Final Destination 3 (2006)

Ready for a quick summation of Final Destination 3? Here goes: Death is the vengeful spirit of Rube Goldberg….. again. There. Done. If you have seen one movie from this series, you have seen them all. It is the same formula, just applied to a slightly different setting. Just a new round of fresh faced teens getting offed in the most complicated and splatteriffic ways by the faceless, formless spectre of Death who apparently has an ordered list of who dies next and is determined to keep on schedule. This movie is even self-aware of the series, with one character researching the events of the first movie. The only thing that makes this stand out, just slightly, from the other two is the presence of several pairs of young pert breasts in a tanning booth scene.

The killings are done with a decent amount of gore, although the trend nowadays with all these slick horror teen movies is to rely heavily upon CGI. In my opinion, too heavily. CGI is a nice accentuator, a nice way to enhance a prosthetic gore/horror/death effect. Add a few extra splatters or ribbons of viscera to the final effect. It shouldn’t comprise the whole shot. I guess I am just a sucker for the old school. Anyhoo, This movie was formulaic for the series, really gave us nothing new, just went through the paces to reach the logical, and Final, conclusion.

Evil Dead II

"Workshed!"

The importance of this film is very hard to overstate. When I first watched it in the theater with my cousin at the tender age of 13 I never expected that two decades later it would have cured world hunger and the common cold. Alright, so maybe it only managed to scare a pair of teenage girls out of my theater within the first five minutes- but that's pretty damn important when you're 13 and hormones are kicking in with all the rage of a Candarian Demon. Come back here, girls!

In actuality, my libido was the LAST thing I was thinking about when this film was running. At 13, I was admittedly scared shitless at what might leap off the screen at me. This film was the big, bad Rated R. People died in those films if they weren't careful. In retrospect, I think the only thing that kept me from running in the footsteps of the two girls who wigged out during the decapitation scene was the fact that Evil Dead II made me laugh as often as it made me jump in fear.



If nothing else, Sam Raimi taught the world that horror and intentional humor go together like peanut butter and jelly. Sure, you can laugh at all of the unintentional humor in a film like The Screaming Skull but it takes a craftsman to come up with a hysterical middle finger joke after watching a gratuitous scene of self-induced mutilation.

I take great pride in the fact that I championed this film among my friends in college, well before there were a hundred versions of it on DVD (or even DVDs!) and when finding a video store with a copy for rent was difficult because fans were simply stealing them since it was out of print for so long. To this day, I'll stop whatever is going on among the guests in my house to make them watch this film if they admit to never having seen it. (Remember that before you come over!)

I could go on and on about the innovative film techniques and the personal trials of the film crew and the death-defying performance of Bruce Campbell, but you can read about that in Bruce's book. Chances are you've seen this film scores of times are are simply reading this because you want to give me high-fives in your mind. You know this film rocks and you know I'm justified in saying that it is the best horror film ever made during anyone's lifetime. FUCK YEAH, MAN! And if you haven't already seen it then where the hell have you been? There have been multiple video games and even a musical made based on this film. Hell, I'm surprised that General Mills hasn't licensed an Evil Dead breakfast cereal. (How much ass would that kick, huh?)

Now if you know anything about me, you know that I tend to mention female breasts a little too much when I review movies. You'd probably (rightfully) expect that any horror movie with a shameful dearth of (non-puppet, non-rotting) breasts would receive only a three of four rating on the ol' Georgian Scale. That, dear readers, is why this film is so important. A parade of naked Suicide Girls could be marching down my street and I wouldn't even get up to watch if Evil Dead II was playing on my TV. It's that damn good.

-2 points for lack of boobs (and making me look at rotting ones), +2 points for the scares, +1 for the "ewww" factor, +2 for breaking the mold with new concepts in film technique, and +2 for the laughs earns Evil Dead II a FULL GEORGE in my book, man.

