Devil Dog: Hound of Hell (1978)

Lost: Devil Dog, Hound of Hell

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  Last seen on TV in 1978


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  Father victimized by Martine Beswicke in a satanic cult ritual


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  Sold into the slavery of a wandering pedophile


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  Shot by Richard Crenna


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  Immolates housemaids


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  Causes drowning


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  Sets random fires


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  Mesmerizes homeowners to attempt self-mutilation


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  Corrupts families


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  Breeds insanity


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  Is possessed by the devil


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  Answers to name of "Lucky"

The Lifetime Channel's Horror Spotlight Presents: El Orfanato

This movie is the English Patient of horror films. Like a dramatic love story, you need to have a soft spot somewhere in your heart to enjoy the full impact of this film. So I fucking hated it. F. Epic Fail.

Alright, alright... so this isn't really a beer chugging, pizza and wild times with your friends feel-good zombie romp. It's a high production ghost story that relies heavily on a realistic sense of creep. Whereas the classic "Dead" films (the Dawn of the Deads, the Evil Deads) hit you over the head with gory images and lead you into a hyper-realistic world of special effects makeup, El Orfanato's few gory images take place within the context of the "real world" conjured up for the viewer by an adept production crew. When a horrible image is portrayed it's affecting not simply in a "ewww yuck!" or "wow, that was cool" way; rather, it's like waking up in the middle of the night to find a half-rotted animal twitching under your bed. It works.

I conjure up the sublime, unholy-yet-hallowed names of the Dead Movies for good reason: El Orfanato approaches this level of horror greatness. Yet, in the macabre zoo of horror film beasties you'll find this Guillermo del Toro offering to be a half-rotted animal indeed: its genetic makeup of half horror and half heartstring-pulling drama make taxonomical placement difficult. Ultimately, the film doesn't fully satisfy the requirements of either camp to be the shining star of any particular pigeon-holed genre... and this is good. It stands on its own- each foot firmly placed across categorical boundary lines- to affect its audience while telling a solid story. Simply put, it's a really good movie.

We are not, however, The Dudes of Drama. There are no laughs and no boobs; furthermore, finding myself at the closing credits feeling like a middle-aged woman who just sat through the fucking Bridges of Madison County means that something is quite amiss in Dudeville. Arriving at a rating somewhere between 3 and 4, I hired a team of Spanish mediums to contact the spirit of our dearly departed namesake, George. I took his ghostly squeaks of approval in my ears to indicate that extra fractions of George points could be awarded not only for the excellent and effective Dolby Digital 5.1 sound mix but also for the brief cameo of one of George's relatives in the scene where the cache of dolls is discovered.

The Orphanage rates a solid four Georges, but don't plan a party around it- you may be too bummed out afterward to eat the cake.

The Virgin Witch (1972)

There isn't too much I can say about this film that Edgar Wright hasn't already said about it (at length) here but I'll try.

First of all, this movie scores a George right out of the gate: quite literally in the very first frame of actual movie footage. Blam! Bewbs! A second George for laughs may as well be awarded in the next few seconds, as the opening credits are so humorously spattered with campy shocked expressions on nude actresses that you can't help but laugh. I'll admit that I was hooked from the start, and set about trying to organize a Dudes viewing as soon as I could. (Thank you, The Jesus, ever so much for bringing this film's existence to my attention!)

Secondly, it is worth noting that Edgar admittedly has a fondness for inflicting "bad" films like this one on groups of friends. As someone who has scared away too many of Maude's friends in the past for doing just the same, I'm not about to cast any stones in that direction; rather, I'd go so far to say that this is the only way to properly enjoy this film. Without a group of friends to laugh at the many unintentionally funny moments, you may find yourself somewhat ashamed to be spending 88 minutes alone with Ann Michelle's naked seventies boobs on your television screen. Or not. Depends on who you are, I suppose.

Edgar pointed out that many of the actors appearing nude should not have. It was just such a scene (the ritual in the final reel) that drove Maude out of the viewing room. As a matter of fact, I think it was this dude who did the trick:



On the other hand, if I had grown up (as I suppose Edgar did) watching Vicki Michelle in countless BBC reruns of 'Allo 'Allo then I'd be scouring the internet trying to get my hands on this film. For an American teenage boy today it would be akin to discovering that Keri Russell appeared fully naked for gratuitous amounts of screen time in a seedy "Rosemary's Baby" ripoff.

