The Virgin Witch (1972)

There isn't too much I can say about this film that Edgar Wright hasn't already said about it (at length) here but I'll try.

First of all, this movie scores a George right out of the gate: quite literally in the very first frame of actual movie footage. Blam! Bewbs! A second George for laughs may as well be awarded in the next few seconds, as the opening credits are so humorously spattered with campy shocked expressions on nude actresses that you can't help but laugh. I'll admit that I was hooked from the start, and set about trying to organize a Dudes viewing as soon as I could. (Thank you, The Jesus, ever so much for bringing this film's existence to my attention!)

Secondly, it is worth noting that Edgar admittedly has a fondness for inflicting "bad" films like this one on groups of friends. As someone who has scared away too many of Maude's friends in the past for doing just the same, I'm not about to cast any stones in that direction; rather, I'd go so far to say that this is the only way to properly enjoy this film. Without a group of friends to laugh at the many unintentionally funny moments, you may find yourself somewhat ashamed to be spending 88 minutes alone with Ann Michelle's naked seventies boobs on your television screen. Or not. Depends on who you are, I suppose.

Edgar pointed out that many of the actors appearing nude should not have. It was just such a scene (the ritual in the final reel) that drove Maude out of the viewing room. As a matter of fact, I think it was this dude who did the trick:



On the other hand, if I had grown up (as I suppose Edgar did) watching Vicki Michelle in countless BBC reruns of 'Allo 'Allo then I'd be scouring the internet trying to get my hands on this film. For an American teenage boy today it would be akin to discovering that Keri Russell appeared fully naked for gratuitous amounts of screen time in a seedy "Rosemary's Baby" ripoff.

Although it has been pointed out elsewhere that the sisters portrayed in the film are, in fact, real-life sisters (Ann and Vicki Michelle) I haven't seen any mention of a rather taboo moment between them. As we all know from films like Satan's Blood, you can't have an occult ritual without rubbing down a naked female with some form of lubricant. To prepare her sister for initiation into the coven, Ann Michelle makes sure that Vicki gets her left breast adequately lubed up for the occasion. Perhaps if I were a gal I'd think nothing of rubbing tanning lotion all over my sister's breasts while vacationing at some European beach... but as a guy I can't help but think this movie moment was pretty damn pervy. Chalk it up to the perverse powers of Skull Butter, I suppose.



The Virgin Witch does indeed entertain, but the only scares came from seeing creepy grandpa up there in the buff. Although seeing this in 1972 was probably much more shocking to the average Joe than it is for a Dude of Horror in 2009, in a modern context it is just plain silly. Aside from the laughs and the flesh-fest there simply wasn't anything else present to boost my rating above 2.5 Georges. Karl, who watched this film with me from a remote location in our beta testing of "Remoto", arrived at this same rating. Watch it with your friends, but follow it up with something truly frightening.

Cause everyone else is doing it...

Of course, I'm just going to link it. A take on the top 25 "modern" horror movies. Dudes (and Dudess), I think we can (and should) make our own list (and/or improve upon this one).

Ils (Them) (2006)

I wanted to like this one. I really did. But through the consistently horrible decisions of the 2 protagonists, I found myself glad that Darwinism took its course.

Picture a French couple living in a pretty neat old mansion in the countryside of Romania. She is a French teacher in a nearby school and he is, well who knows, he is just overly sensitive about his cooking (and no, that is not a euphemism). Well, their little Eden is intruded upon in the form of noises in the night that need investigating, turning the power to the house on and off, theft of their car, invasion of their home, and ultimately their deaths (assumedly, since they are dragged off camera).

Throughout the ordeal they are “chased”, (although the protagonists rarely see the antagonists) through their home and eventually their plot of land. During this time they make very few good choices, so often that I was actively yelling at the screen at how stupid they were. Now I will forgive bad choices that happen at crucial moments that keep the story going, and in horror movies they can be explained by the throes of panic, but for two thirds of the movie to be stockpiled with them smacks of laziness.

The couple flees their house into the wilds of their property, being chased by the creepy sounds of their attackers and find what I initially called ‘the forest’s basement’. It seemed to be a sewer system or system of tunnels out in the middle of their property, which has at least one grated vent next to a fairly well traveled road, so they weren’t completely isolated. Seems to me they could have hoofed it over land and made it to this road and been able to get a lift. No no, let’s go down into a likely dead end!

SPOILER

So when the reveal comes that their attackers are all grade school kids, it just aggravated me further. I was pissed at the kids, moreso at their parents, and at the school system. The final shot is of a school bus picking up the killer kids in the morning as they run to it, fresh from offing the couple. Their teachers don’t call home to see why Johnny is caked in blood and mud? Bah.

To sum up: Stupid protagonists who make it impossible to identify with, virtually no gore, no nudity, no laughs, nothing really new, and antagonists that are aggravating for all the wrong reasons.

The only reason this gets a rating above a zero is because it is short, coming in at a slender 77 minutes.

