And then there's Maude

So, Ils what can one say about Them? One could say that it wasn't the best horror movie in recent memory. One could say that the protagonists deserved their grisly deaths for being monumentally stupid. Alternately one could say that Maude scaring the bejesus out of the Jesus was the best thing about it.

I will say that I envied the idiots their house, although I don't understand why any house would have a two-level attic - that's just weird.

I know this isn't much of a review, however, my compadres will redeem me (or vouchsafe me - whichever you prefer).

Final thoughts - at least I didn't have to watch Saw.

so, halloween...

We are really freaking sad. Special thanks to Maude for helping, but it doesn't excuse. Jesus tells me (cause, I would know) that MANY reviews of Ils will be coming. Also, Zombie Stripper which I'm afraid will be overlooked coming the NOW Awards of the years will be forthcoming.

Hold tight dear readers.

Love, of course,

Jesus

ONLY with good touches, and NO touches during the haunt

PS We drink too much wine. Woooo!!!! Elipsis!

SLITHER

OK, it’s not obscure, it’s boobie-less, and there is no Big black prosthetic spunking beast todger. So what? This movie still kicked ass.

James Gunn, previously of Troma and partial screenplay writer for the Dawn of the Dead remake, created a little gem here. The movie is set in Hicktown USA, populated by hunters, line dancing rednecks, and cops who like to clock birds with their radar guns. A meteorite lands in the woods and out crawls a parasitic alien life form, which launches itself at Grant Grant, out in the woods looking for a good time with a barfly he picked up while stewing about his marriage. Grant then turns into a mutant squid, cleans out the town’s population of dogs, spawns a legion of mouth-seeking leeches, and turns almost the entire town into zombified hive mind minions. Nathon Fillion (a.k.a. Captain Tightpants), as sheriff Bill Pardy, basically reprises his Firefly role as a wisecracking, gun-toting cowboy (as God intended it) and saves the Earth but not before we get to see a whole lot of splatter. It pays homage to B-grade horror and is meant to be funny and gross. Reminds me of the good old days, when my brother and I used to rent bad horror by the truckload and laugh our asses off.

Sadly, Slither was a box office bomb. I guess people were more interested in Stay Alive, which of course was a movie about…what? Remind me? Oh yeah, a video game where you DIE FOR REALS. Whatever.

I think the real fault of Slither lies not in the film but in movieplex pricing. If I’m going to pay $10.50 for a movie, plus concession, plus baby-sitter, plus time spent sitting through 20 minutes of network television commercials before the coming attractions even start, then I want to be pretty sure that it’s going to be an awesome movie experience. In a world where Uwe Boll is making movies, people are a little leery of horror. If a horror film isn’t advertising itself as The Most Extreme Torture Mystery Thriller To Ever Rock Your World, it’s gonna be an uphill battle. Did I see Slither in the theater? No. Would I recommend it as a rental or a DVD purchase? Yes. By the GRS (George Rating system) it only gets 3 Georges...no boobs, no scares, but plenty of laughs, gore, and a fresh approach. I’m bumping it up to 4 Georges just because of the plethora of the latter three criteria. And Captain Tightpants.

Calvaire (The Ordeal) 2004

Calvaire is a refreshing survival horror flick from the horror capital of the world, BELGIUM. OK, so maybe Belgium is a country better known for its beer. And maybe refreshing applies more aptly to the beer, but even with its obvious influences and odes, this movie takes a less traveled path.

Speaking of less traveled paths, that is where the protagonist’s van breaks down in the middle of the woods in rural Belgium. Marc is a solo singer/performer taking his show to various hot spots of entertainment around the country, starting with what looks to be a retirement home, where he is hit on by the nursing staff and the residents. He finishes the gig and gets on the road to make it to some Christmas Gala. Van breaks down and he finds some rustic inn nearby and is taken in by its kindly wizened proprietor, Bartel. Over dinner we learn that Bartel used to be a comedian and his wife (who left him) was a singer, like Marc. Well, after Marc spends the night after Bartel offers to fix the van, things start to get weird. Bartel decides that Marc is his wife that has returned to him, so he knocks him out with a car battery and puts him in a dress and, um “styles” his hair.

The local villagers are no better mentally, as they see Marc as Bartel’s returned wife as well. At least the leader of the villagers, played by Philipe Nahon (the disturbing lead in “I Stand Alone”) sees Marc as Bartel’s ex-wife, who he apparently had a thing for when she was around. So in addition to Bartel’s twisted captivity, the locals come after him as well, which leads to a lovely romp through the countryside.

Calvaire is a first effort from director Fabrice Du Weiz and he avoids a lot of the cliché horror movie fallbacks. There are no stab cues in the music, the ending is very non-standard, and although I am a fan of excess gore, I don’t think this would have benefited this movie. It would have hurt the impact of the creepy and disturbing parts (like the dancing scene at the local watering hole, or Marc’s visit to the ‘petting’ farm). The downside of avoiding horror clichés is the lack of nudity, although he does manage to shoehorn in a teeny bit via a stack of Polaroids from the nursing staff to Marc, as part of his “payment”. Definitely worth a watch.