Although it has been pointed out elsewhere that the sisters portrayed in the film are, in fact, real-life sisters (Ann and Vicki Michelle) I haven't seen any mention of a rather taboo moment between them. As we all know from films like Satan's Blood, you can't have an occult ritual without rubbing down a naked female with some form of lubricant. To prepare her sister for initiation into the coven, Ann Michelle makes sure that Vicki gets her left breast adequately lubed up for the occasion. Perhaps if I were a gal I'd think nothing of rubbing tanning lotion all over my sister's breasts while vacationing at some European beach... but as a guy I can't help but think this movie moment was pretty damn pervy. Chalk it up to the perverse powers of Skull Butter, I suppose.



The Virgin Witch does indeed entertain, but the only scares came from seeing creepy grandpa up there in the buff. Although seeing this in 1972 was probably much more shocking to the average Joe than it is for a Dude of Horror in 2009, in a modern context it is just plain silly. Aside from the laughs and the flesh-fest there simply wasn't anything else present to boost my rating above 2.5 Georges. Karl, who watched this film with me from a remote location in our beta testing of "Remoto", arrived at this same rating. Watch it with your friends, but follow it up with something truly frightening.

Cause everyone else is doing it...

Of course, I'm just going to link it. A take on the top 25 "modern" horror movies. Dudes (and Dudess), I think we can (and should) make our own list (and/or improve upon this one).

Ils (Them) (2006)

I wanted to like this one. I really did. But through the consistently horrible decisions of the 2 protagonists, I found myself glad that Darwinism took its course.

Picture a French couple living in a pretty neat old mansion in the countryside of Romania. She is a French teacher in a nearby school and he is, well who knows, he is just overly sensitive about his cooking (and no, that is not a euphemism). Well, their little Eden is intruded upon in the form of noises in the night that need investigating, turning the power to the house on and off, theft of their car, invasion of their home, and ultimately their deaths (assumedly, since they are dragged off camera).

Throughout the ordeal they are “chased”, (although the protagonists rarely see the antagonists) through their home and eventually their plot of land. During this time they make very few good choices, so often that I was actively yelling at the screen at how stupid they were. Now I will forgive bad choices that happen at crucial moments that keep the story going, and in horror movies they can be explained by the throes of panic, but for two thirds of the movie to be stockpiled with them smacks of laziness.

The couple flees their house into the wilds of their property, being chased by the creepy sounds of their attackers and find what I initially called ‘the forest’s basement’. It seemed to be a sewer system or system of tunnels out in the middle of their property, which has at least one grated vent next to a fairly well traveled road, so they weren’t completely isolated. Seems to me they could have hoofed it over land and made it to this road and been able to get a lift. No no, let’s go down into a likely dead end!

SPOILER

So when the reveal comes that their attackers are all grade school kids, it just aggravated me further. I was pissed at the kids, moreso at their parents, and at the school system. The final shot is of a school bus picking up the killer kids in the morning as they run to it, fresh from offing the couple. Their teachers don’t call home to see why Johnny is caked in blood and mud? Bah.

To sum up: Stupid protagonists who make it impossible to identify with, virtually no gore, no nudity, no laughs, nothing really new, and antagonists that are aggravating for all the wrong reasons.

The only reason this gets a rating above a zero is because it is short, coming in at a slender 77 minutes.

Voila un epece de putain merde! (pardon my poor French)

1 George

And then there's Maude

So, Ils what can one say about Them? One could say that it wasn't the best horror movie in recent memory. One could say that the protagonists deserved their grisly deaths for being monumentally stupid. Alternately one could say that Maude scaring the bejesus out of the Jesus was the best thing about it.

I will say that I envied the idiots their house, although I don't understand why any house would have a two-level attic - that's just weird.

I know this isn't much of a review, however, my compadres will redeem me (or vouchsafe me - whichever you prefer).

Final thoughts - at least I didn't have to watch Saw.

so, halloween...

We are really freaking sad. Special thanks to Maude for helping, but it doesn't excuse. Jesus tells me (cause, I would know) that MANY reviews of Ils will be coming. Also, Zombie Stripper which I'm afraid will be overlooked coming the NOW Awards of the years will be forthcoming.

Hold tight dear readers.

Love, of course,

Jesus

ONLY with good touches, and NO touches during the haunt

PS We drink too much wine. Woooo!!!! Elipsis!