Hour 6.5

Well, not technically 6.5 hours of full on HoPoTo action, but 6.5 hours since we arrived at the secret lair of Horror Dude Jeff - our fearless and often pantless leader. Dear readers, please be sure to check out the comments, where the other "dudes" (i.e., Jeff & Karl) shall be posting from there (unless, of course, they figure out that they can sign in on their own.

Thus far, it's been more "Po" than "Ho," and most of the Po hasn't had any subtitles. You decided dear readers, is porn better when you can make your own dialogue or with the cheesy dialogue written for them. [Side note - dear god, are porn writers part of the WGA, if so, sweet christ, we can't let the strike go on forever.]

So, anyway there we were watching some sort of German schoolgirl flick - schulmadchaen report 1 (or so Jeff tells me) lots of quick cuts to the ladies, but only quick cuts to the, uh, action.

Up now - "Cheeky," by Tinto Brass - I'll let you know how it goes. BTW - Cheeky was supplanted by some other Brass masterpiece

Live Blogging HoPoTo 2007

For those not in the know (like we have any readers who aren't affiliated...) "HoPoTo" is an encore to Sarlaac minus the video & arcade games. The basic premise is to find the worst horror movies you can find, preferably ones with the most nudity. Quality doesn't matter, it's all about content baby.

The first rule of HoPoTo is you must drink during HoPoTo
The second rule of HoPoTo is that you must drink during HoPoTo
The third rule of HoPoTo is that it is a minimum of two days - weekends are best - school day HoPoto's can cause severe rectal bleeding

So, on to the fun. Here's hoping motor functions will hold out for the duration of the weekend.

10:02 PM

Movie watched thus far - Frankenhooker

Currently watching - some Swedish thing where this chick took off her gear in the first scene

Best Karl phrase so far: It smells like a bunch of shrimps had a fart fight

Don’t make me get the bear repellant.

How craptastic was 30 Days of Night, see title. I very much enjoyed it for the inherent cheese that it possessed. Clearly no one in Barrow, Alaska has ever seen a horror movie or watched Buffy. Granted, these vamps weren’t your run-of-the-mill vamps, these guys were in need of a manicure and had a penchant for kool-aid mouth. However, I refuse to suspend my belief that they didn’t know the bad-guys were vampires.

As the lead vamp said they should have come here years ago, the town doesn’t see sun for 30 days and if vampires had Realtors, I’d bet they would all move to that section of Alaska. Their assault was aided by a “guy” who I guess wanted to be made into a vampire he failed them, I suppose because some of the town resisted? Who knows, they killed him and that was that. Also, I will say that their occupation of Barrow, was a bit shall we say, lacking in finesse. If it were me, I’d round up the townspeople and hold them for later meals. What’s the sense of eating everyone the first day; you’ve got 29 more days to go.

Some ingenious ways to kill the bad guys were deployed. How many whacks does it take to decapitate a vampire – between 2 & 4. Bear traps and bear repellent and a tractor implement.
All in all I’d give it 3 George’s, although no nudity for the boys, and a really sad beard on Josh Hartnett. Hmm, perhaps I should rethink the rating.

I'S WANTIN UR FEEDZ LOL

Hey! Can we set up an RSS feed for this thang?

Musings - The Hamiltons & Unrest

Since they’ve both already been reviewed at least twice (permaybehaps more), I’m just going to offer some thoughts on the flicks.

The Hamiltons – I was surprised at how much I liked it. You weren’t really sure if they were vampires or cannibals till almost the end. I agree with Maude that Francis really needed a good smack upside the head, but then I suppose I felt sorry for the kid – his big brother is closeted and his twin brother & sister are sleeping together, I’d want to get the hell out too!

The Jesus watched this with her mother who had this gem to offer: “huh, you know, I’m disappointed in Lenny. All that build up and he’s just a kid. I was hoping for something else entirely.”

