Calvaire (The Ordeal) 2004

Calvaire is a refreshing survival horror flick from the horror capital of the world, BELGIUM. OK, so maybe Belgium is a country better known for its beer. And maybe refreshing applies more aptly to the beer, but even with its obvious influences and odes, this movie takes a less traveled path.

Speaking of less traveled paths, that is where the protagonist’s van breaks down in the middle of the woods in rural Belgium. Marc is a solo singer/performer taking his show to various hot spots of entertainment around the country, starting with what looks to be a retirement home, where he is hit on by the nursing staff and the residents. He finishes the gig and gets on the road to make it to some Christmas Gala. Van breaks down and he finds some rustic inn nearby and is taken in by its kindly wizened proprietor, Bartel. Over dinner we learn that Bartel used to be a comedian and his wife (who left him) was a singer, like Marc. Well, after Marc spends the night after Bartel offers to fix the van, things start to get weird. Bartel decides that Marc is his wife that has returned to him, so he knocks him out with a car battery and puts him in a dress and, um “styles” his hair.

The local villagers are no better mentally, as they see Marc as Bartel’s returned wife as well. At least the leader of the villagers, played by Philipe Nahon (the disturbing lead in “I Stand Alone”) sees Marc as Bartel’s ex-wife, who he apparently had a thing for when she was around. So in addition to Bartel’s twisted captivity, the locals come after him as well, which leads to a lovely romp through the countryside.

Calvaire is a first effort from director Fabrice Du Weiz and he avoids a lot of the cliché horror movie fallbacks. There are no stab cues in the music, the ending is very non-standard, and although I am a fan of excess gore, I don’t think this would have benefited this movie. It would have hurt the impact of the creepy and disturbing parts (like the dancing scene at the local watering hole, or Marc’s visit to the ‘petting’ farm). The downside of avoiding horror clichés is the lack of nudity, although he does manage to shoehorn in a teeny bit via a stack of Polaroids from the nursing staff to Marc, as part of his “payment”. Definitely worth a watch.

3 Georges

El Orfanato (The Orphanage) (2007)

Why is it that all ghost stories all occur in creepy old HUGE houses? Why is it (except for that one episode of Angel) that they never happen in apartments? Is it something in the fundamental nature of creepy huge houses. I mean I live in huge old house that's divided up into apartments, but no ghosts (considering we think it used to be a brothel back in the day, one would think there'd be a ghost or two of a whore wandering about, but no... the guy in the basement thought he heard a ghost once, but it turned out to be my cat). What was I talking about, oh yeah, creepy old houses & ghosts, so yeah, did you see The Others? If so, you may as well have seen El Orfanato. This is not to say I didn't like the movie, quite the opposite in fact, I very much enjoyed the flick. It relied upon the score to create that essential atmosphere of creepy. If I could have been fortunate enough to see it with surround sound, I'd probably be scared out of my wits - especially the psychic scene (I kept waiting for the psychic from Poltergeist to show up). It had a better story and was beautifully shot, however, once the old woman is identified, you know where the story is going. Albeit except for the twist at the end (spoiler - it's kind of an M. Night twist)

That said, I sincerely believe the little kid who played Simón could pull off Damien in a heartbeat.
Not to mention his little invisible friend who thinks he's the Scarecrow from Batmang - that kid gave me the willies.

All in all an enjoyable flick, very worthwhile. It was apropos that I happened to watch it during a thunderstorm, which made the atmosphere even better. If I had an ounce of foresight, I could have watched it via candlelight.

Oh yeah, sorry boys, no nudity.

Still,

4 Georges.

Sheitan (2006)

The French have taken a traditional horror story arc and added their own style and flavor, resulting in a pleasing vichyssoise called Sheitan.

A bunch of 20 somethings mix it up in the club/disco scene in the big city (they call them discos in Europe, yet they feature no disco music OR bellbottoms, what gives?) and meet a hottie who invites them all to her rustic country manse to continue the party and enjoy the Christmas Holiday. They all pile into a car and make the trek to BFF (like BFE, but in France) where they encounter Vincent Cassel along the road when they have to stop the car due to a goat roadblock. Vincent plays a creepy crusty bumpkin really well.

