7 Films To Die For on DVD

No, that's not a typo, man. They only released seven of the eight films because they knew my shit was right: Abandoned was the best film of the bunch. After Dark gave it a limited US release on February 23rd. It pulled in a whopping $1.2M... but that's $1.2M more than the other films made after the 8 Films festival was over!

Looking back, it seems that I either didn't review the film or I simply glossed over it. Uh.... sorry, man! I'll make sure I post a full review WHENEVER LION'S GATE RELEASES THE FUCKING DVD!!!

In the mean time I have three other DVDs to look at: "Unrest", "Reincarnation", and "The Hamiltons". I've already viewed Unrest again with Maud and I think she kinda dug it. It really does have a silly, weak ending- but it excels in skeeving out. That's the real draw of this film: being gross. It's not particularly gory or terribly scary... its claim to horror is that it makes you squirm and say "eeewwwww". Perhaps now that Maud has seen the film, she'll feel compelled to provide us her take on it.

What about the DVDs that I didn't buy? Well the only one that has any hope of taking my hard-earned $15 is "Gravedancers" simply so that I can play the Cheerwine drinking game (whenever you see the Cheerwine logo in the move- drink!) Can't really play that game with many movies, can you? (Please email me if you know of any more!)

"Wicked Litttle Things"? Please. We all know this movie should have been 15 minutes long and no more. Hell... with a little camp added it could have been a trailer shown during Grindhouse. Pass.

"Dark Ride"? You have GOT to be kidding me, man. There's no way I'd pay money to watch that ugly-ass redhead kid all grown up and wobbling around in a New Jersey fun house.

"Penny Dreadful"? I love you, Michael Berryman... and Mimi Rogers, your tits are great- but FUCK YOU Richard Brandes. Your film sucked sucked SUCKED and I'm boycotting all of your past and (snowball's chance in hell) future shitfests based solely on having to sit though this bullshit.

The Event

Ahh, Grindhouse, you can’t really sum it up with one word, although, a good start would be go see it. Yeah, it’s not one word, but if you’re a fan of the b-movie, then what the hell are you still sitting there for, get off your ass and buy a ticket (It’ll make the Weinstein’s happy, and hopefully prevent them from separating the movies…).

This isn’t so much a review as it is my feelings on the Event. Jeff, Donny or Carl can provide a review.

Spoilers abound, by the by:

Planet Terror:



- Most cringe worthy moment / moment I could identify with – Marley breaking her wrist by way of her insensible shoes (those who know the identity of the Jesus will know what I’m talking about);
- Should a zombie decide to gnaw on my leg; a machine gun replacement would be awesome (that is, if Patrick Duffy and his celery leg were not available);
- Freddy Rodriguez – wow. You’ve come a long way baby. (Was his name a nod to “El Ray” from Dusk till Dawn?)
- Boils, ew;
- Quentin’s drippy dick, eww, ewww, ewwww;
- The ending was kind of sappy.

Trailers:
- Yeah, I want every one of those “movies” to be made.

Death Proof:



- I was a bit concerned about the beginning, it did start a bit slow;
- Rose should never go blonde again;
- What was up with Butterfly’s nose;
- I loved the revisit of the crash (seriously, the flash back to the car running up her head!);
- Son #1 – I really dug all the nods to previous movies, see above;
- Chase scene – I wonder how many people left the movie and immediately got speeding tickets (or ran blinking red lights…) That said, I wonder how may people put Vanishing Point in their Netflix queues?

Could it be that Grindhouse was Robert & Quentin’s version of the Chick Flick?

Holy Shit

This is the scariest fucking thing I've ever seen. I have seen the face of evil.

Ahh, 70's Horror Movies

Rabid (1977) - David Cronenberg and producer - Ivan Reitman. You read that correctly, Ivan Reitman. Of course, you're not watching the movie for either Mr. Cronenberg or Mr. Ghostbuster's himself, you're watching for Miss Marilyn Chambers and her aversion to bras.

I must confess, I really don’t understand exactly how Rose became, ah, infected with the armpit bloodsucking penis (excellent band name), but I assume it’s because of the skin graft the plastic surgeon took from her leg and sent off for the “radical treatment process,” but I suppose it’s doomed to be one of those mysteries that you never understand (kind of like Republicans). Anyway, Rose’s “dick” has some serious problems, a lust for blood, and jizz that turns you rabid. Granted the way she gets off isn’t exactly pleasing anyone (really, would it kill her to bring flowers or call once in a while?), but it sates her hunger, and turns scores of people into rabid zombies – a good time for everyone.

Any film where they’re using regular old garbage trucks (with snipers atop them!) to haul away the dead is a winner as far as I’m concerned. Also any film that has a dude, in the middle of a epidemic (who, by the way, is wearing cream colored leather pants) breaks down and cries when his girlfriend (granted she is Typhoid Mary) wants to engage in a little phone sex (yeah, she’s gonna die in a minute, but still) is pretty damn funny.

HoPoTo requisites include numerous scenes of Marilyn’s tits, but that’s about all. I thought for a minute we were going to get a little girl on girl action (and really, why not? It’s a horror movie, there was a hot tub, and Marilyn Chambers, why the hell wasn’t there?), but sadly, it was not to be. For an “R” rated movie it was pretty damn tame. I do want to track down the movies that were playing at the p0rn theater cause they seemed fun.

Strip Nude for Your Killer

Ah, finally a title truly befitting the Dudes of Horror: Strip Nude for Your Killer. A classy little giallo (Italian slasher/horror/whodunit; look it up, kids) from ’75. I rented this from Netflix purely based on the title. How could I not? I mean, it’s all right there in the title. Killing and tit-tays, everything a Dude of Horror would look for when selecting a film to plop down in front of. (check out my sweet dangling participle)

It had a fair amount of everything that makes a giallo a giallo: lots of killing, lots of breast-ah-sez (and boosh, for that matter), and lots of not knowing who is killing everyone off until the end. Edwige Fenech is some nice eye candy. Overall a pretty decent little flick, given what it is and when it is from, but nothing truly memorable. No haunting/grisly/sexay or otherwise images that stay with the viewer, at least not THIS viewer. So, it is worth a watch if you like giallos and don’t have anything better to do.

Pudding Cups

No, it's not a movie. Okay... so there probably IS a movie with this title. But I'm talking about this guy's blog:

http://puddingcups.blogspot.com/

Check out his first couple of posts in the archives. I know more than a few writers here who will feel as if this guy is blogging thoughts straight from their own minds. And the pictures he posts are certainly nice to look at!

What's this have to do with horror? Aw, shut up. We all know you don't read the articles.

-Jeff, Dude of Horror

What the hell is wrong with Takashi Miike?

Seriously, was he tortured as a child? I never had a phobia about needles before - now I don't think I'll ever be able to donate blood again.

As disturbing as Audition, as weird as Three Extremes - Cut and thankful that I watched without surround sound (yeah, I know it was a lame segue, but still true).

Christopher comes to the f*cked up Island looking for the love of his life - Komomo the Whore. He meets instead: the chicken lady, the disfigured prostitute and the Madame who needs some serious dental work.

We meet all of the above plus the disfigured prostitute’s little sister, some random chick who wields the needles and the disfigured prostitute’s parents. A tale of pain, woe, incest, pedophilia and excruciating torture all in 63 fun filled minutes - yippe.

Don't have anything to eat or plan to do any embroidering for a good while after.

Sorry it's not more detailed, but I feel the need for a good, long hot shower and some cartoons.