Voila un epece de putain merde! (pardon my poor French)

1 George

And then there's Maude

So, Ils what can one say about Them? One could say that it wasn't the best horror movie in recent memory. One could say that the protagonists deserved their grisly deaths for being monumentally stupid. Alternately one could say that Maude scaring the bejesus out of the Jesus was the best thing about it.

I will say that I envied the idiots their house, although I don't understand why any house would have a two-level attic - that's just weird.

I know this isn't much of a review, however, my compadres will redeem me (or vouchsafe me - whichever you prefer).

Final thoughts - at least I didn't have to watch Saw.

so, halloween...

We are really freaking sad. Special thanks to Maude for helping, but it doesn't excuse. Jesus tells me (cause, I would know) that MANY reviews of Ils will be coming. Also, Zombie Stripper which I'm afraid will be overlooked coming the NOW Awards of the years will be forthcoming.

Hold tight dear readers.

Love, of course,

Jesus

ONLY with good touches, and NO touches during the haunt

PS We drink too much wine. Woooo!!!! Elipsis!

SLITHER

OK, it’s not obscure, it’s boobie-less, and there is no Big black prosthetic spunking beast todger. So what? This movie still kicked ass.

James Gunn, previously of Troma and partial screenplay writer for the Dawn of the Dead remake, created a little gem here. The movie is set in Hicktown USA, populated by hunters, line dancing rednecks, and cops who like to clock birds with their radar guns. A meteorite lands in the woods and out crawls a parasitic alien life form, which launches itself at Grant Grant, out in the woods looking for a good time with a barfly he picked up while stewing about his marriage. Grant then turns into a mutant squid, cleans out the town’s population of dogs, spawns a legion of mouth-seeking leeches, and turns almost the entire town into zombified hive mind minions. Nathon Fillion (a.k.a. Captain Tightpants), as sheriff Bill Pardy, basically reprises his Firefly role as a wisecracking, gun-toting cowboy (as God intended it) and saves the Earth but not before we get to see a whole lot of splatter. It pays homage to B-grade horror and is meant to be funny and gross. Reminds me of the good old days, when my brother and I used to rent bad horror by the truckload and laugh our asses off.

Sadly, Slither was a box office bomb. I guess people were more interested in Stay Alive, which of course was a movie about…what? Remind me? Oh yeah, a video game where you DIE FOR REALS. Whatever.

I think the real fault of Slither lies not in the film but in movieplex pricing. If I’m going to pay $10.50 for a movie, plus concession, plus baby-sitter, plus time spent sitting through 20 minutes of network television commercials before the coming attractions even start, then I want to be pretty sure that it’s going to be an awesome movie experience. In a world where Uwe Boll is making movies, people are a little leery of horror. If a horror film isn’t advertising itself as The Most Extreme Torture Mystery Thriller To Ever Rock Your World, it’s gonna be an uphill battle. Did I see Slither in the theater? No. Would I recommend it as a rental or a DVD purchase? Yes. By the GRS (George Rating system) it only gets 3 Georges...no boobs, no scares, but plenty of laughs, gore, and a fresh approach. I’m bumping it up to 4 Georges just because of the plethora of the latter three criteria. And Captain Tightpants.

Calvaire (The Ordeal) 2004

Calvaire is a refreshing survival horror flick from the horror capital of the world, BELGIUM. OK, so maybe Belgium is a country better known for its beer. And maybe refreshing applies more aptly to the beer, but even with its obvious influences and odes, this movie takes a less traveled path.

Speaking of less traveled paths, that is where the protagonist’s van breaks down in the middle of the woods in rural Belgium. Marc is a solo singer/performer taking his show to various hot spots of entertainment around the country, starting with what looks to be a retirement home, where he is hit on by the nursing staff and the residents. He finishes the gig and gets on the road to make it to some Christmas Gala. Van breaks down and he finds some rustic inn nearby and is taken in by its kindly wizened proprietor, Bartel. Over dinner we learn that Bartel used to be a comedian and his wife (who left him) was a singer, like Marc. Well, after Marc spends the night after Bartel offers to fix the van, things start to get weird. Bartel decides that Marc is his wife that has returned to him, so he knocks him out with a car battery and puts him in a dress and, um “styles” his hair.

The local villagers are no better mentally, as they see Marc as Bartel’s returned wife as well. At least the leader of the villagers, played by Philipe Nahon (the disturbing lead in “I Stand Alone”) sees Marc as Bartel’s ex-wife, who he apparently had a thing for when she was around. So in addition to Bartel’s twisted captivity, the locals come after him as well, which leads to a lovely romp through the countryside.

Calvaire is a first effort from director Fabrice Du Weiz and he avoids a lot of the cliché horror movie fallbacks. There are no stab cues in the music, the ending is very non-standard, and although I am a fan of excess gore, I don’t think this would have benefited this movie. It would have hurt the impact of the creepy and disturbing parts (like the dancing scene at the local watering hole, or Marc’s visit to the ‘petting’ farm). The downside of avoiding horror clichés is the lack of nudity, although he does manage to shoehorn in a teeny bit via a stack of Polaroids from the nursing staff to Marc, as part of his “payment”. Definitely worth a watch.

3 Georges