Fun & Games

Since I'm stuck in Arizona (and not raising him), and I forgot to post these last week when I found them, I present to you the following Entertainment Weekly columns. This way you can exercise your brains instead of annoying Karl's wife.

The top 20 (according to them) horror movies of the last 20 years. I will say that I don't agree with all of them.

And an interactive quiz - admittedly, I didn't do so well. I won't post my score - I don't want Jeff to revoke my "Dudes" decoder ring.

Vampire Junction (2001)

From the onset, there is absolutely no doubt that the budget of this film is in an altitude limbo contest with the instincts of the director: which will sink lower? The tug of war between these two contestants painfully drags across the surreal cinematic landscape of this bizarre opus for seemingly four and a half hours. It's up for the viewer to decide who wins, and I'm here to tell ya that you should prepare for a photo finish.

In actuality, this film clocks in with a running time of 1:35 but since most of the scenes are presented at one third the normal speed you risk burning in your television screen with images of Eurpoean ass pimples. As the war between the questions of "what is the minimum effort we can get away with paying for this shot?" wages between "what can my strange, aged libido rationalize asking these young actresses to do?" there is another competition afoot. Which out of shape and unappealing actress will chalk up the most utterly (read udderly) unasked for nude scenes on film: Kathy Bates or Lina Romay? Who fucking cares? But Lina has definitely upped the ante here.

When all is said and done this film doesn't truly deserve much attention. I want to pan this thing into a stinking George pile, but there is a conflict raging within me, too. My horror senses weren't left entirely untingled while watching the intentional and unintentional perversities in this film exchange... err... licks. Vampire Junction is like Ed Wood directing a softcore porn flick while praying through time to David Lynch for inspiration. For this- and for the horrifying juxtaposition of gorgeous and gross specimens of femininity blearily basking in their own dreamy decadence for the benefit of Billy the Kidd in a store bought Bela Lugosi-era Dracula cape- I give this film a Silver(?) Treehorn and an arguably deserving two Georges... one for each side of the many conflicts battling against one another in this grand cinematic hypocrisy. Perhaps in ten years we can make the call whether or not Jess Franco's classic films won out over his later shames to prevent his total loss of genre credibility.

Vampire Junction (2001)

This movie is proof that a Golden Treehorn (100% of the females get nekkid) award is not indicative of quality. This vampire flick has something to do with a journalist in a wild west town in New Mexico and there are a pair of lesbian vampires and a cowboy vampire. Other than that, I can't tell what the fuck the story was. The movie consisted of a horrid music score of jagged synth, freeform jazz, and bizarre symphonic spurts; early 80's style music video editing and effects; and almost continuous softcore sex between 2-3 women. I must say, of all the movies I have seen with a female 3-way, this is the one that least held my interest. Jess Franco is still horny, but clearly he has gone senile.

1 George (for the attractive female vampire) and a reluctant Golden Treehorn

One Eyed Monster (2008)

Karl did me a solid and provided a guided "fast forward" presentation of this film. The "Karl's Notes" version, as it were. So I haven't seen every second of footage, but I trust my fellow Dude that nothing crucial was omitted during his tour. Too long to be a comment (which is where I began posting this) but too reliant on a previous Dude's effort to stand on it's own, I present my "Fast Track Addendum" to One Eyed Monster.

I have to say it's a damn shame the decision was made to seek an R-rating for this flick. I agree with Karl that Troma could have handled this film better with respect to nudity and gore, but Troma has never approached this level of quality in any of their productions. The writing was well done and acted out a hell of a lot better than you typically find in films with premises this absurd. Even the score was good. Sure, it's chock full of Aliens parallels but in a movie centered around Ron Jeremy's killer cock on the loose these stolen scenes come off (ha ha) as more of a homage than a rip-off.

This film is a comedy at heart which mixes fact and fiction to construct a soapbox for real-life porn stars to wax poetic over their golden years from. I have to admit that I thought it was intriguing and it elicited more than a few laughs out loud. But so did Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind... doesn't mean ol' George wants anything to do with it here.

What this film needed was a lack of restraint. An injection of Troma's inhibition into this production could have created a non-rated masterpiece. This monster needed a some hot gory blood pumping into it's flaccid member. It needed full frontal nudity and scenes of graphic- not implied- penetration. A script with aged porn star characters bemoaning their faded glory status and yearning to recapture the thrill and sensationalism of their youth was well served by real-life ex-porn star actors in the very same predicament. Tragically, what made the One Eyed Monster limp was the failure of these actors to rise to the challenge of going balls-and-all in a horror movie context.

Flaccid Treehorn, indeed.

Desert of Blood (2008)

Soo.....meh
That pretty much sums up my overall impression of this dusty pile of mess.
A poorly written/acted/directed slowly paced vampire film that takes place in Mexico involving star crossed lovers, one of them being a vampire that was buried by the town priest years before.

It starts promisingly with some topless sunbathing, but quickly devolves into a plodding amateurish mess. And not a fun mess, not unintentionally hilarious, and it had almost zero 'hidden gem' quotable lines. And you are going to make a crappy horror movie, at least show us some skin. And it does at first, but then it teases throughout the rest of the film, showing us plenty of attractive women yet missing every opportunity to show us more of them.

1 George and a Blue Treehorn (for all the wasted flesh potential)

Desert of Blood (2008)

There's a reason why you see a great pair of teeth... err... teats in the opening minutes of this film: once you're done gawking at Annika Svedman's pear-like plushies, there is absolutely nothing left to sit through this film for. Sadly, that includes Jackie Freed's topless scene where it is painfully obvious that her buxom bosoms were delivered as naturally as the strained acting of her cast mates. An apt title for a film that leaves your palette dry and you loins yearning for even a fleeting glimpse of Tori White's Tecate Treasures. The latter lack of bare breastage earns "Desert of Blood" a Blue Treehorn in my book. Don't waste your time.

Drunken Weekend Review Challenge

This weekend, Karl and I will be working together to both view and review some films for the ol' site here. We may even get around to 'shopping up some images of our new Treehorn awards.

I have issued the challenge to both of us to quickly review the films right from the couch as the credits roll. We may sacrifice some quality for quantity here, but hell... the site's been pretty slow recently.

Oh and we're drinking, too. Did I really need to clarify that? So don't expect expertly crafted metaphors or AFI quality critiques. The next few days will probably see the site populated with Mr. Skin-esque assessments. C'est la vie.