One Eyed Monster (2008)

Karl did me a solid and provided a guided "fast forward" presentation of this film. The "Karl's Notes" version, as it were. So I haven't seen every second of footage, but I trust my fellow Dude that nothing crucial was omitted during his tour. Too long to be a comment (which is where I began posting this) but too reliant on a previous Dude's effort to stand on it's own, I present my "Fast Track Addendum" to One Eyed Monster.

I have to say it's a damn shame the decision was made to seek an R-rating for this flick. I agree with Karl that Troma could have handled this film better with respect to nudity and gore, but Troma has never approached this level of quality in any of their productions. The writing was well done and acted out a hell of a lot better than you typically find in films with premises this absurd. Even the score was good. Sure, it's chock full of Aliens parallels but in a movie centered around Ron Jeremy's killer cock on the loose these stolen scenes come off (ha ha) as more of a homage than a rip-off.

This film is a comedy at heart which mixes fact and fiction to construct a soapbox for real-life porn stars to wax poetic over their golden years from. I have to admit that I thought it was intriguing and it elicited more than a few laughs out loud. But so did Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind... doesn't mean ol' George wants anything to do with it here.

What this film needed was a lack of restraint. An injection of Troma's inhibition into this production could have created a non-rated masterpiece. This monster needed a some hot gory blood pumping into it's flaccid member. It needed full frontal nudity and scenes of graphic- not implied- penetration. A script with aged porn star characters bemoaning their faded glory status and yearning to recapture the thrill and sensationalism of their youth was well served by real-life ex-porn star actors in the very same predicament. Tragically, what made the One Eyed Monster limp was the failure of these actors to rise to the challenge of going balls-and-all in a horror movie context.

Flaccid Treehorn, indeed.

Desert of Blood (2008)

Soo.....meh
That pretty much sums up my overall impression of this dusty pile of mess.
A poorly written/acted/directed slowly paced vampire film that takes place in Mexico involving star crossed lovers, one of them being a vampire that was buried by the town priest years before.

It starts promisingly with some topless sunbathing, but quickly devolves into a plodding amateurish mess. And not a fun mess, not unintentionally hilarious, and it had almost zero 'hidden gem' quotable lines. And you are going to make a crappy horror movie, at least show us some skin. And it does at first, but then it teases throughout the rest of the film, showing us plenty of attractive women yet missing every opportunity to show us more of them.

1 George and a Blue Treehorn (for all the wasted flesh potential)

Desert of Blood (2008)

There's a reason why you see a great pair of teeth... err... teats in the opening minutes of this film: once you're done gawking at Annika Svedman's pear-like plushies, there is absolutely nothing left to sit through this film for. Sadly, that includes Jackie Freed's topless scene where it is painfully obvious that her buxom bosoms were delivered as naturally as the strained acting of her cast mates. An apt title for a film that leaves your palette dry and you loins yearning for even a fleeting glimpse of Tori White's Tecate Treasures. The latter lack of bare breastage earns "Desert of Blood" a Blue Treehorn in my book. Don't waste your time.

Drunken Weekend Review Challenge

This weekend, Karl and I will be working together to both view and review some films for the ol' site here. We may even get around to 'shopping up some images of our new Treehorn awards.

I have issued the challenge to both of us to quickly review the films right from the couch as the credits roll. We may sacrifice some quality for quantity here, but hell... the site's been pretty slow recently.

Oh and we're drinking, too. Did I really need to clarify that? So don't expect expertly crafted metaphors or AFI quality critiques. The next few days will probably see the site populated with Mr. Skin-esque assessments. C'est la vie.

One Eyed Monster (2008)

From the Netflix synopsis:
“Stranded by a storm, the cast and crew of a porn flick fall prey to a vicious killer when Ron's (Jeremy) dismembered member is possessed by a bloodthirsty alien. Now they'll have to destroy the slithering monster before it spreads its deadly seed across the world.”

Now that sounds like a perfect Dudes of Horror movie, and the title suggests nothing less than 5 George potential. But sadly, as with most things which seem to be too good to be true, this movie disappoints on almost every level.

It starts with the typical horror movie setup, a bunch of people (porn movie crew) heading to a remote area (mountaintop lodge) that becomes even more isolated (snow storm, no cell phone reception), and introduction of a threat (Ron Jeremy’s detatched alien-possessed hog).