3 Georges

El Orfanato (The Orphanage) (2007)

Why is it that all ghost stories all occur in creepy old HUGE houses? Why is it (except for that one episode of Angel) that they never happen in apartments? Is it something in the fundamental nature of creepy huge houses. I mean I live in huge old house that's divided up into apartments, but no ghosts (considering we think it used to be a brothel back in the day, one would think there'd be a ghost or two of a whore wandering about, but no... the guy in the basement thought he heard a ghost once, but it turned out to be my cat). What was I talking about, oh yeah, creepy old houses & ghosts, so yeah, did you see The Others? If so, you may as well have seen El Orfanato. This is not to say I didn't like the movie, quite the opposite in fact, I very much enjoyed the flick. It relied upon the score to create that essential atmosphere of creepy. If I could have been fortunate enough to see it with surround sound, I'd probably be scared out of my wits - especially the psychic scene (I kept waiting for the psychic from Poltergeist to show up). It had a better story and was beautifully shot, however, once the old woman is identified, you know where the story is going. Albeit except for the twist at the end (spoiler - it's kind of an M. Night twist)

That said, I sincerely believe the little kid who played Simón could pull off Damien in a heartbeat.
Not to mention his little invisible friend who thinks he's the Scarecrow from Batmang - that kid gave me the willies.

All in all an enjoyable flick, very worthwhile. It was apropos that I happened to watch it during a thunderstorm, which made the atmosphere even better. If I had an ounce of foresight, I could have watched it via candlelight.

Oh yeah, sorry boys, no nudity.

Still,

4 Georges.

Sheitan (2006)

The French have taken a traditional horror story arc and added their own style and flavor, resulting in a pleasing vichyssoise called Sheitan.

A bunch of 20 somethings mix it up in the club/disco scene in the big city (they call them discos in Europe, yet they feature no disco music OR bellbottoms, what gives?) and meet a hottie who invites them all to her rustic country manse to continue the party and enjoy the Christmas Holiday. They all pile into a car and make the trek to BFF (like BFE, but in France) where they encounter Vincent Cassel along the road when they have to stop the car due to a goat roadblock. Vincent plays a creepy crusty bumpkin really well.

The kids make it to the expansive house where they get a partial tour that includes a room of doll parts, from the hottie’s father’s former doll making business we are told. Vincent is called the housekeeper/groundskeeper of this abode, but I think he owns the joint, and he has a wife that is kept tucked away (for good reason, it turns out) for most of the movie.
Over dinner Vincent relates a little story about incest, a deal with the devil, and a special ‘gift’. By the end of the movie we learn that the story is about Vincent and is the reason the kiddies were brought out to the farm. Violence and mayhem ensue, and the movie ends with a most disturbing Christmas Family Portrait.

This movie had a pretty good balance of everything that makes a great horror movie: a few laughs, nudity, clever camera shots, oddball characters, and mounting tension/unease culminating in disturbing violence. The soundtrack, particularly the music in and around the front half of the movie included some great techno/fusion/trance (whatever the hell the kids call it these days). There were a number of really clever camera shots throughout the movie, including a subtle shift in camera focus, moving ones eye from the 3-way happening in the foreground to Vincent Cassel leering into the room from outside the house whilst hanging from a ledge.

The movie is packed to the gills with hell/underworld/biblical temptation and punishment imagery and symbolism. Some is a bit heavy handed, but it’s great fun to shout them out when you see them. (Eve offering people apples, dude getting frightened by a snake and Vincent chastising him and taking care of the snake, Club Styxx, a very satanic looking goat, and there’s even a plague of locusts in someone’s bed!)

The fact that Sheitan is this director’s (Kim Chapiron) first feature-length movie makes it even better. I can’t wait to see what he does next.
So to all those responsible for this bit of celluloid, I say this: “Mercy Buckets, mes amis!”
4 Georges

Sheitan (2006)

So every year the Big American Picture Companies put out their annual quota of horror films (about one) targeted at the current generation of teenage moviegoers. Scream. I Know What You Did Last Summer. Etc, etc, ad nauseum. They're the perfect movie to go see with cute Susie Jones or hot Bobby Smith because Susie gets an excuse to scream and Bobby gets an excuse to put his arm around her. The movie can be as shitty as it wants to be because until the day when there aren't any teenagers and/or movie theaters there will always be a market for one-and-a-half hours in a dark room with excuses for teenage courtship.

But if you're like me, the question burning in your mind right now is: what are these movies like in France? (Ooo la la!)

Yeah... it wasn't exactly burning so hot in my mind, either. But I'm here to tell you that if "Sheitan" is any indication then perhaps the French cousins of our American teen horror films are a notch or two above the usual fare.

What you get:

• Some creepy scenes and at least one that's downright gross


• A hot female lead who gets delightfully naked


• Ample laughs

Which essentially translates to: scares, sex, and fun: the essential ingredients of any good horror film.

But Evil Dead II this is not.

The plot is another variation of "kids stumble into a house of evil" and in this case is of the big mansion variety (ala Satan's Blood). Nothing new there. The film also has its share of minor cliches and plot holes.

What makes it watchable is that all of the elements are presented with technical merit: there's some great editing (the sunset sequence), clear and colorful processing (emphasizing natural colors rather than using oppressive color filters), and good acting: Cassel is brilliantly creepy. I even liked the soundtrack.

The Tartan DVD release is presented in 5.1 DTS Surround along with the standard Dolby Digital 5.1 and 2.0 audio tracks, per their usual (very welcome) standard. It's nice to see Tartan bringing us a film from a non-Asian country! How many more times do we need to witness a horror scene end with a punctuated cut of a pale-faced kid in a long black wig?

Although the film's dialog is in French, English subtitles are available and are done rather well.

This sure isn't a classic but I'm guessing it will beat the hell out of Saw XIV.

4 Georges.