The kids make it to the expansive house where they get a partial tour that includes a room of doll parts, from the hottie’s father’s former doll making business we are told. Vincent is called the housekeeper/groundskeeper of this abode, but I think he owns the joint, and he has a wife that is kept tucked away (for good reason, it turns out) for most of the movie.
Over dinner Vincent relates a little story about incest, a deal with the devil, and a special ‘gift’. By the end of the movie we learn that the story is about Vincent and is the reason the kiddies were brought out to the farm. Violence and mayhem ensue, and the movie ends with a most disturbing Christmas Family Portrait.

This movie had a pretty good balance of everything that makes a great horror movie: a few laughs, nudity, clever camera shots, oddball characters, and mounting tension/unease culminating in disturbing violence. The soundtrack, particularly the music in and around the front half of the movie included some great techno/fusion/trance (whatever the hell the kids call it these days). There were a number of really clever camera shots throughout the movie, including a subtle shift in camera focus, moving ones eye from the 3-way happening in the foreground to Vincent Cassel leering into the room from outside the house whilst hanging from a ledge.

The movie is packed to the gills with hell/underworld/biblical temptation and punishment imagery and symbolism. Some is a bit heavy handed, but it’s great fun to shout them out when you see them. (Eve offering people apples, dude getting frightened by a snake and Vincent chastising him and taking care of the snake, Club Styxx, a very satanic looking goat, and there’s even a plague of locusts in someone’s bed!)

The fact that Sheitan is this director’s (Kim Chapiron) first feature-length movie makes it even better. I can’t wait to see what he does next.
So to all those responsible for this bit of celluloid, I say this: “Mercy Buckets, mes amis!”
4 Georges

Sheitan (2006)

So every year the Big American Picture Companies put out their annual quota of horror films (about one) targeted at the current generation of teenage moviegoers. Scream. I Know What You Did Last Summer. Etc, etc, ad nauseum. They're the perfect movie to go see with cute Susie Jones or hot Bobby Smith because Susie gets an excuse to scream and Bobby gets an excuse to put his arm around her. The movie can be as shitty as it wants to be because until the day when there aren't any teenagers and/or movie theaters there will always be a market for one-and-a-half hours in a dark room with excuses for teenage courtship.

But if you're like me, the question burning in your mind right now is: what are these movies like in France? (Ooo la la!)

Yeah... it wasn't exactly burning so hot in my mind, either. But I'm here to tell you that if "Sheitan" is any indication then perhaps the French cousins of our American teen horror films are a notch or two above the usual fare.

What you get:

• Some creepy scenes and at least one that's downright gross


• A hot female lead who gets delightfully naked


• Ample laughs

Which essentially translates to: scares, sex, and fun: the essential ingredients of any good horror film.

But Evil Dead II this is not.

The plot is another variation of "kids stumble into a house of evil" and in this case is of the big mansion variety (ala Satan's Blood). Nothing new there. The film also has its share of minor cliches and plot holes.

What makes it watchable is that all of the elements are presented with technical merit: there's some great editing (the sunset sequence), clear and colorful processing (emphasizing natural colors rather than using oppressive color filters), and good acting: Cassel is brilliantly creepy. I even liked the soundtrack.

The Tartan DVD release is presented in 5.1 DTS Surround along with the standard Dolby Digital 5.1 and 2.0 audio tracks, per their usual (very welcome) standard. It's nice to see Tartan bringing us a film from a non-Asian country! How many more times do we need to witness a horror scene end with a punctuated cut of a pale-faced kid in a long black wig?

Although the film's dialog is in French, English subtitles are available and are done rather well.

This sure isn't a classic but I'm guessing it will beat the hell out of Saw XIV.

4 Georges.

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

The simplified moral I came away with from this bit of celluloid is ‘Americans can be real jerkwads’. I know what you are thinking, that really isn’t something that the world doesn’t already know. Well maybe the world was a bit hazy on the point back in 1980.

It’s a movie about an anthropologist who goes off into the deep green jungle to find out the fate of a team of documentarians. The anthropologist finds the remains of the team, along with all the footage they shot. The footage is reviewed and it turns out the documentarians are a bunch of real jerkwads: killing the local fauna, killing members of the various tribes they encounter by gun and mass immolation, the occasional rape of some local lucky lady; you know, general dickholery. The natives eventually kill all members of the group one by one, most of it caught on film.