The Georgian Scale

When the first convention of the Dudes of Horror assembled in Colorado Springs, CO in November of 2006, the world shook in horror. But more importantly, Bunny Horror's Boobs:

were responsible for many beating hearts. Fortunately for you, the Dudes of Horror survived the experience and lived to bring you this kick-ass blog. One brave little mouse, on the other hand, did not:



That's poor George. The Dudes of Horror met him on November 19th when he snuck into Walter and Bunny's home. During a frantic chase around the house, George peered upwards with his beady little eyes and beheld the majesty of Bunny Horror's Boobs playfully jiggling as she ran- crouched over- to catch him. He suffered a massive mousy coronary and died right on the spot. Walter quoted the Looney Tunes ("I will love him and hug him and pet him and squeeze him – and I will call him 'George'.") Donny and myself laughed hysterically. Bunny sank into a deep state of guilt-induced depression after placing the lifeless body of George in his burial box (pictured above.) We later assisted Bunny with her recovery by taking the photos of her that you've been gawking at instead of paying attention to our reviews.

Little George didn't live past that fateful day and could no longer bring us the wisdom that his bewhiskered mouse chops would often utter (i.e. "SQUEAK!") but he has lived on in spirit though the Georgian Scale. No, it's not the name of a film about George's musical contributions or about climbing the first president. The "Georgian Scale" is our name for the Official Dudes of Horror Rating System. Films that would otherwise rate "5 Stars" according to lesser critics' scales will be given the "Full George" here.

Now you're probably wondering "where was this 'official' rating system half a year ago?" Well the answer- man- was that we had it but... uhhh... we were just, like, ummm.... too busy then to make these cool icons:



Ahh, George. In all of his splendor. What about films that rate less, you ask? Well for those we memorialize George in true horror fashion:



So you get the point. Of note is the 1/5 rating which also has a special name:

I believe it was Donny who decided that if we were only going to give one severed George part to bad films, it should be the ass.

Oh, and if there is a film that is so retardedly bad that it doesn't even warrant a severed mouse ass, we give it the droppings:


So there you have it. The Georgian Scale. Remember that it is up to the individual reviewer to determine how their review translates into Georges... so don't expect every Dude to act the same. If they did, we'd only need Donny. And that'd be a bleak world, indeed. (Shut the fuck up, Donny!)

(NOTE: There are unsubstantiated rumors that the death of George was actually caused by a delayed reaction to an advance screening of the Richard Brandes film "Penny Dreadful", but we're sticking with what we know...)

7 Films To Die For on DVD

No, that's not a typo, man. They only released seven of the eight films because they knew my shit was right: Abandoned was the best film of the bunch. After Dark gave it a limited US release on February 23rd. It pulled in a whopping $1.2M... but that's $1.2M more than the other films made after the 8 Films festival was over!

Looking back, it seems that I either didn't review the film or I simply glossed over it. Uh.... sorry, man! I'll make sure I post a full review WHENEVER LION'S GATE RELEASES THE FUCKING DVD!!!

In the mean time I have three other DVDs to look at: "Unrest", "Reincarnation", and "The Hamiltons". I've already viewed Unrest again with Maud and I think she kinda dug it. It really does have a silly, weak ending- but it excels in skeeving out. That's the real draw of this film: being gross. It's not particularly gory or terribly scary... its claim to horror is that it makes you squirm and say "eeewwwww". Perhaps now that Maud has seen the film, she'll feel compelled to provide us her take on it.

What about the DVDs that I didn't buy? Well the only one that has any hope of taking my hard-earned $15 is "Gravedancers" simply so that I can play the Cheerwine drinking game (whenever you see the Cheerwine logo in the move- drink!) Can't really play that game with many movies, can you? (Please email me if you know of any more!)

"Wicked Litttle Things"? Please. We all know this movie should have been 15 minutes long and no more. Hell... with a little camp added it could have been a trailer shown during Grindhouse. Pass.

