (big head, stick body), she was kind of....um...fleshy? It's a shame, because she had some great boobs, and she dieted them away.

Out of curiosity, I Amazoned the book (mainly to check the copyright, since grade school was soooooooo long ago) and now I have a question. Are teachers now assigning Amazon reviews for book report projects? Witness the following kids' reviews:

What I thought of iIknow what you did last summer is it totally rocked and it was the best book I have ever read! I totally recommend this book for you!!! This book made me want to read more! I wish I had time to read everyone of her books.If you ever get the chance to read or whatch the movie do so! It leaves you wanting to know whats up next there is never a dull moment in the book, she explains everything so wonderful!That was my review!

Well, alright then!!!!

julie got up wonmarring and it wasover the summer and she had 1 letter by her bowl on he tabe it was a small white letter and in dark black letters it said her name juile. she opened it up and on the endside in said I Now what You Did last summer.See the summer befour that her and 3 othe friend of hers had been driving home and it was dark they didnt see the man walking in the middle of the road and they hit hem. They didnt know what to do so they tried to cover it up and they all said that they wouldnt tel anyone ever no matter what. Well the secret was out some how because someone know and was wanting reving. They looked for clues and tried to come up with an idea on who could know. All they found was that it was getting wors and in the end the only ones left alive was Julie and Berry you will have to read the store and find out what happens next but it is a really good book and you should read it.

Man, that just hurts my head. What's worse it that this kid probably texted in the review on his/her Sidekick.

this was a very good book it tells about and groop of friends going for a ride after a forth of july party on there way back from the beach they hit some guy loaded him in trunk of the car brought him to the docks and rolled him in the water then they made a packed and swore not to tell anyone what happen a year later one of them got a message saying that i know what you did last summer i recommend this book to every one is a good book all a round

Okay, in the original story, the "groop" hits a ten year old boy on a bicycle. So, good try there, Cliff Notes Kid. Next time you try to cheap out on your homework by watching a movie, make a "packed" to find out if the story is the same.

The book is not very good because the book no have pictures and no have killing,the movie is very good because have a pictures and in the movie have more pictures.

OMG! I had no idea that President Bush wrote Amazon reviews!