I’d watch it again – 3 Georges

Unrest – Again, I have to agree with Maude. I really didn’t like this flick. Thank Christ it was free, or else I’d have been pissed off. Here’s the thing about the movie – we’ve seen it before. It was a terrible rip-off of about ¾ of the Japanese horror flicks that are out there. Yeah, it was an [Spoiler] Aztec ghost, as opposed to a Japanese ghost, but it’s been done to death, enough already. To make matters even worse – commercials in the middle of it featuring Miss HorrorFest – blech. The only reason I’d watch it again is to give it the MST3K treatment.

Sorry Jeff.

Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

This movie is so bad that it is awful. Looooow budget, bad acting, mind numbingly bad dialogue, lighting so bad that you can’t tell who is saying what or what the hell they are doing in some scenes, and a cheesy early 80’s video aesthetic sprinkled throughout the film all congeal to form the perfect storm of atrociousness. It is a hard movie to sit through, but it may be worth your time if these three words appeal to you: Midget Nazi Zombies.

The story centers around a traveling band that seems to be the American retard hydrocephalic cousin of the band Europe. Whoo! they stink on ice. They are traveling to a gig in some hick podunk town called Grand Guignol (ha, ha). (That name is a reference to a style in which many of the early 70s Italian horror/slasher films were done.) There are a few musical numbers in this movie, and I use the term ‘musical’ very loosely. During one of these numbers, the townsfolk of Grand Guignol decide they have had it with rock and roll (and if what they are playing is rock and roll, then I’ve had it, too!), so they ban all r’n’r music in all forms, which ends in cancelling the concert and smashing all rock and roll records they can get their intolerant hands on.

Meanwhile, a skeevy troupe of weirdos is busy roaming around killing people for no discernible reason. In this group is a man and woman in their 20s or 30s. The guy never really does too much, but the woman enjoys leading men to their doom by acting as a seductress and then stabbing them quite a lot, often removing a hand in the process. She also likes dancing in the middle of the road, which this movie highlights by cutting to this randomly. Also in this group is a pair of midgets. One human midget and one ghoul(?) midget. There is also a sometimes wheelchair-bound lady who turns into a werewolf and back quite a lot and also in random fashion. As a werewolf, she seems to rely on a pair of switchblades to get things done. I guess that is why she is in the wheelchair. The leader of this merry stabbing passel of reprobates? Why, Hitler, of course.

Now back to the good guys. The leader of the band comes up with some bass riff that brings back the dead and makes a demo tape of it. He falls in love with the town virgin and gives her the tape with the instructions to play the tape if anything ever happens to him. Lo and behold, Hitler and his pals kill the whole band. She plays the tape and they come back from the grave, with their awesomely feathered hairdon’ts intact. I think the tape causes others to come back as zombies who start attacking everyone, thus creating more zombies. The zombified band make several trips to and from the grave and on one of the trips they play a rehearsal gig or maybe it was a real gig where only one person showed up, a talent agent. The agent loves the zombie band’s performance, then he is promptly turned into a zombie by a roving ghoul. That’s showbiz!

I don’t remember (or care) how it ends, its fairly confusing throughout the film but particularly so at the end. There are some unintentionally funny lines in the movie but they are hidden amongst the reams of unintentionally horrible dialogue. This might be a good movie to watch with a group of people whilst drinking, a lot. It would greatly benefit from some MST3K action.
Anyhoo, low marks for just about everything, even skin. 1 and a half scenes (ass from a distance) is just not enough to make this movie bearable (bareable?). I will give this movie one George, for the one thing I haven’t seen before in cinema: Midget Nazi Zombies!

Me: Slacker

I've basically felt like a total horror slacker (heck, I even missed horrorfind weekend - I thought it was this weekend coming up). I thought I would post a recent Entertainment Weekly column about Karl's seemingly favorite movie type - the giallo - enjoy.

Permaybehaps I'll watch a movie or two worth writing about while I'm in the desert.