"Dark Ride"? You have GOT to be kidding me, man. There's no way I'd pay money to watch that ugly-ass redhead kid all grown up and wobbling around in a New Jersey fun house.

"Penny Dreadful"? I love you, Michael Berryman... and Mimi Rogers, your tits are great- but FUCK YOU Richard Brandes. Your film sucked sucked SUCKED and I'm boycotting all of your past and (snowball's chance in hell) future shitfests based solely on having to sit though this bullshit.

The Event

Ahh, Grindhouse, you can’t really sum it up with one word, although, a good start would be go see it. Yeah, it’s not one word, but if you’re a fan of the b-movie, then what the hell are you still sitting there for, get off your ass and buy a ticket (It’ll make the Weinstein’s happy, and hopefully prevent them from separating the movies…).

This isn’t so much a review as it is my feelings on the Event. Jeff, Donny or Carl can provide a review.

Spoilers abound, by the by:

Planet Terror:



- Most cringe worthy moment / moment I could identify with – Marley breaking her wrist by way of her insensible shoes (those who know the identity of the Jesus will know what I’m talking about);
- Should a zombie decide to gnaw on my leg; a machine gun replacement would be awesome (that is, if Patrick Duffy and his celery leg were not available);
- Freddy Rodriguez – wow. You’ve come a long way baby. (Was his name a nod to “El Ray” from Dusk till Dawn?)
- Boils, ew;
- Quentin’s drippy dick, eww, ewww, ewwww;
- The ending was kind of sappy.

Trailers:
- Yeah, I want every one of those “movies” to be made.

Death Proof:



- I was a bit concerned about the beginning, it did start a bit slow;
- Rose should never go blonde again;
- What was up with Butterfly’s nose;
- I loved the revisit of the crash (seriously, the flash back to the car running up her head!);
- Son #1 – I really dug all the nods to previous movies, see above;
- Chase scene – I wonder how many people left the movie and immediately got speeding tickets (or ran blinking red lights…) That said, I wonder how may people put Vanishing Point in their Netflix queues?

Could it be that Grindhouse was Robert & Quentin’s version of the Chick Flick?

Holy Shit

This is the scariest fucking thing I've ever seen. I have seen the face of evil.

Ahh, 70's Horror Movies

Rabid (1977) - David Cronenberg and producer - Ivan Reitman. You read that correctly, Ivan Reitman. Of course, you're not watching the movie for either Mr. Cronenberg or Mr. Ghostbuster's himself, you're watching for Miss Marilyn Chambers and her aversion to bras.

I must confess, I really don’t understand exactly how Rose became, ah, infected with the armpit bloodsucking penis (excellent band name), but I assume it’s because of the skin graft the plastic surgeon took from her leg and sent off for the “radical treatment process,” but I suppose it’s doomed to be one of those mysteries that you never understand (kind of like Republicans). Anyway, Rose’s “dick” has some serious problems, a lust for blood, and jizz that turns you rabid. Granted the way she gets off isn’t exactly pleasing anyone (really, would it kill her to bring flowers or call once in a while?), but it sates her hunger, and turns scores of people into rabid zombies – a good time for everyone.

Any film where they’re using regular old garbage trucks (with snipers atop them!) to haul away the dead is a winner as far as I’m concerned. Also any film that has a dude, in the middle of a epidemic (who, by the way, is wearing cream colored leather pants) breaks down and cries when his girlfriend (granted she is Typhoid Mary) wants to engage in a little phone sex (yeah, she’s gonna die in a minute, but still) is pretty damn funny.

HoPoTo requisites include numerous scenes of Marilyn’s tits, but that’s about all. I thought for a minute we were going to get a little girl on girl action (and really, why not? It’s a horror movie, there was a hot tub, and Marilyn Chambers, why the hell wasn’t there?), but sadly, it was not to be. For an “R” rated movie it was pretty damn tame. I do want to track down the movies that were playing at the p0rn theater cause they seemed fun.