Most of the deaths of the humans seemed realistic, apt for the “real documentary footage” feel of the film within the film, but the error the director made was having the footage be all nice and spliced together. There were two cameras in the documentary crew and the footage the anthropologist recovered from the jungle was seemingly already through the editing room, rather than separate reels from the separate cameras.

The big negative that just completely distracted me for the length of the film was the killing of animals that happened throughout the “recovered” footage. 7 different species are killed on film, purely for the sake of the film. For a shitty cannibal movie like this, the director was seemingly scrambling for anything to gain some sort of notoriety. This kind of bullshit stunt erases any positives his movie may have accrued. I guess Italians can be real jerkwads, too.

0 Georges





Sidenote: There was a bigass billboard ad for J&B whiskey in the movie, staple of Italian horror of the 70s.

À l'intérieur (2007)

Dang, a dearth of posts, now a plethora... that's how the Dudes roll.

À l'intérieur

Well, goddamn, those French sure are a stabby bunch of people. If ever there was a reason not to contract sperm poisoning, this movie is it.

Highlights include some of the most creative arterial I’ve seen in a while spray (In fact, I laughed so loud at one scene, the people walking by stopped and looked in the window and backed away slowly*), a number of cringe worthy stabbing scenes (Boys take note – look away after La Femme stabs the guy in the knee – trust me its for your own good.), a cesarean section and tracheotomy that I’m sure the AMA would frown upon, and the clever application of what I can only imagine is oven cleaner. Not to mention the creepiest final frame I’ve witnessed in ages.

À l'intérieur runs about 83 minutes (9 of which are the credits, and speaking of credits, the opening ones are worth watching just to figure out what it’s supposed to be, and the music, which reminded me A LOT of Irreversible.), uses at least 780 gallons of fake blood, kills all but three of the cast members, and features about 15 different kinds of stabbing with various implements. Actually, everybody sort of gets into a stabby frame of mind, if they’re not being stabbed, they are stabbing something.

Beatrice Dalle gives new meaning to the term “scissor sister.” In fact, I wonder if the band didn’t come up with the name after watching this movie. She’ll use a gun, but watch out, if she has her scissors, you best be runnin’.

So, would the “Dudes” like it, well it’s hard to say, no one gets their kit off, as mentioned above there’s an ouchie scene for the boys, however, it’s everything Haute Tension and Hostel could have been but wasn’t. 4 George’s just for the copious amounts of gore.

Sorry kids, I’m out of practice, I’m sure the posts will get better...

*Why yes, I do use humor as a defense mechanism, why do you ask?

A Big Fucking Rat!

I have a sinking feeling that this post's title might aptly describe the 2007 After Dark Selections quite well. With good ol' Karl at my side, I took in three of the selections now that they have been released on DVD.

They largely sucked.

Why does the local bar stock a frying pan on Mulberry Street? If the answer is "to be prepared in the event that rat people unexpectedly attack our patrons" then how about stocking some cheese-scented guillotines or even a handy shotgun?

Why was the sound editor allowed to make the decision that rock songs and ominous you're-about-to-be-scared score selections should eclipse the impact of the actual scares being attempted? Why do I even care when this movie is nothing more than a failed attempt to ride the coat tails of 2004's Dawn of the Dead remake?

And we all know that if you want to improve an already great movie, you simply replace the key antagonists with crazed rat people. Casablanca didn't need Nazis... it needed more rats, damn it.

I like that the writer tried to get us involved with the individual characters before they all met and interacted to fend of the rat people... but it sure would have been nice if those characters did or said anything that I could- pardon the expression- give a rat's ass about.

5 Georges go to Karl for providing the actual entertainment during this viewing. When a character explained "They're Rat People! Fucking Rat People!" Karl replied "We need some Fucking Cat People! Fucking Cat People to chase out these Fucking Rat People!"

The Ghost of George was scurrying around nearby when this was said. George overheard Karl's comment, laughed his ghostly ass off, and left it for Mulberry St. to have as its rating.