Twins of Evil

What timing! Karl has just posted his review of the second Karnstein Trilogy film, Lust for a Vampire, and here's my review of the final installment, Twins of Evil! It's almost like we planned this, man!

Until someone proves me wrong, this movie should be noted for offering the wimpiest portrayal of a vampire ever. Count Karnstein's character starts off on the right foot but just when you think he's about ready to summon up the forces of hell and make blood soup out of the local Quaker Oats Posse, he instead cowers behind a castle door in the best unintentionally comic horror pose I've seen to date.
As a vampire, Karnstein gets an F. Sesame Street's Count von Count is scarier.

Peter Cushing did a great job and stole the show during an unexpected decapitation scene. I didn't really appreciate seeing him cast in the same trilogy as a completely different character, though... and his costume was way too distracting.

Can you believe I haven't mentioned the Collinson Twins yet? You get one scene, containing several clips that will require you to become rather friendly with your DVD's pause button in order to fully appreciate them. It was a far cry from what I expected after the Vampire Lovers and what I have read about Lust for a Vampire. I can only hope that there's a more skintastic unedited version out there somewhere.

And if you think I wouldn't mind only seeing one identical twin get topless (they're both the same, right?) then you don't know me very well. Bad move, Hammer.

This film gets a .5 for all of the five Jeff categories except "Boos", which received a zero. It scored on laughs ("spews") only because of sufficient unintentional comedy (e.g. cushing in bad clothes, a burnt-at-the-stake scene around every corner, a laughable count with a mute bodyguard who plays charades, etc.) I let the decap scene carry the "Ewww" and the one scene of a gorgeous twin's twins carry the "boobs". Borrow or rent, but I wouldn't buy.

Lust for a Vampire (1971)

Stop! Hammer Time! This is the second movie in the Karnstein Trilogy. This one is the tale of a prophesied return of a creepy vampire family at their castle on the edge of town. The castle just happens to be right next to an all-girl finishing school. Some lauded author visiting the town hears about the prophesy, and more importantly gets an eyeful of the student bodies next to the castle and schmoozes his way into a teaching position at the school. Long prophesy short, the Karnsteins show up again and snack on the local students/teachers/etc. The author/teacher falls in lust with the daughter of the Karnsteins, who is attending the school. Eventually the townsfolk get their dander up and burn the castle.

This movie was full of the Hammer style: extreme close up of peoples eyes, melodramatic overacting, and tomato soup blood effects. There was enough nudity sprinkled throughout to keep me from falling asleep, but it was a little too talky. And the hinted at woman on woman element was in there as well, but limited. I expected a little more from a horror movie with a girls finishing school in it. Count Karnstein, who posed as an Austrian doctor was pretty inadvertently funny giving the answer “Heart Attack” in a low monotone whenever he performed an examination of any of the bite- marked victims to determine cause of death. Given who made this movie and when it was made, I spose this warrants 2 and a half Georges.

Nude for Satan (1974)

Whisky Tango Foxtrot. That is what you will be saying to yourself, or out loud as I did when I watched this movie. This weird little Italian film is packed to the gills with WTF moments. And during some of the slow dialoggy parts it tries to blow your mind with psychobabble and metaphysical nonsense.

It starts with a doctor driving around the Italian countryside at night looking for a particular residence and getting totally lost. He almost hits a pedestrian, or what he thinks is a pedestrian and skids off the road. Shortly after that a woman driving another car along the same stretch has a similar one car pileup. The doctor witnesses this, and seeing that she is unconscious, heads off to look for help, even though he is a doctor. He finds some weird castle, and takes a self guided tour of the place, which seems to be partially occupied by some Victorian S&M Nudist association. On his tour he meets a doppelganger of the female motorist. The doppelganger thinks he is someone else and they proceed to get it on, sorta.

Then the female motorist regains consciousness and wanders off and finds the freaky castle, where she meets some weird dude and then another dude who is the doppelganger of the doctor. They do not get it on. Eventually everyone becomes aware of their doubles and they re-pair off. Then their host, the weird dude who is not a doppelganger, has some nekkid ladies come out and dance and his creepy butler laughs maniacally a lot. I guess he is supposed to be Satan, or maybe just a distant weirdo cousin of Satan.

The ending is the only thing that makes the whole middle crazy/psychedelic/bad camera effect portion make sense, or at least excuses it. Of note: the worst spider prop/effect I have ever seen. Also of note: this film gets a Golden Treehorn, 100% of the female cast gets naked; Rita Calderoni even takes it off for both roles she plays.

