This movie sucked.
If I relied solely upon my own scale, this thing would get a -0.5. At the very best a zero. Here's a short list of what's wrong with this film:
- It's not scary. If you were between the ages of nine and ten and snuck a viewing of this on HBO- then maybe.
- Twelve minutes in and credits are still popping up on the screen.
- Needlessly long scenes try to draw us into the environment and characters, which really pays off when we realize those opening credits have literally inserted themselves into the heads of the characters such that when they try to reason all their minds can come up with is "Carpenter... Carpenter... Carpenter..."
- The most interesting aspect of the film (the curse) is never explained, and the carnage (if you can call it that) wrought by it is no where near memorable enough to justify the lame ass ending.
- Adrienne Barbeau and Jamie Lee Curtis in the same movie in the eighties and neither one takes their top off? Are you fucking kidding me? How about that busty mayor's assistant? She's a no-name actress. Surely she's taking it off. No!?!? How about some topless fog, John? Can I get that? Fuck!
Were Rob Bottin's special effects good? Of course they were. And the cinematography in general was just grand. I realized this when a succession of about 20 perfectly composed shots of Antonio Bay were thrown at me to drive that home. And the acting was passable. Fine. But I don't care how you slice and dice it. It sucked.
You can't tell me you watched this film and wanted to grab your friends so they could see it. You can't tell me it "got into your head" or that you spontaneously vomited sharks the next time fog rolled into your town. I really don't give a rat's ass what you say... no wait... I DO give a rat's ass. A mouse's anyhow. I'm giving John Carpenter's "The Fog" a big fat George's Ass.
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John Carpenter at his best is more about atmosphere than obvious "boo" in my opinion. I'm not a slasher fan, so that ruins Halloween for me. But don't forget he also did The Thing, Cigarrette Burns in Masters of Horror, and such non-horror classics as Assault on Precinct 13 and (if you dig this sort of thing) Escape From New York. He also composed the score. Not that it was awesome or anything, it's just something I kind of appreciated when I read that. And he performed on the soundtrack for - wait for it - Grindhouse!
It's worth noting that in his IMDB profile, the mini-biography mentioned that he is known for avoiding gore in his movies. I can't think of examples or exceptions, because I have seen so few of his movies. It goes on to say that in an 1982 interview, he said he thought the R rating for Halloween was justified but that The Fog should have been rated PG. Interesting, no?
Cigarette Burns was certainly gory though!
God, I loved Escape From New York. When I was just baby jesus, I wanted Snake Plissken to do naughty things to me. I love this movie so much I saw Escape From L.A., in the theater, on opening weekend.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention - if you think this version of The Fog sucked, you REALLY don't want to see the remake.
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