It progresses in typical fashion, the space wang killing each person as they become separated from the rest of the crew (The separate member killing each member separately?), and finishes in a final confrontation (death by Kegels).

So we have an interesting story, standard setup, but here is where the movie loses its footing. There is almost no blood in this movie. 8 people die by an E.T. dongmonster and there is nary a significant splatter to be found, of any bodily fluid for that matter. (Well OK, there is one dribble on a woman’s shoulder just before it attacks her from the rafters.)

I guess they either blew all their budget (shot their wad?) on their cast (all virtual unknowns, with the exceptions of porn icons Ron Jeremy, Veronica Hart, and character actor Charles Napier) or they just didn’t know any good effects people. There are a few effects (a few people get choked out by Ron’s shillelagh), but they are very few and far between. Charles Napier does have a pretty good monologue in the movie about his time in ‘Nam and a previous scrape with a killer schlong, so money well spent on him at least.

The other blatantly missing factor is flesh. In a horror movie which takes place at a remote porn set, all women in the movie should be naked multiple times. That is just a motherfuckin’ fact. OEM has one actress get nekkid. Once. By herself. Briefly.

This movie struck me as something that should have been made by Troma. This sort movie is very much in their purview (perv-view?). They could have supplied what this movie needed in buckets: gooey, gross, bloody, naked, and funny. Without that it stands as merely another example of wasted potential.

1 George and a Flaccid Treehorn

Question for the Dudes (and Dudess)

Should the Jesus request that her mother send her copy of Deathbed for an August gathering? (I believe there was some talk of Jeff visiting in early August, but the Jesus will be sadly unable to attend.) A Karl's birthday / HoPoTo gathering could be fun.

I promise to work on my Captivity review, but I need to make a phone call first.

These Vampires Don’t Sparkle.

Let the Right One In.

Here's what Netflix has to say about it: "Twelve-year-old Oskar, the constant target of bullies, spends him time plotting revenge and collecting news items about the grisly murders plaguing his town. Things change for Oskar when he meets new girl, Eli, a misfit vampire who steals his heart. As a serial killer continues to prey on teen boys in the village outside Stockholm, Sweden, Eli helps Oskar find the courage to stand up to his tormentors."

My favorite line of the Netflix review "a misfit vampire steals his heart." Really, Netflix, that's what you're going with? Are you trying to curry the favor of the 'tween crowd searching for a new Bella & Edward. Ugh. It's Monday, and I really don't have the energy to rustle up the righteous indignation the Netflix review needs.

Let the Right One In is unlike any vampire movie I've seen. In fact, I learned a few new "facts" about vampires. I also think it's mislabeled as a horror movie. It's a beautifully shot, sweet and tender coming of age story, where one of the lead characters just happens to be a vampire.

Oskar hasn't had it easy, his parents are divorced, his dad is probably gay, Mom isn't around all that much. Added to this stew is the fact that some bastard kid has decided that Oskar is the perfect kid to kick around (let's pause for a moment to question why Oskar - the Bully's minions cry the entire time they beat Oskar up? Why not get some different minions and beat your old ones?). Furthermore Oskar gets some new neighbors and some freaky shit starts to go down around town.

Oskar's new neighbor Eli hangs around in the snow without a coat, smells funny sometimes and doesn't go to school even though she's the same(ish) age as he is. Eli implores Oskar to stand up to his bully and he makes something of an effort. Emboldened, Oskar & Eli play in the school basement, Oskar decides he wants Eli to be his blood-sister, slices his hand open and his new friend freaks out and starts licking the blood puddle on the floor. Oskar begins to question his new friendship, especially her "tastes."

Eli's keeper, having gone all Two-Face is no longer in the picture and she now has the place to herself (roommates can be such a bother). Oskar & Eli hang out in her apartment, she shows him her treasures and he questions her taste for blood. Once he comes to terms with the fact his new friend is a vampire, he wants to protect her from all who wish her dead.

The final five minutes of the movie elicited an audible "awww" from The Jesus.

I'm curious to hear what Karl has to say about the movie (Karl, the Jesus and another aficionado each received a copy from Netflix within a few days of each other) upon his return from the hinterland.

I give it 3.5 George's - though it doesn't have really any "George" worthy qualifications, the story, though it worth it.