Horror in the News

The Museum of the Moving Image in NYC is hosting the "IT'S ONLY A MOVIE: HORROR FILMS FROM THE 1970s AND TODAY" Festival. It looks pretty interesting, and we've already reviewed some of the movies they're showing, but some we haven't.

The Vampire Lovers

This is a personal favorite of mine. Not only are there some lovely scenes involving Ingrid Pitt and Madeline Smith but it also has that classic Hammer atmosphere and production quality. This is one of those films you welcome on a hung-over Sunday morning with an oversized cup of coffee. Far from being an edge-of-your-seat roller-coaster ride of gore and mayhem (it feels more like a serialized drama) it is nevertheless a cool flick that you can chill to. It puts the "class" in Classic Horror. Unfortunately it is currently out of print so you'll have to come over to my place to see it (and my copy is a DVD transfer I made from my original VHS cassette.) Either that or pay for a copy on the resale market (they're out there, of course.)

Technically, this film rates low using the Jeff method of film rating (although it gets 1 whole point for boobage.) It's not scary unless you're afraid of lesbians. It gets some unintentional laughs ("A big cat!") and from what I've read the eroticism in this film was something new for Hammer at the time. That gets us up to 2 points. I'm awarding it another point for being such a classy production with a cool little vampire mythos of its own. This is actually part one of what is called the "Karnstein Trilogy." Part Two ("Lust for a Vampire") can be found new for about $10. Part Three ("Twins of Evil") is a bit more pricey. If you can hang with Region 2 PAL, grab the $20.00 copy from Xploited Cinema. While you're there, check out the gazillion other cool titles they stock.

Oh, and another cool thing about this flick is that you can show it to your wife even if she's not a big horror fan. Luckily mine is and she dug it as much as I did. Perhaps Maude will post her take on it.

WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER HORROR FEST?

Hey! You know, it's great and all that "8 Films To Die For" is making a return this year. But what about the Masters of Horror? I say we're sorely neglecting the series, here on DOH! (Dude, don't you just love the initials? D'oh!)

Except for one review from The Jesus, I don't think any of us here have mentioned this great series. And, it is coming back for a third season this October. It'd be one thing if we were just attempting to review the classics, or standout movies. But I don't think we're that picky, do you?

Now. I know Jeff and I have seen Imprint, Cigarette Burns, Dreams in the Witch House, Jenifer, Sick Girl, and Pick Me Up. And The Jesus has at least seen Imprint. That's 6 potential reviews from me and Jeff, and leaves 20 films for us to see (and however many more for the rest of us). Let's get on it! I'd much rather watch and review these movies than turds like Unrest. You heard me! That movie was a turd! A total TUUUUURRRRDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!! You know what that makes the director? A turd merchant! HA!

Sorry, Jeff, for the lack of linkage or reviews in this post. I'm just stopping in to briefly complain and insult movies. A troll-by, if you will:)

The Fog (1980)

This movie sucked.

If I relied solely upon my own scale, this thing would get a -0.5. At the very best a zero. Here's a short list of what's wrong with this film:

• It's not scary. If you were between the ages of nine and ten and snuck a viewing of this on HBO- then maybe.


• Twelve minutes in and credits are still popping up on the screen.


• Needlessly long scenes try to draw us into the environment and characters, which really pays off when we realize those opening credits have literally inserted themselves into the heads of the characters such that when they try to reason all their minds can come up with is "Carpenter... Carpenter... Carpenter..."


• The most interesting aspect of the film (the curse) is never explained, and the carnage (if you can call it that) wrought by it is no where near memorable enough to justify the lame ass ending.


• Adrienne Barbeau and Jamie Lee Curtis in the same movie in the eighties and neither one takes their top off? Are you fucking kidding me? How about that busty mayor's assistant? She's a no-name actress. Surely she's taking it off. No!?!? How about some topless fog, John? Can I get that? Fuck!

Were Rob Bottin's special effects good? Of course they were. And the cinematography in general was just grand. I realized this when a succession of about 20 perfectly composed shots of Antonio Bay were thrown at me to drive that home. And the acting was passable. Fine. But I don't care how you slice and dice it. It sucked.

You can't tell me you watched this film and wanted to grab your friends so they could see it. You can't tell me it "got into your head" or that you spontaneously vomited sharks the next time fog rolled into your town. I really don't give a rat's ass what you say... no wait... I DO give a rat's ass. A mouse's anyhow. I'm giving John Carpenter's "The Fog" a big fat George's Ass.